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I have been married to an alcoholic for 17 years. Some of this time we were separated because of his drinking. I took him back because he was sober for months and attending meetings. But, I think, he is drinking again.
We have a fourteen year old son who has unfortunately been apart of all his dad's drama. I have worried about him becoming an alcoholic since he was still in the womb (I wasn't going to have a child with my husband becasue of his drinking but my birth control failed). My husbands father is an alcoholic also. I have talked to Austin about drinking but my older kids say that I am making too much of it...that plenty of kids of alcoholics can drink and not become addicts. Besides being a child of an alcoholic, my husband was also physically and verbally abused by his parents. My son does not have this issue so I'm hoping this will make the difference.
Anyone else in this situation and how do you handle the situation with your child? By the way, I don't bring it up with him often. I know that could make it worse.
I also have a fourteen year old son and a nine year old daughter. My AH and I have been locked in a bitter divorce for the past three and a half years. My AH...although I do think he is drinking again has for the past seven years been a prescription pill addict.
My son tells me he really never thinks about his dad addiction but I think that's because he has limited access and his dad does a pretty good job of being a weekend dad. Like you, I have fully explained to my son about the possibility of him having the gene and what that could mean for him but I have also told him it's only a 50/50 possibility. I don't want him to believe that it's a done deal and he will be just like his dad. My son knows that we have a rich family history of alcoholism on both sides and although he knows it's serious we also joke about it a bit and lighten it up and talk about how the pattern stops with us.
When my son was 12 he was suspended from school for smoking pot. I was crushed and was sure he was on his way down that nasty path with his dad. He assured me he was just courious and only tried it five or six times. It may sound gulable but I do believe him and now almost three years later he has showed no signs of any other drug or alcohol use. Infact he just asked me if he could go into a Leader in Training program at a youth camp where he is exposed to possitive male role models. I know he will expariment more along the way like a lot of teens do, did I. I don't want to over react because of his dad and I want to showing him I trust him...unless he proves to me I can't...is important.
I do my best to speak possitively about their dad, which is still very difficult for me but for the most part now that I have ended my marriage we just get on with life. I find my kids don't want to talk about it. I put out feelers every now and then....I think my daugther may try to "fix" her dad but I refuse to let his drinking and druging to play such a large role in our lives now that we are in separate homes.
If either of my kids end up addicts I know it's not because of anything I did or didn't do. I would hate it but fully believe that we are all here to learn and experiance certain things. The best I can do is be here to help guild them and understand when they fall. Fearing the fall won't stop it if it's ment to happen.
-- Edited by agatha on Sunday 22nd of August 2010 12:02:36 PM
To be perfectly honest in my experience there is no way of telling who will become an alcholic/addict and who will not. My husband and I both grew up in highly addictive families, my brother and sister became alcholics/addicts I did not, my hubands siblings also became alcholics but he did not. When our children were young we made a consious decsion to move 3 states away so our children were not exposed to all that chaos. Hmmm what I didn't know is that while we may not have become alcholics we definitly carried all the behavorisms of being an alcholic. If that makes sense. We grew up in dysfunction and when we moved we took our dysfuctions right along with us. had I known that I would have hit those doors of alanon a long time ago in order to learn how to live a more mentally healthy lifestyle. Our children did not grow up in an addictive home but lo and behold our son became an addict. I definitly believe genetics play a large part in this disease and now knowing our own dysfunctions played a part seems our son drew the genetic short straw. We don't give advice here but I would strongly suggest you continue to start attending alanon meetings and your son is at the right age to attend alateen. It will give you both a better perpective on this disease and teach you how to learn to live with it. You son is going to have to deal with his dad the rest of his life, the more he learns about this disease and sees he is not alone he will learn healthy tools and coping mechinisms that will keep him on the right path. Blessings
I have a 14-year old daughter and 12-year old son.... They are both spectacular kids, despite the fact that they grew up in their early years around active alcoholism (their mother, who is now 7 years sober). I don't know if there is one "right" answer, but I believe in the value of educating them, as best as I possibly can....
They DO know that they have a higher likelihood (statistically) of becoming an alcoholic than their friends from non-addictive upbringings....
