The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to Alanon face to face meeting once a week in the last five weeks, I don't know how people can go to meetings so many times because I just could not do it, at least, at the moment. Every time when I go to Alanon meetings,
if I am not sad before the meeting, then I will be most likely sad after the meeting as I expose my emotions there and could not deal with the overwhelming sadness coming out from my sharing (I don't usually get some comfort from people after the meetings even after I cry in the meeting, I feel quite hurt sometimes that the coldness people show there after the meetings);
if I am sad before the meeting, then I sometimes get even more emotional afterwards, as I hear other people sharing about their horrible problems and I feel that I am not the worse case. I don't know, why I feel this way, I heard some wonderful recovery stories at MIP but at those face to face meetings I went, it just seems like that everyone just throws their sadness into the room and somehow I feel that people compare with each other about which one is the more miserable one instead of focusing the positive.
I know I don't have much options left for my recovery, I really hope Alanon will work for me, I bought all the literatures. I haven't had a sponsor, as I don't know people well in my face to face meetings and I don't know who to ask to sponsor me.
Sorry for my bitterness towards the face to face meetings, I feel much more comfortable here at MIP than in my face to face meetings.
I'm sorry you haven't had a comfortable experience with face to face meetings. I'm not sure from your post if you're uncomfortable because you don't feel that you are clicking with the others in the meeting, or if you are just in a bad place at this time and being in the meetings is just generally uncomfortable. I want to comment to both - if I have misunderstood you, just disregard.
If you don't feel that you click with the others in the meeting - is there another group in your area that you could try? Different groups have different dynamics. I really really did not like the first group I tried. I only went to one meeting there, in fact, and then I didn't go back to Alanon for a year and a half. The second group I tried is now my home group and I love it dearly. I wish I'd tried another group back when I first tried Alanon, because I missed a year and a half of recovery! :)
If you're just generally uncomfortable, I think it may be normal. Not everyone goes into their first few Alanon meetings and comes out feeling happy. I don't know where you are at in your recovery. When I first started to recover, I had a lot of grief to work through. It takes time, effort, and tears to do that. Although the feelings are uncomfortable, it is so much healthier to feel them, to recognize that it is okay to feel sad, and to take as much time as you need to process the emotions.
As far as getting a sponsor - I just asked a woman in my group that seemed to have the peace that I wanted. She had been in recovery for years and I could see that she worked a solid program. She was peaceful and I wasn't. I wanted what she had, so I asked her to sponsor me.
Hope this helps some. I can relate to being very sad and discouraged. Making a gratitude list at the end of each day helps me immensely. When I do this, I am able to see that, as bad as things may be, not everything is bad.
Aloha Ada - so sorry to hear you're not feeling welcomed at your meeting.
The unfortunate thing with this program is that just like all human beings, there are meetings out there that aren't necessarily healthy, either. This is why it's a great idea to try out several different meetings in your area if they're available. There really can be a big difference between them. There may be one your feel awkward at, and then another where you feel completely comfortable and acknowledged.
Please keep on looking, and at the very least, you do have MIP to fall back on.
Aloha Ada what you're going thru is normal for a "newbie". I went thru some of the same stuff my self and over time learned that it was because I was taking the "old me" into the rooms before discovering the "new me". Sounds like you have made some self discoveries already; the constant sadnesses and negativity and such...again considering from where you are coming that's normal. It is what you know for now and in time you will hear, learn and practice more and different. Re-read the closing statement of your meetings that center around "If you keep and open mind you will find help. You will learn..." It takes time and everyone is different plus none of us is perfect and no one receives "recovery" trophies for progress. We get our peace of mind and serenity back along with our smiles. Leave your sadness and pain in the rooms...don't bring that back out with you to take back home...leave it there and with your Higher Power.
Here is a little mindset that might help...Build yourself an attitude of gratitude for the good stuff in your life no matter how small or insignificant and when you have the time put that down into lists for the day. Next day build on that again and then see what happens to Ada. Keep coming back here cause there is much love and acceptance for Ada here. ((((Hugs))))
I understand that with a very busy life, attending regular meetings may feel too difficult. I searched around to find lunch time meetings, brought my lunch and that helped. I also see that you find the meetings depressing and upsetting. I do know that I have felt that way most of my life. I was always taking on other people 's feelings . I would be feeling more depressed because they were sad, and then because I was feeling so bad I would have to "Fix" them in order for me to feel better.
I did not know how to let people be sad, angry, upset without having to fix it for them . I was too uncompfortable with feelings.
