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Hi all, I posted a few weeks ago that my 8 months sober AH moved out of our home when I was at work. He rented an apartment, and said that he needed to find some independence, get a sponsor, and start working the steps and his program. He said that his moving out had nothing to do with me. I had a very hard time not taking it personally. I did not see it coming at all. I was very hurt and really had a difficult time emotionally during that period. My life was HELL when my AH was active in his drinking, and, now that he's sober, things weren't much better.
Anyway, we kept in touch and kept going to counseling. I love my husband and wanted our relationship to work. he said he wanted the same. He moved back home this past weekend - or so I thought. His rent is paid at his apartment through September 14.
In addition to everything else, I have a 6 year old stepson that is quite a source of tension in our relationship - mainly because my husband allows my stepson to call the shots. There is no discipline, and, my husband does everything my stepson tells him to do and wants him to do. When my stepson is around, I have virtually no interaction with my AH because my stepson is very needy. It was all I could do to get my husband to stop sleeping with him when he was here.
Today was to be the first day my stepson was to be with us since my husband came back home. My AH has been talking about it, and seemed excited about us all spending time together. I was actually looking forward to it myself, because, I haven't seen him since my AH left.
My AH called me and said he decided to stay at the apartment with my stepson tonight instead of coming home. He said my stepson was being "whiny" and that it was more convenient to stay at the apartment. After more conversation, it came out that my husband's ex-wife also said they should have one more "daddy-son" sleepover alone.
Now, I already have issues with my AH's relationship with this ex-wife. They are a little too chummy for my taste. I don't think it's a physical attraction or anything like that. But, besides their son, they still have a connection that I'm not comfortable with. She still wields WAY too much influence over my AH.
Anyway, I am livid. He just moved back home. Now, he's telling me that he's going to stay at the apartment tonight because his son is being "whiny??" Not to mention the fact that his ex-wife wanted them to do that. My AH is now saying that he made a mistake. But, he's still not home with me, and doesn't have plans to sleep here tonight. I'm just fed up with him and his "mistakes." They just don't end. And, he's still lying to me. I don't what what I expect though, dealing with an alcoholic in early sobriety.
I'm just fed up with it all...but, can't seem to find the strength and courage to walk away.
sorry for all the confusion that the A is bringing into your life. Its all up to you. Nobody can dump on us if we dont allow them too. Its difficult when there is a child involved in the relationship, your husband and his X do have a connection and always will, a child.
For right now you said you dont have the strength and courage to walk away, but your gut is telling you thats what you should do. As women, we never seem to listen to that little voice do we. But until that day comes, you know the disease lies, it confuses, it baffles, and it hurts us, if we allow it.
Please continue the practice of Alanon and do the work. Concentrate on yourself and connect with your HP to ease your pain.
Wishing you courage and strength and wisdom. Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 25th of August 2010 12:56:23 AM
You've brought back so many memories for me, of that awful "EVERYTHING is more important to you than I am!" feeling. First it's alcohol, then when they're in recovery it seems like they sometimes assign a higher priority to everyone else but the partner.
Sometimes I managed to change my expectations, and sometimes I was even brave enough to speak up for my needs -- if I could do that in a non-demanding, non-accusatory way, we were usually able to negotiate a compromise.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I agree with ythannah - your post brought back a lot of memories for me too. Early sobriety is hard. I guess I expected that all the problems were caused by my AH's drinking, and that they would go away when the alcohol wasn't there anymore. I was surprised that this did not happen. For months, it was all my AH could do to just stay sober. To do this, he went to meetings every day and sometimes more than one meeting a day. He spent a lot of time in the gym. I found myself feeling resentful towards him a lot when he first got sober. I felt like I wanted his attention - the attention I didn't get when he was drinking. I wanted things to be normal and happy. I didn't feel like I was a priority.
I read the chapter in the Big Book To Wives (chapter 5, I think). If you haven't read this, it may help. It helped me to understand that new sobriety is uncharted territory, really - and that sometimes it is all the alcoholic can do to just not drink. I began to understand that my feelings about not having his attention were common, and I felt better knowing that I wasn't alone. In time, things do get easier.
It is a good time now to focus on your own recovery - to jump in, work the steps, and really watch the miracles start happening.
I do know boundaries are not an alcoholic's forte. I also know my boundaries need a lot of work to be responsible to myself. Have you got a copy of the book offered above, Getting them Sober. I think the author is very very good at painting a realistic picture of early sobriety.
I know what it is to live around people who are enmeshed with their ex, family and friends. I also know my sense of expectation was way way off with them. When I change my expectations my resentments change too. I still have them of course but they are not as toxic as they are when the expectations are not realistic.
