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Well got that call, and guess what I did....nothing....nothing...nothing. My son got pulled over and arrested for a DUI....It just so happened that his cousin was driving by and they released his car to her and took him to the er to draw bloood, God I am wondering what else he is doing.
My first thought go get him, after a few minutes reality hit. No way, he caused it he can face the consequences. I am going to stick to this the whole way thru. If he has to pay a fine it's on him, if he has to go to court, it's on him.
Whatever this brings it's on him.....he has been going down a path of destruction and let's hope this is his bottom and he can find a way to climb out of it.
The police called and asked me to come get him I said no. His friends went to get him he is not home yet.....i told them for all i care they can take him to jail and let him sit there. I have found that enough is enough and i will not enable him to destroy himself. If he wants to do it on his own that's another story.
Do not get me wrong I love my son very very much however I will not help him or watch him destroy his life.......I have my program and I am going to keep my sanity by the grace of God.
I give him totally to God and a program which he must get in......of his own choice that is.
I know it's been said that God doesn't give us anymore than we can handle but dear god please no more.
ok he came home angry for course all my fault, I didn't run and get him and I said I woln't he said he has to pay for ard class i said that's on you. I said, I am not helping you thru this one bit. You own it all. He of course got angry and said I am leaving....I said there is the door but you will walk....he called a friend came and got him don't know where he is i have a pretty good idea.
I am ok with this, I mean my heart hurts however if I don't do this now later maybe too late. I am thinking about turning his cell phone off after all i pay for that too...will think on that some more...it's 7am haven't been to bed head hurts heart hurts and i am just sick of it all. It is time for zach to face the harsh reality of the real world and mommy is not coming to his rescue anymore. You want to play grown up games then you deal with the grown up consequences. Once again, please God let today be a better day. amen
With Hope and Prayers, Andrea
-- Edited by Andrea12 on Saturday 14th of August 2010 06:09:09 AM
I am so sorry this happened. But I am so proud of you for taking the stand you did. I can only hope & pray that this will be the wake up call he needs. Take a deep breath & know that Chuck would say the same thing. Tim did a similar thing with his son. Tough love is exactly that- tough. I hope you are able to get some rest this weekend. Snuggle close with your granddaughter. Take some extra special granddaughter therapy. Saying an extra prayer that all will be well with you & your son. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I'm so sorry for your pain, Andrea. We also have a son, a few years older than yours, and it's been one heartache after another. May God give you wisdom and strength and peace.
Andrea, well done, as Karilynn says tough love is tough.
Im sorry this is happening. I, sadly, relate all too well with your share with my A being my adult son.
I handed him full control of his disease a year ago now and he has had a very rough time with a very low bottom, almost death. At the moment he is six weeks 'dry' in rehab. Always have hope.
HUGS Andrea, I know all too well what it is like having a child who is addicted not only to alcohol to just about anything else. There comes a point in our lives when we have to take care of ourselves. We have given them the tools they need to survive. Whether or not they use those tools is entirely up to them. Giving them the dignity to grow up and take care of themselves is the greatest gift we can give them.
My son has said more than once that the best thing a parent can do for a child in addiction is absolutely NOTHING. He has also told me that he has heard people share in meetings that they got absolutely nowhere until their parents stopped. SO I quit. My son struggles but he's not the only one that struggles with his disease.
I thank my higher power every day for the wonderful world of Al-Anon. Without my program I would be the one in the psyche ward. I had reached a point where I had two choices, the psyche ward or al-anon. I chose al-anon because it is cheaper and they let you leave when you want to. LOL That was six years ago and I still go to three meetings a week and speak when asked. I can always depend on my 12 step family to be there for me if I need guidance and that is something I cannot put a price on.
Hang tough and remember if someone always ties your shoes for you then you will never learn how to tie them yourself.
In recovery Barb
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this but so glad you have the tools of the program and know how to use them. I'll pray that Zach learns what he can from his HP and that you can stay close to yours while you use your tools. You've done so well to stay out of the way of the lessons he can learn.
A small story. I learned the other day my son got a speeding ticket because a notice came to my home. I was shocked. Why didn't he tell me? I called him and asked. He said, first I didn't want to upset you, second, I wanted to take care of it myself. It's my mistake, you would have jumped in to try and fix it and we both know that's not right. I had previously shared with my son that one of my character defects that did not help his Dad was that I am quick to fix problems for those I love. So it looks like he heard me. So did my HP. I know a ticket for speeding isn't anywhere near as frightening as a DUI, I hope with the grace of God, if such a thing was to happen, I'll be able to stand back and let him stay close to his HP as you have done Andrea.
