6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

Slugcat · Veteran Member

How do you do detachment?

applecake · Member

Hi, I'm very new to this too, so take what I have to say as a newbie. But I've been having a rough time with this too lately. I went to get advice from a very wise friend and took her advice.

It is all about your HP. Not your Hewlett Packard. (I'm sorry, it just cracks me up every time I see "HP" here - still getting used to the lingo!!!)

For me, I have a major need for love - as we ALL do. It's natural for me to expect that need to be filled by my AH. I am starting to understand that he loves me as much as he is able to, but because of his addiction, is simply not able to love me as much - or as well - or as fully - as I need him to. It's just not enough. He has so many issues and hangups and is so sick, that he just isn't able to fill that need for me. I really am starting to understand that it is, indeed, a sickness. Not as simple as a choice at this point. He can't just flip a switch and make his addiction go away, even if he wanted to, which I'm not sure he really even does right now. Make sense? ;/

So I turn to my HP. HE fills my need for love. HE is who I can run to for refuge and healing of my own heart. HE cares about my feelings and does not turn me away. I am able to detach from the situation with my AH because I have somewhere to go where I find acceptance, love, refuge, emotional safety. HE upholds me when I am too weak to hold myself up. HE is the hope I have for the future - even if things do not get better with AH.

Again, I'm a very new newbie to all of this. I have been to a total of ONE meeting. I don't know the official Alanon way of detachment, but I know what is working for me. And I am so thankful to my HP for providing Alanon to me as a way to work through this reality of my life.

hopeforme · Member

This article may be different from the one you saw. I found it very helpful.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Wishing you the ESH you seek...

Hope

mjhyankees · Senior Member

I'm certainly no expert on this but I have found it helpful to examine some things. For one, think of a time that something upset someone else but didn't bother you. Maybe it was being stuck in traffic while others cursed and honked and you were OK with it. Why didn't it bother you? Likely because you weren't trying to control it, and weren't emotionally invested in it. Your focus was somewhere else or on something else. Maybe you were thinking about something fun you were going to do or whatever. We are told to focus on ourselves. The more we do that, the easier it is to detach. Various religious figures were very detached from life events due to their belief in something better (an afterlife or whatever). When focused elsewhere, many things become easier to detach from....that's my take so far anyway.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

What was puzzling for me when I began this journey was what the exact process of detaching looked like. I would be obsessing and trying to change my A, but how exactly did I get to that much-desired state called "detachment"?

For me it's been a process of recognizing when I'm heading into unhealthy ways of thinking, and replacing those thoughts in my brain. Like I find myself thinking "He didn't even realize he was a hypocrite ... What about that time he said, 'You're just trying to pick a fight!' when I asked why he stood me up that evening ... that was so unfair ... if only I had said ...I should call him up and explain ... he'd understand if only ..." And there I go again.

So I try to bring myself up short and I say to myself, "Here I am obsessing about it again ... alcoholics drink and co-dependents obsess. So I'm not obsessing about it because it's useful, I'm doing it because I think somehow that I can think my way out of being hurt and ignored. I have an illusion that somehow I can think of a way to change him and then he will be able to love me in the way I want and everything will be wonderful. This is a reflection of what I want, not who he is. I have to remember that the only person I can control is myself. I have to concentrate on my own life. What do I need to be doing today? What's missing from my life today that I can change? What should I do next for myself?" That's the long version but I take the short-cut version a lot. And there's a version of that for the various things I tend to obsess about.

My experience is that in the beginning I needed to redirect my obsessing approximately one million times a day. It does get better. I'm down to only about a thousand times a day now. :) My mind still heads down the wrong paths but when I'm successful at redirecting, my life does get so much better. I really believe the saying about "It works if you work it." That's my experience.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

There are step by step instructions at www.coping.org.

The one thing I would say about detachment is that it takes practice, lots and lots of practice. There is also another way to look at detachment in distracting ourselves. Rather than sit worry and obsess set small tasks for yourself. Set a time limit on how much you will worry and try to stick to it. Over time and it does take time and energy and focus your sense of being overwhelming responsible for others will diminish.

Maresie.

LynninCalif · Member

I am wondering how I get to the meetings on here?
Newbie, Linda

LynninCalif · Member

Also what does AH mean?
Thanks again
Linda

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

You've gotten some good ESH here. I just want to repeat that it takes practice. It was really hard for me to learn to detach, but it does get easier with time. To get to the meetings go to the upper left corner where it says LINKS. Click on the second line AL ANON GROUP MEETING/CHAT ROOM. I hope that gets you into the meeting room OK. It worked for me for months but lately Ive been

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I had to first - learn to focus on me. Then I made me my own first priority- and I carefully determined what boundaries I could make for myself, following the 6 guidelines to boundaries. Then I set the boundaries that I was willing to follow through on, for myself. Afterr i was practising with boundaries ~ is when i first got the experience of what emotional detachment feeels like. It felt like heaven and I wanted to figure out how to feel it a lot more. Keep practising, keep coming back and working it.

6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
SET THEM CLEARLY.
COMMUNICATE THEM THEM CLEARLY.
ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).

Boundaries are to protect you. Not to control someone else. No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on.

The boundaries are for YOU. In time u may change/alter them to suit you or the circumstance. When u out grow a boundary and dont need it anymore - u will know that too. You can have emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual, spiritual, social, professional, financial, familial & marital boundaries.

I add this bc that is what happened to me a few times in dealing with my parents.

I made my first boundary that I would not visit my mom if her AH was there. Then I would visit her but if her AH began to abuse me emotionally - then I left. After about a year, I had detached so much from his behavior, that I didnt need to leave anymore bc his words had no power over me, I no longer believed them - I could detach from him entirely & he couldnt hurt me anymore.

Take what u like & leave the rest. Take care of YOU, whatever that looks like. If you dont stand up for YOU, who will? If not now, when? You can change right now. Life is consecutive moments of right now.

Hi Lynin cali- we get into the chat room with a link in yellow at the top left on the MIP page.

Chat Room Meeting schedule: Monday-Friday...9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10am, 9pm EST(newcomers)and 9pm EST, Sunday: 10am and 7pm EST. _____ UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

Come on in and talk to us live!

-- Edited by kitty on Monday 23rd of August 2010 09:53:43 AM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES