The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I recently (June 9 2010) wrote about the misery I have encountered for the past few months concerning my alcoholic and dry drunk girlfriend who I have known (or rather not known) for the past four years.
She relapsed again some six weeks ago and again I took her back.
I tried to make another go of this mad relationship and have tried living with her for the past six weeks which has been a nightmare.
During this short period she did not relapse but instead has been verbally abusive and angry and is not committed to her recovery - 'I don't think I was a big drinker . . . AA is a cult . . . . . I don't have a problem . . . . I should never have been in rehab (for a month) for booze addiction . . . . . ' she would say.
Each time she verbally abused me I told her that her behaviour was unacceptable and stated that that I was pretty damned close to ending the relationship. Her words I found so painful and insulting - perhaps more so than any of her wretched drinking.
For instance, two weeks ago she came home from work and started swearing at me using the F and C words and tried to then excuse this by saying she 'had a resentment' because I was looking 'relaxed, healthy and happy'.
This week again on three consecutive days, she has been verbally abusive and each time has barely apologised - on one occasion she rudely pulled the telephone from my hand saying: 'Give me that f****** phone here.'
Late last night we were somehow discussing our relationship, and I told her that I was seeking a quiet, happy existence - and she then, not saying anything walked out of my apartment and drove to her home.
Insanely I drove after her.
She let me in an ugly scene then materialized during which time she - a new first - was asking me to hit her - which I have never done so and would never do - and she was crying and screaming hysterically telling me to get out.
I kept telling her calmly that she needed to get into recovery and that her behaviour was killing us. I am even now thinking that she may be on drugs?
The situation was mind spinning - merry-go-round chaos.
I felt the pathetic loss of all of the wasted and wrecked hours, days, weeks and years because of the illness - her illness. An illness that I hate but cannot cure, control and didn't cause right in front of me continuing to abuse me and destroy my girlfriend. I spat at it and her once and left and never even looked back.
I feel so bad resorting to spitting - I am a decent, kind and generous person with a strong moral compass but my life is now unmanageable.
Thank god and my HP that I left her home there and then - that the police and authorities weren't involved. Thank god I never reacted in such a way that would cause me to lose my liberty, attain a criminal record and any future chances of ever getting a job. In tears on my way home I sent her the following the text:
'I hope you get good recovery and I will now detach knowing I loved you and cared for you.
'You are purposely choosing a life of destruction and so, as you have requested, I will now step aside and let you get on with what you do best which is trying to hit your rock bottom. I really pity you. I don't hate you, I hate your illness.
'Spare a thought for me and both our families if you can, and about the way you are behaving.
'Your addiction is a mental illness and I at least can detach from the merry-go-round called ADDICTION. love J.'
I feel so very sad and distraught but I think the time has come to move on. I am sick (literally) and tired (oh so tired) of being in pain and feel my recovery can now continue.
I need to find a job which I lost at the very height of her drinking and because of all of the related chaos. I need to regain my sanity and my self esteem.
I am so sorry to go and on guys . . . . the pain of the last few weeks in particular and this past four years is so great.
I will hit the meetings, share, phone other attendees. I will do whatever I can for me to heal knowing I did my best by my girlfriend. I do not have to accept the unacceptable anymore . . . . I did what I could for her.
I hope my HP will guide me and be there to help me heal from this pain.
-- Edited by JimmyX on Sunday 15th of August 2010 08:56:16 PM
-- Edited by JimmyX on Monday 16th of August 2010 05:21:10 AM
-- Edited by JimmyX on Monday 16th of August 2010 05:25:26 AM
-- Edited by JimmyX on Monday 16th of August 2010 05:17:11 PM
Jimmy...ouch, I;m so so sorry for your pain. I have been in the same place but different.
I'm new and I don't know much, but I know you seem to have what I for one want...this instinctive reaction to care for yourself. What good would you be to anyone if you continue to berate yourself by allowing abuse to continue.
Seems to me...you're doing ok.
But like the lady said in my fist f2f...
"pain in a necessary part of life; suffering is NOT".