Andrea: I work with a young man (20) who had a DUI. He got his parents, grandmother and whoever to help pay his fine. He is still drinking and driving and has a suspended license. He learned nothing. He does not see anything wrong with it.
I am so proud of you. I am so glad you are making a stand. Your son knows already what alcoholism and drug addiction did. Peer pressure is enormous and going out and having a good time seems to include some measure of reckless behavior. I am so very impressed you are making sure he faces the consequences.
More parents should have your courage. This is not a spouse parent or friend. This is your son who was put in your care to love and guide.
You still may have a bumpy road as his Mother but know what you did was the right thing for your life and his. In the end he will be grateful that he has a Mother like you.
((((((Andrea)))))) you could have added and another thing I've got a world wide fellowship and MIP who have got my back...so there!! LOL
I have to be honest ...when I first got to Al-Anon and heard other members talk like you have here my first reaction was "you're crazy" and then my second was, "How in the hell do you do that?", My third was "I wanna do that too!!" and finally what I did asked was "Teach me!!".
When the student is ready the teacher arrives. Thanks so much for the share on having the courage to change and working it working it working it.
You come to learn that the headaches get less and less with practice. ((((hugs))))
I hope you don't mind me sharing that at the time you got the call about your son you along with me and four other members were in the chat room laughing and having a good time.
It was a tremendous lesson for me (ES&H) as I watched your thought process being written during a three minute period. Even thought you stated you were shaking, your never wavered or had second thoughts. You were firm in your statements. Knew exactly how you were going handle the situation, by letting your son suffer the consequences of his own choices without any interference from his Mom. You said there would be no enabling on your part and that would be the best thing you could do for your son. All the members in the chat room at the time agreed with you 100%.
Andrea most members know your story and what you have gone through during the last couple of years. Watching you from a distance early this morning only reinforces my faith in the program and how it works if you work it.....which is exactly what I was privileged to see you do first hand.
You did the next right thing without hesitation. I admire your strength. God bless.
I am a mother with too much experience to list here.
My son got DUI's and always either caught a break from the police, and to my shame I helped him with one, I paid the fine, the DUI school, and the lawyer that represented him. BIG mistake!
He didn't learn one thing from it, nor did he appreciate the help, all it did was make him think he would always wiggle out of it because I was so desperate to HELP him get on the right path. All I did was to reinfore bad behavior and make me look like a push over that he could not have any respect for. I was blinded to this because I was desperate to keep him out of trouble thinking that he would come to his right mind and change his ways.
Well, years later he still hasn't learned his bad behavior causes bad consequences, but I am learning not to enable him and it's the hardest thing I have ever done. I just got off the phone with him calling wanted money from me, I said no.
You have done the right thing. How else will they ever know if you touch the stove you will get burned if we put our hands under theirs and let the stove burn us instead.
You got your game on girl!! It's awesome that you are taking this stance from the get-go. Even though it's tough, in the long run I think it is less stress to say "it's all yours", not mine. You aren't worrying how to pay for it, what will you do if this or that happens. No matter what, this too shall pass and it's going to pass with you looking on from a distance instead of being all enmeshed in the drama. Nice!!
love you! Christy
P.S. My son got a pretty hefty speeding ticket while making a 14 hr. trip. After listening to the whole story (I think he was preparing me for the cost), I said "Man, sucks to be you buddy!!" ..lol End of conversation.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank you all so much for the support....you are all so wonderful to me and I thank you.
Last night when this phone call came we had a nice room chat going on....you all listened, didn't judge and supported me and I thank you!!!!!!
MIP is a marvelous and life saving tool that I love. There is so much hope, wisdom and support in these rooms than I have ever seen in alanon or aa or na.
Thank you all for the words of wisdom....without this program I would have not been able to handle my son's dui as i did.
He was shocked that I didn't come running to his rescue and I told him in that situation I never will.
I can only pray this was a wake up call!!!!!!!!!! Let Go and Let God
With Hope, Andra
-- Edited by Andrea12 on Saturday 14th of August 2010 11:10:42 PM
Thank you for sharing, Andrea. My prayers and love to you. As the mother of three, the oldest being 17, all is well today. Today. I take your story and put it in my toolbelt because I know all too well that only for the Grace of God go I.
Stay strong and keep sharing. It is so wonderful that MIP is here for you and for all of us.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Wow, what work you are doing! I only hope I can do the same if my boyfriend ever has a bad thing happen again. He had a DUI last February and I detached with love at the time. This Friday is his court date. Court is usually a trigger for him. I will probably try to relate to his being scared by being understanding of his feelings for the date, but not help him project. So hard. And what a great example you are. Some one said in AA that if their parents had carried them one more time, it would have killed them. Maybe this was the time your son needed to begin to carry himself... (((HUGS)))
