The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a new member and in desperate need of advice. My 30 y.o. daughter is a severe alcoholic. She has 2 children and recently left her husband. She just moved next door, to me. Initially, I thought this would be healthy for my grandchildren, as I'd be available to & for them. We have a uniquely beautiful relationship. These 2 precious children are suffering and are at an age to realize their mom's problem.
I am a relatively 'young grandma' and would otherwise have the fortitude to do whatever it takes to protect my grandchildren, but I have cancer and recently learned my cancer has spread. I become weak easily and cannot always care for my grandchildren. Based upon circumstances (too lengthy to list), I believe I could obtain a court order for my daughter to enter rehab, but right now I don't have enough faith in my health to care for the kids by myself. She needs to go away, for at least 6 mos. She is destroying all of us and I feel time is running out, on several levels.
A few facts: I live alone and have no one to help me with the kids. There are no other family members for support, my son-in-law (kid's dad) is newly recovering (too soon to rely on him), my daughter angers easily, terrible temper. I contacted my local Al-Anon, but was to ill to attend my first meeting. My daughter lost ALL of her once large circle of friends, all but for one...another alcoholic..a Medical Doctor no less!
My Immediate & Desperate Questions: How to I 'break the ice' with my daughter to at least give her a warning, suggest she acknowledge her problem, let her know I will take action against her, etc. and how do I handle what will be a definite angry response?
Hello and welcome to MIP Your post touched my heart and my prayers go out to you and your family. You are dealing with so much right now and support is much needed. If you are unable to get to face to face alanon meetings in your area please join us here on line for our meetings that are scheduled twice daily. The meetings are awesome and there are many of us that have children who are addicted to alcohol or drugs. Personally My son (age 21) is an addict and though I have been surrounded by alcholics and addicts all my life it took my sons disease to bring me here. I wish I could tell you how or if to have that conversation with your daughter about her alcholism and you wanting to take control of the children. In my experience confronting a person about thier addiction even if they are sober is pretty much fruitless as this disease will protect itself at all costs and denial ( on her part ) is strong and runs deep. But I can tell you of my own similar experience. My brother was a hard core heroin addict with a young daughter whom he had custody of. He was so deep in his addiction his daughter was with me and my family most of the time anyway. My brother also had an addict girl friend and the two of them fought like crazy to the point of guns coming out. I consulted with an attorney to see what my chances were of getting custody of my niece as I had already called child protective services. The attorney told me I didn't have a chance in hell. UGH! Not what I wanted to hear. But I did talk with my brother, I told him I had already consulted an attorney ( I did not tell him what the attorney had told me) and that things would just go easier if he signed over custody of my niece to me rather than having to go thru all the legal proceedings. I prayed my lie of ommission would work. And it did. He gave me custody of his daughter. We agreed he could see her anytime he wanted, I would never come between them. And he stopped by everyday after work to see her. She lived with us until she was a senior in HS when she decided she didn't like our rules and went back to live with her dad. But at least for the many years we had her she knew stability, structure, love and lived in a home addiction free. You are the only one who can decide how to approach your daughter I can't give you advice on that. I would say pray about it and try to listen to what your Higher Power tells you to do. I do urge you again to attend our online meetings and begin working the program It will be so helpful to you and your grandchildren. I am sorry you have to deal with this along with your health issues but you will find tons of support here so please come back Blessings to you
I am so sorry to hear you are up against so many challenges. I hope you can get to the online meetings here. This is a wonderful place with lots of wisdom. I have been helped so much by it myself.
Al-Anon's "three C's" are that you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. I'd bet everyone here has had that experience of trying to reason with the alcoholics in their lives and make them see that they need to get help and stop drinking. If anything like that worked, there would be no alcoholism in the world. Unfortunately it is a strong, strong disease, and it makes the alcoholic so crazy that they prefer alcohol to anything else in their lives: family, love, health, anything. They are the only ones who can come to a realization that enough is enough and alcohol is ruining them instead of helping them. And unfortunately this happens on their own time scale if it happens.
But it is wonderful for your two precious grandchildren that you are there. It sounds to me as if the most vital thing is for you to put your energy into taking care of your own health so that down the road you'll have the energy to be there for them as they grow. As you learn more about alcoholism, your own serenity will increase (that's my experience), and that will make it easier to know what's possible and not possible with your daughter.
I'm so happy to hear that the kids' father is in early recovery, and I hope he will stay the course and in time be a resource for you all too. Hugs to you -- keep coming back.
Thank you Mattie & Xeno59 for your understanding and support. For the first time in months, I have tears of hope, not sadness. I will absolutely attend the online meetings and again thank you, thank you.
Never underestimate what sober alcoholic can do , call dad and relate your concerns perhaps that will encourage him to become a little more involved in thier lives .. nothing u say or do will cause him to drink again , he is sober it wll be a choice he makes ... Your health is most important at this time . warning daughter of your intentions will definetly cause a problem ,kids have to come first they count on us as adults to keep them safe and if calling Human Resorses is your only option do what u have to do for thier sakes. you can purchase a book from Amazon called Whats Drunk Mama great for little ones , it explains the disease , encourages respect for the alcoholic and reasures the child this is not thier problem , they are not the reason this is happening even little ones blame them selves .. take care of you do what u have to do for the kids .. Louise
i'm sorry you are in the position you are in. Does your daughter have a doctor near you. Do you have someone else who you can bring in to help you. If your daughter's children are at risk, you can contact social services and they may be able to assist you. I do not know where you live but there are organizations that do help grandmothers who have left to care for their grandchildren. Why not line up some of those organizations, people who can assist you before you confront your daughter.
Alcoholism is a cunning baffling disease. It is absolutely normal that your daughter will be in denial about it. Indeed the denial is part of her disease. If you can please get a copy of the book listed above as "free" it is called Getting them Sober. That book will help you get a expectation of what you can and can't expect from your daughter.
I am sorry you are so ill. I am glad you have found this resource for yourself
Aloha Heartbreak...Welcome to the board and it looks like you are needed as much or more help than your daughter huh? Go get help for yourself at the best place that you will find people who share your mutual concerns because they have been there also and have become much better at doing the right thing. That place is the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Look in the white pages of your local phone book for the hotline number and call it for the meeting places and times. Often times there will be names and phone numbers attached to those meetings so you can call for a more personal touch if someone is home. If you have difficulty getting to a meeting call and ask for a ride and then please go. Get in the room visit the literature table and then sit for the meeting. You won't have to do anything but listen and if they invite you to talk or read and you're too scared to do that...say "pass" and turn it over. That is what I suggest before trying to learn how to start a discussion with an alcoholic. Trying to talk with an alcoholic is talking withsome under the influence...everything, bothways gets drunk. The love and support in a face to face is good medicine and life saving in my experience. Keep coming back here also.
I am so tremendously grateful for all of the encouragement. After a more news on my health and my grandchildren's refusal to leave me last night, I did call my son-in-law. I explained we need to speak face-to-face. He asked nothing, immediately said yes. He is the father (a good one), he had the courage to seek help and I am so proud of him.
In just the few short days of joining this site, I realize I cannot do this alone. The stress caused by my daughter is making me more ill, literally. I know my grandchildren fear losing me. When they see me in my worst moments, the fear in their eyes is crushing. The one thing I can control, is not to expose them to MY health problems, although they do know I have cancer. We actually have a few good laughs about it!!
I'm waiting for 'that' call to be admitted, for further bopsies, surgery, etc. and my hospital read will be your recommended books. I figure that will take me out of my own place of cancer misery, give me inner strength and prepare me for good things, when I come home.
