I was raised to be an alcoholic. My mother is a classic enabler. So, she raised me to be a drunk. And I tried really hard to BE an A. I drank, I manipulated, I lied, I cheated, I stole, I was entitled, I used drugs, I disrespected myself and everyone else, I was in trouble with the law, I normalized my behavior, I was unemployed and I was in a mutually abusive realtionship. But I was not an A. I drank till I would black out. My mother would buy me alcohol even though I was underage. She would allow me to drink in her home. She supported me in my abusive realtionships and in my lack of a real job. She gave when I asked, always. But I was still not an A because none of these actions ever felt comfortable or normal to me. I wanted something better for myself even if my mother didn't.

My life didn't change until I met my husband. And all of the sudden I was done with drinking and drugging. I was never an A...I was a co-dependent! I was immediatly and totally addicted to my H!!! Every single thing that my enabling mother had done for me I did for my H!!! You know how A's say that when they took that first drink they all of the sudden felt "normal" for the first time? That is exactly how I felt when I got involved with my H. He needed "saving" and I saved him and I was totally addicted from that moment on!! I had found my "normal".

But just as alcohol will eventually kill the alcoholic, my addiction to my H was killing me. Literally. My health declined, my mental health was non existant and my H tried to kill me also. All around me were red flags waving...all telling me to GET OUT NOW while I still had the chance. But I couldn't...I couldn't let go...I was more scared of living without him than I was with him.

I came to alanon. I learned that I could love him and still live my own life. In fact, I learned that I had every right to live my own life!!! That it was the most loving thing I could do!! Focus on myself, set boundries and stick to them for my own benefit (not to manipulate or control).

Now, my mother was very very disappointed when it became clear that I was not going to be an A. I mean VERY disappointed. But when she saw that I was going to be exactly like her, a classic enabler co-dependent, that made her a bit happier. We could bond over being involved with A's and the hardships we endure because of it....here we were SAINTS!!!! MARTYRS!!!! Finally we had something in common. But I was still not comfortable. I didn't want to be a saint or martyr. I wanted to be an equal partner to someone. I wanted to be myself totally and have someone else to share with, not take over or control or have to lose myself in.

And so, I came to alanon and I began to change. Slowly. It was hard and it was painful but it has been so worth it. I gave up a destructive marriage, I gave up a toxic relationship and I began a relationship with God and myself that is way more fufilling and beautiful than anything I have ever experienced. But I did have to let go of the negative to gain the positive.

This is part of my experience with this program. The benefits are never ending and that is why I keep comming!!!!