Alanon meetings taught me different I was welcomed to the meetings, suggested that I share from my heart, there would be no advise given, no cross talk and that I could listen and learn.
What a gift!!!!. I finally learned to express my own feelings, feel better because I had done that. I also learned to let others express their feelings WITHOUT FEELING BAD or TRYING to FIX them/IT.
Jerry's suggestion of making a gratitude list each day to focus on the good in your life and the suggeston that you share the positive in a meeting was excellent.
PLease keep looking for an acceptable meeting you are worth it.
you say u bought all the literature do u read it ? our daily reader * ODAT * is full of hope and recovery for us every page has a solution if were looking for one ..Use the index at the back of the book , identify what your feeling find it in the index and read every page listed behind the topic one of them will have a solution to your dilema .Read it and work it to the best of your ability and life will get better. If your not finding what u need in the meeting u go to now find another one , go with an open mind and focus on the similarities not the differences .. You may have chosen a meeting with alot of new commers find one with old timmers they have been where your at . This board and room are great but u miss so much by not attending f2f meetings , I personally need eye to eye contact it keeps me honest and the hugs I have found to be healing , we tend to build walls around us before we start to recover our body language often tells people to stay away without saying a word . reach out if anyone goes for coffee after the meeting go with them its agreat way to get to know people . It was also suggested to me that I go to the meeting where I felt the most Uncomfortable , lady said that is where I will learn the most . I hate to admit it but she was right they were not talking about what I wanted to hear but they were sharring what I needed to hear . go figure
-- Edited by abbyal on Tuesday 10th of August 2010 12:51:35 PM
Your post reminded me of the feeling I had when I first started going to meetings (I've only been to 8 meetings so far). I wasn't comfortable at most meetings because I now think that not only I wasn't ready to listen and learn (and take what you like and leave the rest), those meetings weren't for me.
After I posted about my confusion/resistance of Alanon here and read wonderful responses, I started to feel more relax about myself. Since then, I've only been to one meeting due to my health issue but the way I felt at this meeting was amazing. I felt really comfortable. Suppose I liked the meeting anyway but the support I received here on the message board played an important part of the beginning of my recovery.
I've got now two meetings a week and I am quite happy like that at the moment and it seems to be working. I now can say that I am ready to take on this journey to my recovery.
I really do hope you find meetings that you like sooner than later.
Thank you for your post, Ada. Your post and those wonderful responses to you made me feel stronger.
Ada Hi...think about joining us on line here for some meetings as well, they are twice a day. As someone mentioned the dynamics of every meeting are different. For a long while I just attended on line meetings and they really helped me and continue to. I remember the first meeting I attended, I did not feel welcome, no one talked to me before or after and I did not go back. I did however check out other meetings and thankfully I listened to that suggestion. Glad your here and thanks :) I had to add to this post here after I submitted it lol...remembering this experience someone did talk to me...i headed to the table with the pamplets on it after the meeting and a woman came over and began asking me "are u sure u belong here" "are you writing a paper?" and continued to want confirmation that I belonged there. I was floored and the look on my face Im not exactly sure what it looked like, but all i could say was.." No, I was just driving around with nothing to do on a Saturday night and decided to stop in and check out a meeting, are you serious?" I really was offended, drilling me on "if I belonged here"....i just found another meeting in time :)
-- Edited by DreamXL on Tuesday 10th of August 2010 08:14:42 AM
(((Ada))) You received several good ideas. I just wanted you to know that I undertand the difficulty of finding "the group". Some meetings are better than others. I wish you could attend the one that I go to. I always leave in such a better frame of mind and actually feel washed clean. But I will add, the first Alanon meetings I went to (different town) I left feeling much as you describe. After 6 months, I left and didn't go back. After a break, I started going to the one I go to now and I feel like I found home. My only regret, was the break in between where I had no support and my life showed it. Keep trying, looking, searching - you will find a group that fits you.
Well you are certainly welcome to join us at our online meetings Sometimes they are sad too. We come in here broken and hurt reaching out for help. I don't like comparing my circumstances to that of others... everyone there and here are or have been in incredible pain due to this disease. Although I am the mother of an A I would never say I am sufferring more than someone with a spouse or other family member who is an A especially if young children are involved Please join us here Blessings
I too had some problems with a certain meeting I went to. Luckily I have found several others that work for me! I am not saying that every meeting will be full of joy and hope, but there will be some people sharing joy and hope. I hope you can find a different meeting, and keep coming back!
they were not talking about what I wanted to hear but they were sharring what I needed to hear . go figure