The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been writing many times before here about how I entered Al-Anon, first while still dating a girl in England that is an alcoholic in recovery. She broke up with me just over three months ago and since then we have had little contact. While she was doing the steps she was advised by the sponsor she had then to not have close contact with any men, including me. Al-Anon gave me the strength to stay away. She said that she hoped we could be friends when she finished her step work. The weeks went by and I did not hear from her.
I study in England, but went home to Norway in the beginning of July without talking to her. Last Monday I felt that I was ready to make contact with her; even though I had promised myself many times that I should not contact me unless she contacted me first. I wrote about stuff I had done during the summer so far and asked how she was.
She answered a few days later, saying that she was waiting to hear from me before she would have any contact. She wrote that she now has a new boyfriend and that she would understand if I find it too hard to have contact with her. Her new boyfriend is ironically enough the brother of the sponsor that said my ex-girlfriend should not have contact with me. All I know about him is that he is just out of jail (I dont know for what), and that my ex-girlfriend spoke warm about him last time I spoke to her. Not surprisingly she had to find another sponsor.
When I first read this e-mail I reacted exactly the same way I did last summer, when I was dating her and she phoned me one morning and said she had slept with another man. My hands were shaking, so much out of control that I had problems picking up a glass to drink some water. I could see the madness, but it was so hard to control. I was shocked that I still, after so much time and work on myself, would be so affected by her life.
I did not sleep much that night. I started writing, first very fast and angry, but then more and more I managed to turn the situation. I wrote down what had happened and what this means if I stay in contact with her. I dont know her new boyfriend, and I cant judge him or her. She is free to live her own life.
I knew that if I wanted to keep in touch with her, I have to accept the way things are. I cannot control her. If I try, I know from experience that the situation for both she and I just get worse.
I saw that I had two options. I was going to reply to her e-mail, but I wanted to make sure that I made the right decision. This meant more writing.
I thought first that I could not have any contact with her. I still have to live almost next door to her next year and probably see her several times. I would so easily be bitter, I would miss her and I fear that my obsession would grow. I have a feeling that setting boundaries is good, but total block can work against its purpose.
My other option was to be open for contact with her. I know that this can mean that I have to live with the fact that she put another man higher than me. He will probably sleep in the bed that I bought for her (I got to sleep there one night). I might have to see them together, hand in hand or maybe kissing. It will be hard, no doubt. But she has a free will and I try not to think that she has chosen him over me. People are different. Maybe we didnt fit, it does not mean that I am worth less.
I decided to write back and say that I still want us to have contact and wrote some more about my summer. I still love her and think she is a good girl. We have so much history together. I dont want to stop all contact unless I have to. The memories about when we were dating will always be with me. Her new boyfriend cant take them. He can get his own ones J
I still see a very good friend in my ex-girlfriend and hope that things between us can be on a moderate level. She has not replied to my e-mail, but in a way this might be good. I need time to get used to this. When I do stay away from interfering with her life, I feel proud of myself. She doesnt know it, but I have never felt that I have been doing more for her than now. And this is just a bonus of me looking after myself.
All in all I think that I can make this. I will need Al-Anon, my HP and to keep working the program.
I have one fear in all this, but it belongs to the future, so I will do my best to not use any energy on it. It is if things dont work out between her and her new boyfriend. If she is like she used to be, she would easily come to me. I know today that I dont want to be in a relationship with her, but I dont fully trust myself yet.
Thank you all for being here.
Are
__________________
If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
Glad you are here. In my case, even though I knew it was best to end contact, I held on to the hope that I could maintain contact and I would be ok. I was kidding myself. It was impossible to do what was best for me and remain in contact. I found myself thinking of almost nothing else (obsession), wondering what he was doing, wondering when he would call, wondering how he was, if he was with someone else... the list goes on. It was making me crazy, and I certainly wasn't working the program. I could not think clearly or sanely until I established some space.
I recently shared here about starting to miss him and began thinking about making contact again. Aloha Jerry shared that it was a relapse (on my part) waiting to happen. I am grateful for that share, as it was a lightbulb that went off for me. He was exactly right. When I am in obsessive thinking, I am not working my program and I am on that slippery slope that could lead me back to where I started- rock bottom- settling for pain and misery. I sure don't want to be down there again.
You are worth more than settling for some "friendship" in hopes that someday she will come back to you.
Thanks for sharing your process. I can see you definately have used your tools wisely in making the decision. You did not react and have grown so from the process. Pleae keep living one dy at a time,doing your lists and believe that more will be revealed as you grow and travel the road to your future. No need to worry
Thanks for sharing the update. One thing I know is that, whether or not you maintain some form of contact, you have great chances of your interactions with your ex GF or others being even better with the tools of alanon under your belt. Keeping working it!
