The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Wish I would not compare myself to others. There was a lady this evening talking about how her daughter had two kids, was working full time, and going to school. Well I immediately related it to my life thinking that my choice to work part time and go to school part time and raise my three children (single parent) wasn't enough. I felt like the lady was telling me I should be doing more like her daughter is. I think I am crazy. I didn't focus on my AH that much today, but when it came time to go to a back to school party I cried because I was going on with my life, leaving him out. I have not contacted him even though his birthday was yesterday. Sometimes I feel guilty that I actually feel good about moving on, even though I am sad about our broken marriage. I think I messed up. what if i just married him to supply my need to fix someone? I sit here and rant about how he lied and used me, and I think that I used him to fill a void in me to fix someone and if I could just get someone to change for me. How sick is that?!?I'm so confused. My denial is trying to make me feel guilty about his habit, like telling me that it wasn't that bad. I mean where do you draw the line? Everyone has quirks. I am beginning to feel like I may not ever be able to have a relationship with people again, being as sensitive and analytic as i am!!!!!!!!!!!
Its difficult to leave a relationship, even when it wasnt what you thought it would be. Even when it was painful. We dont get married to get divorced.
I always thought I would be with my XAH, even with the drinking, It was something I was getting comfortable with, until in the past 6 years, he stepped it up a notch, with the drinking, it was a nitemare. The dynamics of being married to an alcoholic I found was the A always blamed me and put the responsibility of his drinking on me. That somehow it was my fault. I think thats where your guilt of not being all things to all people all the time comes from.
Kath, its time to slow down and smell the roses, you deserve to take the time for you. About you not being able to have a relationship with somebody else, I feel what your saying, its been two years for me and I feel Im no where near ready for another relationship. Its ok, use that time to work on yourself. Keep coming back to MIP, we will grow together.
Don't compare your insides to someone else's outside....I talk about how perfect my two adult daughters all the time and I truly believe they are wonderful, they certainly may be a bit different than I see it because I have "Mommy" glasses on.
You sound like an amazing Mom to me, making hard choices keeping what is best for your children first.
As for mistakes maybe you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Now you have new information so you can look forward. Time changes everything.
Some "information" I am thankful for knowing now are....
"look at the past, but don't stare"
You have your whole adult life ahead, wonderful memories, new challenges etc.
Live in today...for that is all we really have the past is gone and the future may never be but we can embrace today. This was especially hard for me to get my mind around.
When feeling discouraged make a list of everything I am are grateful for, everyday things like running water and good food and amazing things like my children or the blessing of finding alanon to guide me on a new path. It is humanly impossible to be grateful and discouraged at the same time.
The first time someone told me to make a gratitude list I thought they were nuts... It worked and that was when I realized my mind had so much control over the outcome of my every day events and the outcome of my life as a whole.
Thanks for your share. Blessings to you and your little ones.
-- Edited by glad on Saturday 21st of August 2010 07:31:59 AM
You have just outlined what goes on in the mind of many of us who attend alanon. That is why the slogans and steps are there.
Compare and Despair comes to mind, and Utilize and do not Analyze.
I found writing down these thoughts, sharing with a sponser ( mini 10th Step) helped to release me from them. You are on your way
Just keep showing up, use the tools and Steps Gratitude lists and daily readings are great as some one pointed out. You are worth it and a new relationship and life await you.
Aloha (((((Kath)))))...I'm grateful that you bought that here so I can enjoy the responses you got and then review my own recovery journey. Like it was said we all have gone thru or still do at times go thru what you are doing and part of my take/learning is sensitivity and analyzing are tools of recovery and at times I can use them for mucking around in the chaos and insanity of the disease and staying stuck. This reminds me that my sponsors use to tell me that when my nose is too close to the picture I can see only alittle. If I back away from the picture I can see and understand more about what the reality of my life really is.
Enablers have strong guilt and shame feelings because I believed I was able and supposed to do the impossible such as save and fix my alcoholic or any alcoholic for that matter. I was doing what I was raised to do and didn't have the full manual plus the "no guarantee" statement which relieved me of the sense of failure when who I was trying to fix didn't want to be. Enablers analyze everything...I had eyes at the back of my head, could rotate my head like an owl and had all the pat answers as to why things were the way they were with out question or the need of a sponsor. As an enabler I didn't love so much as I needed. I learned the definition of love from inside the meeting rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups and other sponsors and it was nothing like I did with my alcoholic. Learning ideas such as "allowing my alcoholic the dignity of her own choices" was small steps toward learning how to love her unconditionally. I learned that "The life I have is God's gift to me and what I do with it is my gift to God." When I inventoried my life it was of no value to the alcoholic, myself or to the great creator.
I heard a joke once in my Al-Anon home group where I grew up, about an Al-Anon member who was in a fatal accident and just before she passed the life of her alcoholic husband passed before her eyes. At first I was appalled but since it has become humorous and valid. I had my own dream of dying and going to heaven only to be turned away from the pearly gates to come back to earth to do it all over again because all I could report on was the years I spent trying to fix my wife's life and had not lived my own at all. Similar ideas.
Let hypersensitivity alert you to what you are doing that is good and what you need to change and allow your great analytical brain lead you to those things which will help you grow and become of greater use to your HP.
