The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am 4th from the oldest of 9 children. 7 of them are alcoholics and or drug addicted! I finally decided I need to talk to others in the same boat. I have been dealing with this for over 30 years! My mom is 76 and calls me all the time worried or crying over my brothers especially! I just want it to stop. I tried for years to help them. They are all in their 40's and 50's now and I feel so much guilt over all of them. I told my mom not to call me if she is going to whine over my homeless 45 year old brother and the others. They have driven her crazy for years and she has been so co-dependent and an enabler for years. She has no clue as to how to stop herself. My dad is 83 now and comes over daily asking me about all of them. My 33 year old son is now doing the same thing to me. He wont work, has 2 children, no job, no car no licence and he is always asking for my help. He was sleeping on our couch every time his girlfriend kicks him out. I am a total wreck over years of this and I need to know how to stop. My husband cant take it anymore either as it is destroying us both. I really believe we need to move. I cant answer my phone. I feel like I am in a emotionl, mental prison. I am now 51 years old and I have gone off the deep end several times.
Aloha Lynn...I found recovery in Central Valley California...I know it is there if you will listen to this suggestion and follow up on it. In the white pages of your local telephone book you will find the hotline number for Al-Anon. Call it and find out where and when the fellowship of Al-Anon meets and as soon as you can get to the face to face meeting. You can make the suggestion to your Husband "lets go try something new that I've been told helps" and go. You'll only need an hour and a half or so and that is nothing compared to the 51 years you now have. When you get there go over to the literature table and pick up as much literature as you can and most of the pamphlets will be no cost. When the meeting starts sit down and listen openly to how it runs and how the members share. You won't have to share you can say "pass" if you feel the need to and that goes for your husband also. (There are lots of married couples in the program and my spouse and I are an example). After the meeting hang around and talk to some of the membership and get phone numbers of those who will permit you to have them so you can build on the support group then make up your mind to return and go to other meetings as many as you can for the next 90 days. Why 90 days? one reason is that it didn't take you overnight to get as deep into the problem and it won't be over night that you learn the solutions. If after 90 days you feel that Al-Anon is not the answer for you you can try something else.
You, your husband, your mom and dad are completely powerless over the situation. I'll be you can agree to that along with all of the membership here. Keep coming back here also...read and continue to share. In support (((((hugs)))))
Thank you so much Jerry. You are my first response and I thank you so much. I have a 45 year old brother laying in a field so sick he cant move. My mom gives them food and money all the time. My brother David is in prison dying from Chirrohis he is 53, My sister Shirley is drunk with vodka everyday in a motel all alone near me. She calls me all the time crying! My brother John age 45 overdosed in 2006 from a heroin addiction of 20 years! My sister Vicky is drunk everyday. My brother Jack 58 calls me drunk blaming my parents. They all blame my old parents. My brother Mike is facing 9 years in prison from drinking and hiting his girlfriend. I will take your advice and go to alanon because I have been so stressed out that I drank several times to cope! I hate alcohol! Do I just forgot they exist? Never talk to them again? Thank you so much. Linda
Okay that is more information added to the picture of my understanding....see I am a member of both Al-Anon and AA...why because I hated alcoholism and while I did I also drank. I just drank forget looking for any reasons why because I had alternatives to drinking and also I was pretty much aware that there was no law that said I had to...so Al-Anon first because I was also raised in the disease (predisposed to find out later) and I married the women I drank with and who were addicted that I thought I could manage while leaving my own life to luck.
Let me add to my suggestion...don't take that first drink and go to the meeting. Now we have more in common and I'm even more supportive than at first. You got a sick brother in the field and I've got a cousin lost in the forrest up there...somewhere. Plus a couple of generational layers of others who if we all took a blood test right now would certainly show positive for a mind and mood altering substance.
So check up on the meeting...by the way when I got into Al-Anon my own drinking went to zero because I got busy fixing my own life...I didn't even know then that I had a chair for me in both rooms. Thank God and Al-Anon. I will keep your family and siblings in my prayers and also take them to my morning AA home meeting. HP (Higher Power...God as I understand God) and I are on a personal basis so I listen and HP already knows...I do it anyway so when I mention who I'm feeling compassion for my HP chuckles.