Aloha Jimmy...wide awake now and clearly seeing you condition as a consequence of this disease. Clearly seeing what you have to do to save your own sanity and life. You're at the door...Come on in and lets get started. Step 1...We admitted we were powerless over alcoholism and Our lives had become unmanagable. Step 2...Came to believe a Power greater than __________...could lead us to sanity. Step 3...Made a decision to...... It seems to me that you know how to fill in the blanks and finish the thought sentences. I'm in support. You've told my story and I know the part that comes after working the steps and the program. It's okay to turn her over to a power greater than yourself and to turn yourself over to that Higher Power also. You need as much help and I wish you success. In support (((hugs)))
Relationships with addicts/alcoholics are plenty dramatic.
I know I had to choose the same path for myself, although I ended it with a lot less drama surrounding it, simply telling my AH "I'm not happy any more. I want a divorce." All the drama had been lived out over the last couple of years of just crazy alcoholic behavior on his part and my trying my best to use the tools I'd learned with Al-Anon.
Stay or leave, the right answer is the one you choose for yourself.
I know that leaving ended up having to be the right answer for myself, although Lord knows I tried to find SOME way to be happy despite all the alcoholic craziness my AH brought on. The disease was too big for me, though - I couldn't find that special answer to how to detach from all his behaviors and just accept him for who he is yet try to carry on a marriage. I have some deeply ingrained morals about what a marriage should be. Some of those morals DID shift when I came to Al-Anon and realized I was putting entirely too much responsibility for my feelings on my AH's shoulders. However, some of those morals remained solid, and honesty, communication and monogamy were three morals I felt were realistic to expect and my AH, being the person he is, is incapable of any of those traits or behaviors. I just decided for myself that I could not live with that, knowing if I did choose to stay, I could expect a lifetime of lying, cheating and denial.
I shared in a meeting that you'd have to be a saint to live with my AH and just turn the other cheek with all his behaviors. I am NOT that saint! lol
Glad it sounds like you want to keep coming back. I know that even though I've ended this relationship with my AH, that it does not leave me "cured" or "fixed" or whatever you'd want to call it. I have a lot of work to do on myself. I honestly feel if I were a healthier person, I wouldn't continue to keep finding myself in relationships with addicts who are emotionally unavailable.
Welcome, your in the right place. Knowing what this disease does to us and doing something about it are two separate issues. Glad you are starting to take the action you need to take toward your recovery.
Been thru it all and with the Xah for 26 years, have been on the merry go round. Seems like its time for the detachment and healing to begin.
Keep coming back and Im sure you will make it to those face to face meetings.
Welcome to MIP and congratulations on your decision to seek recovery for yourself from the effects of addiction. Your girlfriend is obviously in a very bad place. But you are not deserting her as she has a HP and can surround herself with support if she chooses to. You deserve peace and happiness, this is the place to find it.
Jimmy thank you for your post. Glad that you have taken the steps to take care of yourself. We cant hope or love anyone into recovery. If we dont get better we get worse also. Blessings your way, keep working it :)
It sounds like you are on the right track in working on yourself. It takes time to work on us and not rushing into another relationship is a way to focus on where we need to be.
IMHO The anger expressed in adiction was already there. Old wounds can cause a huge number of problems. Making things someone elses fault is a poor way to deal with not recovering.
You stated your not working currently and that arguements started when she came home from work? That may have been the triger for releasing the anger.
Keep working on you, we can only change ourselves.
WELCOME TO OUR FAMILY :) Not sure we have met, but no that i'm glad your here...
Heart felt Prayes for you and your Journey, and like Jerry Said... You have already admitted the 1st 3 steps in doing what you have done, now it is time to start living a life you deserve, a life with dignaty & rights... And Yes.. .We all Deserve Love in return...
What you did takes Strength & Will Power, and tho you may feel you didn't do the best you could have... Around here that is Progress not Profection... And that is OK... Be We are not perfect, we are only Human...
This Path you are about to take will bring you more then you ask for, and having HP right by your side is a beautiful way to get there, and No that You are NEVER Alone...
Friends In Recovery... ONE DAY AT A TIME... Let Go & Let God Lead...
I know you feel shame at your behaviour, wondering how you got there. I am awed at your honesty. We have all done and said things for which we are ashamed. We can add it to our list of, all the things I've done that prove I'm out of control. We can also add the recipients of our behavior to our amends list. The biggest thing is admitting our part, then seeking recovery for ourselves so we can be who we want to be.
You're doing great Jimmy! Thank you for opening yourself up to the best possible recovery.
