The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to Al-Anon, I just found out about it yesterday and found a meeting. It was not what I expected, I kind of just hoped to slip into the back of the room and quietly listen.
The room was small and only about 12 or 15 people were there and everyone was sitting in a circle, I was overwhelmed with emotion and had to fight back the urge to cry.
It was strange because the topic had to do with the organization and how it worked, I think it was concept 2 or something like that.
I used to be a very outgoing person, and while every person in the room was super friendly, I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. I was nervous and embarrassed.
My purpose for going is to figure out how to forgive my husband, and get past the resentment that has been building since I married him nearly 3 years ago.
Strange as it sounds, I was even more resentful toward him when I came home because if it were not for his drinking, I would never have gone to the meeting. He also did not tell me that people donate money and I was so embarrassed when I had not brought any cash (he was in AA before so he knew how the meetings went) In addition, there was an AA meeting going on at the same location in a different room, which he did not attend. ( I understand it must be his choice ). And the final topper ... when I came home, he wanted to know if there were any guys there. I told him there was one old man and one man who came with his wife, and his question was "were they a good looking couple"?
I am even more disgusted with him than ever.
But, I met 4 really nice ladies at the end of the meeting, they gave me their phone numbers (I don't plan to call them, but the gesture of kindness made me feel very welcome) and I would enjoy going to another meeting with these ladies. So, there are 3 meetings a week where I live and I plan to go again tomorrow, I think it will get easier.
I still love my husband but I have lost the enthusiasm for our marriage, and unless I can figure out how to forgive him we are not going to make it. That makes me sad.
I'm very sorry, I was unable to figure out how to enlarge the font. Good thing I typed it otherwise I could not read it myself, it is too small for my eyes.
Hello and welcome , the emotional turmoil , it is the feeling of the common bond we as members feel , dont worry about the no money thing no one would have noticed and your husb probably never thought about it . I am glad u got phone numbers ,dont be afraid to use them on a bad day , when someone gives u a phone number it is because they are willing to listen to a newcommer . Keep going to the meetings , your very vulnerable right now but that will pass. I know it seems impossible now but one day u may be able to say u are grateful u married an alcholic , i didnt think i would ever get to that point but if i hadnt i would never have found this program and it has changes my life for the better and that of my family. keep the focus on yourself and your going to be just fine .
Aloha Carrie...Welcome to MIP and also congradulations on the courage to get to your first Al-Anon meeting. I don't know of anyone who wasn't vunerable and without a clue including having massive amounts of emotional turmoil when they first got to the rooms. I'm glad you're going back tomorrow for another peek. Listen with an open mind and get as much literature as you can. The program can and will give you a life beyond your expectations if you continue to go. I was told to do 90 meetings in 90 days and there were more than enough meetings per week where I got into the program that I could do that. I was free to make up my mind if the program was for me at the end of 90 days and I'm still attending regularly.
I also was resentful and angry at my alcoholic wife when I first got in for the same reasons that you have stated. I also relate to your husbands fear because I asked those same questions when she was in AA and she asked them of me when I went into Al-Anon...the fear is so toxic at first and then that is part of the disease.
Keep coming back to MIP for support...(((((hugs)))))
I find this message board "safer" feeling while I try to figure out what it is I am doing.
I need help figuring out how to respond to my husband who does not seem to be able to divorce himself from his feelings that he felt while he was drunk. He says that he is "feeling good" and I am the one who changes and becomes mean.
I truly believe he thinks back on the situation and continues to view it as he did while he was "feeling good" (by the way, that term annoys me because I think it is his way of turning being drunk into something positive).
So, I become the bad guy because he alters himself with alcohol and then it is me who is changing, so I am the broken one, that is what he tells me so he can justify his drinking and permit himself to keep doing it.
He sneaks and lies about his drinking, and denies he has a problem because he can quit any time he wants. He believes because he has slowed down that he does not have a problem.
His refusal to simply accept responsibility frustrates me. And I frustrate myself for all the drama I participate in, yet do not know how to walk away from.
How do you detach without ending the relationship?
I've been where you are with my alcoholic husband. In fact, I'm there now - in terms of finding a way to work through the resentment or just walk away. My husband has been sober for almost 9 months. However, a lot of that alcoholic thinking and ways of handling things still remain, and still causing problems in our relationship.
Your husband's disease will only get worse if he doesn't get help. However, there is nothing you can do to make him see that he needs help. That is totally up to him. And, I know it's frustrating. Like I said, I know from personal experience. But, we are powerless over it. Whether or not he admits he's an alcoholic or gets help is not in your hands. It took me a LONG time to figure that out.
