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Hello friends, I went to my first meeting last night. Stange experience for me. I spent 10 years in AA knowing I wasn't an alcoholic (staying sober wasn't so hard lol) but I firgured I had had some bad experiences drinking, my family were all lunatics...I MUST BE an alcoholic, so I didnt try anything more and just got sober. I thought it would be hard on my ego to be a newcomer, but nope. I was quite happy to do what i was told, even if other members who new me from before looked at me a little quizically when I went into the newcomers briefing. I don't want to assume anythingm because I want EVERYTHING this program can give.
So, I went to my first ALANON meeting, but there were AA members there. I did not feel the need to explain, but did mention I had been in AA and I did not want my anonymity broken in any way. You could see some shifting in the seats, but it all worked out.
I was so darned angry I could barely get words out. Someone in this group suggested I start sharing. I REALLY didn;t feel like it, so said that. Said I was mad and scared and all that stuff.
Most of those people had active alcoholics in thier daily lives. The issues I am facing are OLD...and I don't relate to "wanting to control" the alcoholics drinking. I really don't. I was young when all of it happened, so the thought of being able to CONTROL anything was complerely foreign. I was taught I had NO control.
About my sister's drinking... I couldn;t care less...in fact yesterday through clenched teeth at the end of the meeting I told the greeter that, and told her I needed literature that I could relate to, cause all these people telling me about my "control issues" over the drinker made me feel unheard. That I hoped she drank herself to death. This sounds so harsh...blech.
Anyways, I'm mental right now...and I accept this lol.
But I did a good thing. after the meeting, I cried and really was heavy hearted, feeling a heavier not lighter burden because I had not spoken to anyone. I came home and my husband was here, having a beer (didnt bother me) and playing guitar.
He kept saying I could talk to him...but in the past year and a half all of the events leading up to this, I have been such a DRAG. Alwayds sad, depressions, bi-polar, crap. I know I need to find other forms of support than him, but let me tell you, telling him stuff and how it really made me feel...was such a relief.
I had never said this stuff out loud. It felt like we were friends, and not just husband and wife. Our marriage has been strained lately. I came pretty close to having an affair, and although i told him before, and we are working it out, last night I firgured out that I need men who are NEEDY. And he isn;t...any more. He was in the beginning (I met him in AA). Our problems started when he stopped being unhealthy and needy. The man I wasconsidering for an affair...way needy. Hmmm...,.makes ya think. But, I am glad I am in a marriage where I can be honest like that. I dont think I would do well in another kind of relationship.
After saying just a few things (of course one memory brings more...and we can't deal with everything in one night), but I felt like a space inside of me had opened up. Just SAYING something, not even DOING anything about it.
But then again...what the heck can you do about things in your past? The ONLY possible course of action is ACCEPTANCE.
I believe that 12 step programs are the best tool for teaching me this important and frequently evasive concept. But...really...it is the ONLY answer if i want to live happily, right? If you find an alternative that is easier...be sure to let me know ASAP and save me allot of hard work:)
And on the topic of HAPPY, a while back i had bought "The Art of Happiness", by the Dalai Lama. He believes that if we REALLY want to be "good people" and be of service in our lives, that we have an OBLIGATION to be happy, because HAPPY can have so many important positive effects on us and the world around us. He cites scientific studies and spiritual concepts.
This made sense to me last night. I have been trying to read this bloody book for 5 months now...but all of a sudden, it made sense. In fact, all of a sudden, I WANTED to be happy. Wow...this is very cool.
most of all... I want that one day, I can be reliable to MYSELF. That i wont worry all the time that I will have some unbidden emotion come and rip my day apart, or some event that may seem minor to the rest of the world, but because of my history, has a different effect on me, and I usually dont know why and I react differently than others. It's not that I want to be "normal" ( a desire I have cited my whole life...but now see is futile and never gonna happen...and that's good. I'm fine the way i am, and normal is boring lol).
This stuff, happening now, will give me an understanding of why I act and react the way I do. As long as I remember that i have no POWER (step 1) over any of it. ALl I can do is observe it, like on a movie screen. Put my gavel away, and just try and be objective when the memories come.
One minute at a time friends. I am looking forward to my meeting next week, and will continue on with this amazing group of friends, like blind people trying to find our way through a crowded forest :)...I am finding it much less painful with the blinders off.
Rainbojo good for you !!! So good to read your post and so good to hear your feeling better...and put the gun down lol...i relate as well........thanks and keep working it :)
That is fantastic! What great awareness and at your first meeting! I remember getting that first idea of what the possibilities were in the program and that really lit my fire and it hasn't gone out since. I love to continue to grow each day, learn more about myself and others . . . and be happy. That is a good book, I recommend it's completion.
I am so happy for you, really. I remember being right where you are and how much just the prospect of relief, growth, and understanding changed my outlook.
If you think talking with your husband was liberating, wait for your 5th step!!!
You go!! I am just thrilled for you. Hard work ahead, but it is going to be so worth it. I hope you keep coming and sharing with us during the process.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Aloha Jo...Wow an opening!! a gaping hole and tearing away of the veil...good your Jo!! The closing to the meeting might have said, "If you keep and open mind you will find help." Practice that one daily cause it will cause you to grow so much. I read your story and like knowing my own I can see how your HP manipulated and directed you on this path including the time in AA. That is close also to how my HP did it for me with a different consequence. 9 years in Al-Anon and then starting AA after finally doing an assessment. I am qualified for both programs and competely grateful. I have no desire (I hope) to fix another alcoholic (denial lives in the subconscious) or marry one for that reason and I have no desire to drink by myself for all the old reasons I used to justify it and then deny the obvious.
I am grateful you are here. My recovery is more assured as others come into the room of MIP.
Many of us detach with anger as a way to protect ourselves. My younger sister is a classic alcoholic. I've been angry at her for years. As I work a program I'm less angry and more able to see how ill she really is.