That "same old" reaction is the sign that the compulsion and obsession is still riding up at the top of everything. I went thru that myself until I completely surrendered to my HP and the program and followed my own sponsors suggestions. I couldn't do it alone without doing it the old way period. Even thinking of her as a friend was messed up. I didn't know what that mean't because my behavior was about enabling and controlling and manipulating so I could get what I wanted. We got back together for a while and then I didn't need any more proof that I needed serious help for myself and that is what recovery is about. When I stepped back and took a long look at the relationship I had with my alcoholic and ALL of those things that were blended into it I had to admit that it wasn't really anywhere near the kind of life I desired. I needed my needs met and tried to have that done using an alcoholic. Ugh. We both got soooo sick. Keep coming back, Are. It works when you work it.
It makes me think. You clearly see different things. I know that this is risky, but I have so much faith in following the program, that I really believe it could work.
I have many good reasons for not wanting to get back with my ex-girlfriend. First of all, she has dumped me twice in similar ways. Last time, she said that if we stayed together or got back together later, she would still fall in love with others because that is how she is. It would not be easy for me to trust her again, so I would easily step into being controlling again.
No. Not a girlfriend, but I still like her. I know that she never intended to hurt me, and I also know that if I do manage to keep my focus in the right place, she won't be able to hurt me like that again; even if she don't grow up.
I still see it like she wasn't really grown up. She is 34 years old, but is (or at least used to be) as unpredictable as a teenager when it came to relationships. When I was with her, I think I ignored half of her personality. I constantly hoped that she would change and I probably did everything I could to change her.
I have sometimes after joining Al-Anon been thinking that it would be better if I joined Al-Anon earlier, or at least got a new chance now, when I see much more of what went wrong. This is a dangerous thought where an obsession easily can grow from.
I did get the old reaction when I heard from her again, but was able to calm down in relatively short time. I went to a meeting last night, wich was really good. There was a lady there that said that she had bad experience with keeping in touch with ex'es, but she would not advice me not to give it a try.
I will keep working the program on this, but be careful so I don't actively hold this up in the air. There is already long periods where I don't think much of my ex-girlfriend at all. It is good to know that I have done my best, so that I can relax. I write my lists and look for repetitions in my fears lists. This is when I am stuck and need to work on it.
Thank you all for being here. I see both encouragement and warnings from reading your mails. I will bear them all in mind. I am only human
Are
__________________
If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
((cosmos)) thank you for your update...i had been following your posts as well. I am glad to hear you are doing well and you got a lot of really great responses to your post filled with tons of esh :) thats what its all about right :) I could completely be off here but what I sense is that somewhere in your mind you feel as if you had found alanon earlier when you were involved with this woman that the relationship may have worked. Now that you are in alanon and gaining so much awareness and see yourself changing that if you had another chance maybe it would work??? again, i have just sensed this from previous posts of yours and could be completely off. Either way ..one thing is for sure. Nothing would have been different in the way she treated you, what may have been different is the toleration levels for you. Whether you were in alanon or not you would have received the same call, saying she slept with another man, and all of the things that occured between you. I know that I had entertained that very thought once I got some tools under my belt and awareness and thought, if I only knew then what I know now ..then..For me, this was just another misconception of the power of control I had over people....No amount of recovery on my part will change anothers behavior , thinking or thoughts...it will only change me. Just a thought :) thanks for your post..and blessings.
You hit the nail on the head Dream XL. I have been easily fooled to think over and over again that things could have been different if I went into Al-Anon earlier. I am not so sure that she would act exactly the same if I did. I know that even though we cant control other people, we still influence the ones we spend time with. I have for example seen a remarkable change in the behaviours of my parents this summer. I havent pushed anything on them or tried to change them, but they say that my good mood (which is new) is contagious. I think that might be true, the same way that negative thinking is contagious.
I am however very aware of the danger of trying to change people. I have burnt my hand so many times. That does not mean that I wont do that mistake again. Awareness is good, but far from enough. Acceptance and action is needed too.
I got a very short e-mail from my ex-girlfriend today. She said that the relationship with this new guy didnt work out. I dont know her intentions of telling me this, and I wont question it. If my HP is with me, I will not let this change how I think about her.
The only way I could consider going back with her would be if she changed. It would still be very hard for me to trust her, and I dont think of her the same way as I did. I used to think that I could not live without her. I now know that this is not the case. I have been feeling overall much better since the breakup. I dont think this is because of it, but despite of it.
Right now Im going to try to ease down on the whole thing. I wont let an old obsession of a relationship be replaced by a new obsession about a friendship. I cant forget where Im at. Im happy to say that I have had a most productive day. I have worked on my studies and done my exercise and feel good.
I am very grateful for your insight Dream XL. You have helped me many times before.
Are
__________________
If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
shared that it was a relapse (on my part) waiting to happen. I am grateful for that share, as it was a lightbulb that went off for me. He was exactly right. When I am in obsessive thinking, I am not working my program and I am on that slippery slope that could lead me back to where I started- rock bottom- settling for pain and misery. I sure don't want to be down there again.