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I just can`t seem to mind my own business when it comes to my grandaughter. Maybe I need a sponsor but I just haven`t heard anyone I can relate to yet. My daughter tells me she is NOT going to buy my grandaughter any new school clothes telling she doesnt need any. I said, what?Nothing is going to fit her, you got clothes when you were little.. I know its about the money but come on this poor kid. No new sneakers or shoes and she lives in a wealthy community. The next day I said, please you can use my charge card to spend a certain amount and pay me back. She said, well I can`t pay you back till November. Okay thats fine. But she was out of work and would not go shopping. She procrastinates with everything. I didnt say anything until the last week (I had a coupon to get $15 off if you spent $50) when are you going and she kept putting it off everyday would be another day. It was to be today and instead of me keeping my mouth shut I`am starting the day with "when are you going shopping"? Its like I never learned anything all over again. I can`t stand myself when I`am like this. I feel like I failure. After all my hard work of minding my business.
What a wonderful and generous offer you made to your daughter! It is understandable that you have hopes and dreams for your daughter and granddaughter.
I can relate to being frozen with fear of not having enough money to buy my daughter new school clothes. I felt like a failure. I was frozen in most aspects of life. Accepting help and people being generous made me feel worse. At times, I got over my humiliation enough to accept some help so that my daughter would be ok.
I'm sure your daughter appreciates and loves you. If you feel you 'slipped' in your program, be easy on yourself for being human.
Not a failure ,minding our own business is a tough one especially with grandkids .. is it possible to have a grandma day and go shopping with her yourself , granddaughter i mean .. If your daughter says nO then let it go . Lousie also a grandma .
Hi Gran, sounds like you love your grandaughter allot! I have 7 kids and one grandaughter.
I can relate to your daughter...very well. My (bio) mom was very involved with my kids when they were younger. My family was ALL ABOUT "what the Jones' think", and being dressed was important.
My children's grandmother was VERY involved with them, and had her own ideas about how she wanted to spoil the kids. all good...except in my case...i did NOT want my children living like the rest of them. I just didn;t. I didn;t want them to watch commercials, and have Nike shoes. and, I wanted to provide for them within my own means, and let them feel pride in it ALL, not just because they could look like the other kids, but because they could look like themselve...packaging being of greatest unimportance.
But their grandmother would do it anyways. It made me feel disconnected from her and disrespected as a parent, and I was less likely to ask for help if I did need it, because she overreacted to everyting. She did not show confidence that i could provide for my own children, and really that's all i wanted.
I wanted to hear someone say..."I know you can do it...and if you need any help, you know where I am". That's it.
For me, that would have been the greatest support...just the open door.
You know, I like Buddhist sayings. They are clear, and precise. One saying is...(Dalai Lama?) "Do the footwork and let go of the results"...
This helps me now wth my own grandaughter. She is 4 and being raised by a nanny. Not my parenting preference let me tell you. My step daughter has TOO muc money, and NO TIMEfor her kid...and NO RELATIONSHIP. This maks me MENTAL. And I shut up and I shut up.
Principles before personalities for me...I need to do whatever to keep maximum relationship for my grandaughter. Leave the little things aside..
she needs my PRESENCE more than my PERESENTS :)
(AHA MOMENT!! Oooo...I love it when that happens lol...)
I get down on myself when I'm not perfect too. It's ok...we're allowed to be human :)
That is a hard lesson learning to mind our own side of the street especially when a child or grandchild's needs or wants are involved. I think reading your post that your being aware of your part is quite an acomplishment! Keep working it!
It is tough when it comes to kids. I turn into a fanatic!! My exH (not A) had an issue with his son that I just couldn't stand by and watch. I pushed and fought for what was right to the point of ruining my marriage.
Now, as a single Mom - that is the one area I let people help and where it was offered. My daughter's grandmother loves to take her clothes shopping and they LOVE to do it together. I can't stand to shop and often don't have the $$. It was a blessing. For her entire life this was special time between Grandmother and Grandaughter, which no one else in the family shares with my daughter. We are not well connected, so it was a blessing for both of them - and me too!
Just my experience.
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I have a really hard time not beating myself up, too. I don't think that my Higher Power wants me to beat myself up, though. Alcoholsim is a very difficult disease and I need my own compassion...the same compassion that I so easily give to others.
I love the story about a grandmother in the story section of the Al-Anon book, How Al-anon Works, I believe that is the right name. It's the dark blue book with light lettering on the cover. I think it's my favorite Al-Anon book.
I often remind myself when I'm feeling like "I should have got this by now", that I've been living with these behaviors of mine for 30-some-odd years. It's not going to change overnight. If I'm lucky, in another 30-some-odd years, maybe, just maybe I'll be a completely different and healthy person.