This disease causes so much chaos and confusion. But, we have a choice in how we react to it, and how we deal with it. I'm still working on that too. I still let my husband's disease make me crazy sometimes. But, there is a way to have peace and serenity even in the midst of the chaos. That much I know for sure.
All you can do is concentrate on you. Keep coming back to this board. And, I would highly recommend continuing with face to face meetings. Maybe you can try a different one?
Welcome CarrieLynette! Just a few comments about your first meeting. Don't ever be embarrassed about not putting in money. It is NOT a big deal and probably no one even noticed. Second comment, even if your AH did not attend, he is asking questions. Even if this is annoying to you, at least he is noticing and that is a small step. The Alanon program can be very rewarding for YOU and YOUR lifestyle. It is a lot of work and a lot of rethinking and learning, but the end results are tremendous. It can change your life. I have been amazed at how it is changing my life in ALL areas, not just handling my AH's alcoholism. Everybody is there for the same reason and everybody wants to change and grow. Some meetings are better than others but I always seem to take away something from them. The resentments will get better for you. Remember, it is the disease talking, not your AH, and at the end of the day, the only person your resentments hurt, are you. So, I hope you jump into the program, it can change your life. So once again "welcome". It works if you work it....
I am new too, been going about a month total. Keep trying new groups, I found that some were much more to my liking than others. I have also felt like you, that if it weren't for my alcoholic boyfriend, that I would not have to go to Alanon. Now I feel grateful for knowing him, because if not for him I would not get to go to Alanon. The literature has saved me, many many times. I am learning about how to tell what I am feeling and then look that feeling up in the index and read about it and find a new perspective. I know it all seems a little strange at first and the only person you can change is you.... Keep coming back :)
Carrie, I can totally relate to your first experience with Al-Anon. I too, have very recently starting attending and felt many of the same feelings. I thought attending my first meeting was going to lift the world off of my shoulders, and that hasn't happened but I'm told the load will get easier to carry as the hours/days/weeks go on. My group encouraged me to give it 6 weeks so I told myself that's the least I can do.
At my first meeting I sat at the table and actually was able to share when it came my turn to do so. Last week at my 2nd meeting I passed because I had such a spaghetti mess of thoughts racing in my head that I didn't think I'd be able to sort it out enough for anyone to follow me. In last night's meeting, I had the same big mess of spaghetti in my head only this time when it came to my turn instead of passing- I opened my mouth and let it all come pouring out.
I would suggest you purchase the books they read from. I got mine online for a steal and carry them in my purse. I read the daily messages at my desk on a break and try to be quiet and just take it all in.
As for your husband, it's ok to say nothing, it's ok to NOT respond. Give yourself a pat on the back for taking a step in a direction that isn't about HIM but about YOU. And go back to the meeting next week. Maybe give it 6 weeks and see if your feelings have changed.
-I'm new to this board too. This is actually my first post, so we can be newbies together!! :)
I'm glad you are here. I know it took me a long long long time to "qualify". Now you feel a sense of belonging a whole new way of being is open for you.
When I first started going to meetings, I sat around quietly stewing in my own resentments. I didn't speak up, I didn't share, I didn't connect with people, I isolated, I resisted and oftentimes I would leave during the first break in the meeting. Did I mention my friend dragged me to meetings-kicking and whining the whole way. However, after a year of stewing and blaming my parents and the Abf for my having to be there, something strange happened. I got it! :) All of that information that I had been hearing and reading suddenly just made sense, and I felt truly at peace with myself. My fear and mistrust of others has slowly been melting away and I am learning to trust and connect with other people and am learning to have healthy relationships with co-workers and friends. Remember, we are all a link in the chain to someone elses road to recovery in Al-Anon. Yes-me! When I share in meetings, when I am welcoming, when I listen with compassion, etc. I become what others have been willing to be for me- Hope, Comfort, Courage!
Thanks for Sharing--NH Girl
-- Edited by nh girl on Thursday 26th of August 2010 01:20:21 AM
Your post sounds a lot like something I could have written. I am new to this too - I'll go to my 2nd meeting tonight. I have to deal with forgiving my husband too. It is so good that you realize that there's a problem now, only 3 years into your marriage. I don't really have any advice, but your post really stuck out to me. Hang in there.
and your husb probably never thought about it . I am glad u got phone numbers ,dont be afraid to use them on a bad day , when someone gives u a phone number it is because they are willing to listen to a newcommer .