I just wanted to welcome you and say I am so very glad you found us.
Jerry gave you excellent suggestions. I want you to know that there is Hope and Help for you. I am so sorry that this disease is destroying so many so near and dear to you.
Alcoholism is a disease that you did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure.
Please, please come here and to local meetings. Take mom and your husband. They will benefit greatly. Changed attitudes wlll help all the communications in your family
Alanon stresses that we make no major life changes for the first 6 months That is so your thinking can settle down. You will find some clarity as to what is the next right action and can make plans.
Please know you are not alone and there is help!!!
We are not just powerless over the addict, we are powerless over all our family members.
It has been very frustrating to me trying to get my family to get to Al-Anon with me. My Mom had gone a couple times but she is painfully shy. She is too shy to talk and too embarrased to go and not talk. My brother went to a meeting, bought a book and talked a good game about going to meetings but never went again. But it seems his councelor has a lot of 12 step experience. My neice says she will go to me but every time I offer to pick her up she magically has something planned that day.
So I had to learn that I was not just powerless over my SIL, but over everyone dealing with my SIL. Just as you are powerless over your mother.
But Al-Anon helps us stop spinning our wheels on what we can't change had divert that energy to what we CAN change, namely ourselves and our sick reactions to everyone else.
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As far as your question "Do I just forgot they exist?" The best thing is to detach from the alcoholism, not the alcoholic. Or just from their sick behavor, not from the person they are underneath. My alcoholic is my SIL who has made it a point over the past several years to completely isolate herself from all of us. And now she has left the family. So I don't have that balancing act with her. But I do have that with my brother's family in general. (he was rather messed up before marrying the alcoholic.)
Well, go to the meetings. Read the literature. I am not saying you will get all your answers the moment you start going to meetings, but you will learn, little by little, day by day, how to claim the serenity available to you. I look forward to hearing from you again.
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Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another persons alcoholism can be a means of detaching: this does not necessarily require physical separation. Detachment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively. Alcoholism is a family disease. Living with the effects of someone elses drinking is too devastating for most people to bear without help. In Al-Anon we learn nothing we say or do can cause or stop someone elses drinking. We are not responsible for another persons disease or recovery from it. Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with anothers behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behavior.
http://www.al-anon-suffolk-ny.org/Detachment.htm
__________________
Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
You have already been given a lot of great suggestions especially by Jerry ! I too come from a family of addicts and my son is now an addict, I am your age and honestly had to hit my own bottom before walking through the doors of alanon. It has saved my life and my sanity. You have found a great place of love and support here on MIP. We also have great meetings here online twice a day. I have no face to face meetings in my area so my recovery is done here online. I attend every morning meeting, if I don't my day just doesn't go right LOL. Please do go to meetings in your area and join us here any time. We are all here for the same reason although our stories may be a little different. But in the end our lives have been affected by someone else's addiction. Welcome and hope to see you here often Blessings
I have a question? Why dont we all just move away if that is an option? I know that if you dont see it or hear it than wouldnt it make our lives much easier? All we would need to do is pray for them. My parents raised us in the mess and now I have to suffer because of it. I mean out of 9 of us by the same parents. This is ths situation. Again I thank you all for reading and responding! Over 30 years of my life is enough! Dont you all feel the same way to some extent? Brother Jack age 58...Alcoholic Brother David age 53...dying in prison of cirrohis Sister Shirley age 52... Locked in a motel over 20 years drinking vodka from morning till night. May have cirrohis. Lost all 3 children because of it. Me age 51...Have drank to self medicate to forgot about them, but I rarely do that. Sandra age 50...25 years meth user....stuggles with it but has stopped. Brother John would be age 49....overdosed at age 46 of a 20 year heroin addiction Brother Mike age 48...over 30 year alcoholic Sister Vicky age 47...alcohohic and over 25 year meth user Brother Chuck age 45...alcoholic and former meth user. How can that many in one family be so messed up? I have not one to talk to or confide in. And they all live in a 20 mile radius of my home. I moved 50 miles in 1985 to get away from them and in 1 year they all moved near me, including my dad and mom. Linda
I HEAR YOU AND THE QUESTION ABOUT MOVING AWAY AND NO CONTACT.
