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If this is wrong place to post this please tell me and dont get mad just tell me and I wont post about this again ok.
I need avice how to react when talking to relative whos addicted to food. This is how our conversations go usually. Me: i am so worried about you, how is your health. Him: Oh no need to worry about me, I'm fine. I am doing XYZ which helps. The last time I spoke to him I did not start down the I am worried about you route. I didn't say it!
But without me saying it he started to tell me all these things hes doing to help himself. I was surprised because i thought he hated it when I said I am worried and he felt he hd to tell me all the things that hes doing. but this last time he was the one who started telling me about these things hes doing to get well. I did not ask. He was bringing it up, I didnt want to react and i didn't want talk about his attempts. I felt like he was looking for a reaction in me cause he kept doing it!
I think he wanted me to go oh thats good. I did not do what i usually do which is say thats good and act all grateful hes doing something. Idont think its good i think he has an addiction and those things are not helping.
My hubby said OErelative is bringing the topic up because he knows i worry. I think its more about him wanting some agreement from me that everything is OK.
What is the best way for me to react when he starts telling me about his things hes doing to get well? From my view its like an Alki telling me how hes having water inbetween drinks or is going to try only drinking beer, totally useless!
Also he is lying to me. He lied saying hes tried meetings when he hasn't. He lied saying he has gotten healthier when its gotten worse. I feel sick to the stomach that I have been so controlling that he feels he needs to tell me these things. I want to stop enabling and stop being controlling/worrying and help him.
Do I tell him that I dont want to know anymore? What do i say when he tells me this stuff? How is it best to act?
And I also end up saying mean things which come out of my mouth without thinking:(
-- Edited by Slugcat on Monday 23rd of August 2010 06:27:34 AM
Alanon tools are very helpful in dealing with any addictions and obsessions.
Knowing that I am powerless over People, Places and Thing enables me to respond to anyone in a constructive manner and not REACT to what they say. It is not easy and takes practice but it truly works.
Being concerned for someone's health is natural--trying to force them to take care of themselves "The way you think they should is very destructive and does not work" My family tried to get me to stop smoking for many, many years. I had not intention of stopping and would humor them with tails of when I would stop or my attempts I was doing nothing but getting them to stop briniging up the issue. They finally left the issue alone and I stopped over a year ago on my own.
Focus on your own health, Call yur relative and talk about yourself and your life. if relative brings up the food issue just simply "Mind YOur Own Business: and say that is good glad you are trying and then CHANGE the SUBJECT.
All the talking in the world will nt change this. Let go and Let God. Turn the person over to HP and then take care of yourself Your health and well being is your concern.
Live a Day at a Time, Pray, Do not Project, Focus on YOURSELF, Break the isolation attend meetings and know that you are powerless.
Thank you i went to alanon meeting today and a coda one yesterday. It was very helpful. today the topic was detachment and it was really helpful.
I will try to not post so much also, sorry for posting so much.
I will do that, say thats good and change the subject.
I feel bad prying and pushing and stuff. Its not nice what ive been doing to him. I have hard time trusting HP and I hate what is happening but I have to focus on wht I can change, which is me and me alone.
Keep saying teh serenity prayer. cant change him, what hes doing, cant change the situation no amount of pleading, scheming, trying, being nice, being upset, being bossy and controlling is going to change anything.
can change me. can change my own life, can change what i focus on. can change how i react and act, can change how i do my program and improve my action, can try change my actions.
i feel really sad i dont want to see him get sick :(
i have to let go. I wish i trusted in a HP. I really struggle with that.
sorry again for posting so much.
-- Edited by Slugcat on Monday 23rd of August 2010 09:48:49 AM
posting so much? honesy u post and work out your feelings, i dont think 23 posts is that much - Ive got over 1,000 posts here lol. We are here for you and so is the chat room, really helps to chat live to others, in real time.
None of us want to see our loved one's sick or in pain but we either accept it and work on us or we focus on what makes us crazy and what we are powerless over and stay extra insane - or get that way eventaully. Self sacrifice doesnt prove anything, except that ur willing to give up your life needlessly.
I hope u keep coming back and working it, you're worth it and more!
Early in my recovery, I liked phrases like: I will consider that. (the drop it and let go, let god) You might be right. (and detach from their opinion, atttitude) I am sorry you feel that way. (this one I loved bc I was able to not own it for them and give it back to them while acknowledging their feelings)
The other notion that was new to me, was I could simply say "NO" (as a complete sentence, without JADE- no justifying, arguing, defending or explaining) You are allowed to a privacy and personal thoughts that are yours alone - ya, that was news to me too early on. You have choices, this is your life - what are you going to do?