I am thrilled, at this age, that they are still not interested in alcohol whatsoever.... I'm sure that will change somewhat in the years to come, but all we can do is keep the dialogue open and happening, and be available to talk (and listen) to them through it all...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Aloha Redhead...this is an important thread for me and hits the taproot of my life. I didn't know I was born into generational alcoholism on both sides of my family. I had no idea why my mother fought my grandmother so vehemently on the day we grandchildren were introduced to the cultural wine. I had no idea at the age of nine how powerful and magical that first glass of wine was but it was like Walt Disney came into my thought and feelings with a wide array of beautiful colors. I saw another side of life other than the chaos of the disease. I didn't know why at the age of 13 I was so focused on drinking only, with my drinking friends. I didn't know why school and growing up and maturing meant less and less as I got older and then why the chaos in my life took on gigantic proportions. I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know...I was clueless and didn't assume. I didn't know why I couldn't fix my messed up family and friends who all came from alcoholic backgrounds. I didn't know a thing about alcoholism. I didn't know my first wife would be an addict and that my second relationship would be an alcoholic and my second wife an alcoholic addict. I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know even when I got into my first "for real" Al-Anon meeting. I didn't know my wife was an alcoholic that that most of the people in my life and family were also and that...so was I. One of the first things I learned was that I didn't know and that I had never known and by that time I was 37 and the erosion in my life would not end for another 5 or so years even while I was an active member of Al-Anon. It would not be another 4 years that I got into AA because after 9 years of Al-Anon, 3 years of college and several years of being a substance abuse/alcoholism counselor (working with adolescents...my HP is cunning, powerful and baffling...read loving and smart and caring) I had a unplanned opportunity to do my very own alcoholism assessment and there it was and the suggestion from nursing came back that "who ever belonged to that assessment needed to be in inpatient treatment or the next time they drank they died." I never knew about toxic shock (I've had three) and what that meant was overdose and 3x usually always indicates a severe addiction. I didn't know. What I had found out was that there is a dynamic in this disease of compulsion call relapse and that often times even a recovering person never hears that rumble until the train has crushed their life. I had learned that a person in relapse doesn't go back to where and how they started drinking when they relapse they go back to how it was when they stopped. There is only one thinking in my life I've ever said "uncle" to and it has been alcoholism. It took another drunk to get me into Al-Anon. What I fear is this disease and and the cunning, powerful and baffling nature it has that can cause a person with longterm sobriety to return to drinking and die (I've been alcohol free for 31 years). If I drink again and when I go back to what it was like when I stopped, there is no way that this aged, chemical free body can handle the load. I stay close to relapsers to learn what they found out. They are my mentors in recovery because I don't know. I want to keep it that way.
If I had had this information when I was fourteen it might have made a difference and still the actual key was turned 5 years before. My first drink revealed to me that my Higher Power was in a bottle and at that time my Mom was completely powerless. I think she knew and that is why she fought so hard to stop it. I also think that she knew what was coming after. The disease killed her spirit when her dad drank and it took bigger chunks when her sons did. She loved me and it was a painful love just like the women of MIP talk about here. I know that part now. It is why I keep coming back to give hope...the other side of alcoholism for the family. It might have made the difference and then too maybe not. I know alot of alcoholics who have drank in spite of the knowledge. I hear alot about that truth here and it explains the power of the disease to take the alcoholic away inspite of the pain they resist.
My mom prayed alot...God, the saints, St. Francis especially and more. She waited up nights in the corner in the dark on her rocking chair and witnessed my tumbling down flights of stairs and then trying to convince her that "its cause I have the flu". My mom went thru stuff that other mothers here have gone thru some worse some not, and I know she prayed cause that is what moms' do and that is who HP listens to. I know that my mom had to let me go and she let go hard she wanted me attached so the detachment was almost surgical. She hung on with hope until I was 37 and found the doors to Al-Anon and then AA and when she let go she turned me over to her HP and the women of Al-Anon who then took over and raised me. There is no gratitude that exist as strong as that which I feel to this program and the women who raised me until I could say...now I know and accept unconditionally.
To you and every mother and woman on in the program and MIP I owe a debt of gratitude beyond my immediate ability to pay back and that is why I keep coming back. Stay with the program and with MIP...(((((hugs)))))
I agree with Xeno that you can't ever tell who will be an alcoholic and who will not. My mother's dad was an alcoholic, and my mother is an alcoholic. However, although my sister and I grew up with an alcoholic mother, neither she nor I are alcoholics.
Neither of my husbands' parents are alcoholics, and none of his 3 siblings are alcoholics. My husband is an alcoholic.
I have talked to my sponsor before about what if my boys become alcoholics. I have 2 of them - one is 9 years old and the other is 10 months old. My sponsor asked me, "well, so what if they do?" And then I couldn't think of anything to say. While I would rather that my boys not suffer in the way I have seen my husband suffer from alcoholism, I can't control it - and worrying about it today is not going to prevent it from happening in the future. I will not love my children less if they turn out to be alcoholics. The best I can do is to educate them about alcoholism and take them to Alateen when they are old enough to go.
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