THE PROBELM WITH THAT IS THAT THE PAIN, SADNESS, MEMORIES,ANGER OF THE PAST 30 YEARS IS STILL VERY MUCH WITHIN YOU. MoVE AND IT ALL MOVES WITH YOU AND I MIGHT ADD SO MIGHT YOUR FAMILY (AS THEY DID IN THE PAST) I AM SO SORRY THAT YOUR SIBLINGS ARE IN SUCH CRISIS AND I KNOW IT PAINS YOU.
ALANON DOES NOT SAY DONT CUT TIES OR WALK AWAY. WE SUGGEST COME TO MEETINGS, USE NEW TOOLS TO DIMINISH THE PAIN AND THEN WITH YOUR HIGHER POWERS HELP YOU CAN TAKE THE CONSTRUCTIVE ACTIONS THAT ARE RIGHT FOR YOU AND NOT TAKE ACTIONS THAT ARE A REACTION TO THE PROBLEM.
AT MEETINGS YOU CAN BREAK THE ISOLATION, AND BE HEARD A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF RECOVERY
PLEASE KEEP COMING HERE, TRY THE ONLINE MEETINGS AND CHAT
YOU DESERVE PEACE AND RELIEF FROM THE TERRIBLE PAIN OF THIS DISEASE.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 22nd of August 2010 06:00:10 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 22nd of August 2010 06:02:41 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 22nd of August 2010 06:03:40 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 22nd of August 2010 06:06:30 PM
I can definitely relate to your issues. My sister has been an alcoholic since she was 15/16. My family is riddled with alcoholism. When I visted my family a few years ago I went to my cousin's bar. I was upstairs watching TV for 10 minutes (literally) and one of his customers dropped dead in the bar from alcoholic poisoning. Talk about chaos, fear and absolute craziness. I moved 10,000 miles from my family and guess what I was still surrounded by alcoholism. I left a relationship more than 4 years ago and still am surrounded by it.
The difference is the way I respond to it. I no longer feel responsible. I no longer engage the disease. I am certainly affected by it, the chaos is around me. I do not invite it in any more. When I meet people I am able now to assess are they heathy rather than feel like it is my duty to take care of them.
Alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful. In al anon we adopt the three C's, we didn't cause it, we can't cure it and we certainly can't control it.
If you choose to get involved with al anon you can learn new skills, detachment, focusing on yourself, the ability to stop and say no. You can learn to have other choices rather than feel imprisoned by other peoples problems. That doesn't mean that I am not compassionate and caring. I am. What' different is that I no longer feel that I have to solve anyone's problems but my own. I have plenty of problems after growing up as I did and having been with an alcoholic addict for 7 years. For me these days that is enough to deal with.
I'm glad you are here. This is a great place to start from. This is also a place to come back to and share your process. No one here is going to judge, lecture, blame or insist you do it 'their" way.
That helped. Thanks for caring It's just that for me that when I see them it tears me up. Especially when my 76 year old mom ask me to take her to a field and look for my 45 year old brother to give him a pizza and whines because he hasnt showered in a month. Then tells me when my other older brother dies in prison from his liver that she will go soon after! It just tears me up! I love them as much as anyone, but I have a life to live as well and I really have no idea who I am, what I like, etc. Really strange. I don't know where they end and I begin. Hard to explain. I never wanted this and I just want to run away everyday. Guess Im whining now.
Thank you HotRod That is a good point. I guess I would have no drama syndrome! I tried last night to get to the live chat session but I couldnt get in. It said something about my adobe or somethign was wrong and wouldnt connect. I have the latest adobe. Oh well, I will try and figure it out. Thank you for your imput. Lynn
It's just that for me that when I see them it tears me up. Especially when my 76 year old mom ask me to take her to a field and look for my 45 year old brother to give him a pizza and whines because he hasnt showered in a month. Then tells me when my other older brother dies in prison from his liver that she will go soon after! It just tears me up! I love them as much as anyone, but I have a life to live as well and I really have no idea who I am, what I like, etc. Really strange. I don't know where they end and I begin. Hard to explain. I never wanted this and I just want to run away everyday. Guess Im whining now.