-- Edited by kitty on Monday 23rd of August 2010 10:12:34 AM
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I can totally relate to an eating disorder as I have had one most of my life. Only I am anorexic rather than an over eater but it really doesn't matter because food issues are really all the same. People would feel free to comment on my weight all the time. Just as an fyi it is just as painful for a skinny person to be commented on as it is an overweight person but people just don't see it that way. Any time someone would comment on my weight or how little i ate it was like a dare for me to eat less ( just an excuse ). There were only 2 things that helped me and got me out of denial and into recovery. 1. My husband never spoke of my weight ot eating issues, if we would sit down for a meal and I would eat nothing or little at the end of the meal he would just clear the plates off the table as if all was perfectly normal. That somehow gave me permission to eat ( i don't know how i rationalized that to be truthful except to say he was the only one who didn't judge me) 2. After our daughter was born I was so exstatic ( spelling) to be a mother and so in love with my child I snapped myself right out of denial and realized i was slowly killing myself and no way I was going to leave my daughter motherless. I immediatly went into intensive therapy for 3 yrs. And got my eating under control. SO I guess my experience would be not to even approach the subject. If he brings up the subject I would just listen and react very detached even if you know he is lying to you. You can just say "those sound like healthy things" rather than something like " thats good you are doing healthy things for yourself" He knows he is lying. And just like an A he has to hit his own bottom and no one knows what that is but him. Just like an A there was nothing but nothing anyone could say to do to convince me to get help until i was ready. Blessings
hi thanks for sharing. thanks I have ordered OA literature with the purpose of sending it to him but i think now that is bad isnt it. I had it is my head that he must have the wrong ideas about meetings, and if i sent the stuff to him he would then be able to see its good. But today at the meeting a lady was saying her hubby in recovery does not go to meetings.and how she has to not tell him to go. So sending the literature might be me nagging? I dont know will it help or hinder. Until today listening to that woman say how she has to stop herself telling her hubby to get t meetings, i never thought me sending the literature would be a bad thing. When i dont get to enough |AA myself, my hubby will say maybe I need some meetings and I dont get angry at his suggestion (USUALLY! depends on if hes bugging me) sometimes i am grateful he cares. But I guess other people might not take it the same way! Esepcially if they dont want to go!
Someone suggested i might try get him therapy but i think that will annoy him also? How would I word that!
I dont want to comment on his weight, i never do not directly i dont care what size he is its his health conccerns that scare me. I used to have ED a very long time ago only for a few years though not long in duration and i always thought it was dreadful when people comment on other peoples appearance weight, because when i lost weight i got all these compliments but i felt the wost I had ever felt inside with the ED.
I will take all your advice thank you.Kitty I like your suggestions about things to say i need those hints and tips so thank you . 'that sounds healthy' and change the subject is good idea Xeno thank you
-- Edited by Slugcat on Monday 23rd of August 2010 11:55:18 AM
when u try to convince someone of something, that they are not at all interested in - the more u bring it up, the more they wont even consider what u are saying. Yes, it would be "nagging" and everyone resents that.
Imagine if someone was trying to convince u that u were a murderer or you were a cannibal. The more they said you were that, the more u would be convinced that you were never that.
Plus, when we are trying to force our suggestions and great ideas on others - come off looking like a total wacky zealot/fanatic.
Work on you and better your life. Be a great role model for healthy living (physically, emotionally, spiritually) and love your family member. They just like the A, already feels guilty, insecure and fearful. The more u say how wrong he is, the more his already disotorted view of himself (whatver that is, he is not worth more then -or he thinks he is unlovable or wtvr) gets validated and compounded. That means what ur saying to him - magnifies his bad self image and feelings.
Love and support the ones you love and accept them where they stand (in their own lives, making their own choices) and be the best you, u can be(come).
((( xeno ))) Your H accepts, supports and loves you without attemtping to control/change you. He sounds very healthy. He didnt pressure you to eat or even talk about it. We are freer to relax with that kind of support/love. Its a great example of how it can work for us with our relationships, thank you.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I actually got the book today in the post and started reading it and thinking oh wow this is good i have to send it to him. But i wont. I read what you say and i admit i dont like it, because i want to do something but it is good to read what you said as I know KNOW my own ideas are probably not the best and not the most sane right now.
The reason I wanted to send it is people have suggested leaving literature around but since I am so far away from him i cant leave anything around at all. Unless i go visit him and then would i leave stuff around? It would be wierd to leave books and leaflets around at his house wouldnt it?
I start worrying how much emotional pain he could be in and it breaks my heart. But i cant do anything about it. But look after me. Today I started working on my own stuff. i got an exam i have to do and could i get my head to read the book without wandering off into what ifs and worry, was hard to concertrate. I got some done though.
-- Edited by Slugcat on Tuesday 24th of August 2010 10:47:38 AM
