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So, it has been 2 weeks since he pcked a suitcase and I still do not know where he is. He has called a few times (the first time was after being gone a week) but I did not answer as I am very angry and hurt and not ready to talk to him. The last message was on Thursday and he said he did not know what to say but he hopes that I am ok and he is fine and that he misses me. I sent him a text telling him that I was ok but very hurt, angry, confused and not sure what to think about things. I told him that I missed him too and hope he is ok. I then decided to call him that night. I told him that O got his message and like him, I did not know what to say. I told him I ws very hurt and angry and did not know what to think about us or if there is even an "us" anymore. I told him that I missed him and loved him very much and I hope that he is ok and I hope to talk to him soon. I have not heard from him since. It kills me not knowing where he is but I am concerned about where he MIGHT be. The last time he stayed between a hotel and a friend of his brother's , Sharon's house. He was trying to keep busy by fixing things that his brother messed up. Stayed on their couch a couple of nights. Said he hated going back to the hotel--it was lonely. when he came back for a week we talked alot and he said it was the worst week of his life and he never wants to go through that again. We decided to talk about things before they built up. But here we are again by his choice of just up and leaving without an explanation. He still had some things to fix there so I am thinking that is where he is, but not sure. Not the best environment for him. I don't think there is anything romantic going on (at least I hope not). He has always been big on being faithful but I don't even know if we are still a couple. All of his things are still at the house except for the suitcase he packed. Whenever everyone is there, there is always drinking and it is acceptable for them. I am just a nag. So, not sure if I should call again or just let him be. I have being in limbo and it is so not fair. Weekend was horrible and I am not eating or sleeping and I am afraid of what this will do to me if it continues. I believe he is struggling with something internally and will not talk about it. I told him how I felt in the last message so should I just let him be? Please help.
I know what you are going through. My husband goes for weeks and months at a time and does not call to check on us. He would rather stay high. It is no fun to be a husband and a father for him. It throws us into this emotional wreckage because here we are, supposed to be married for God's sake, and they go and do something like not calling, leaving with no explanation. I deal with my anger issues. I would suggest, as I know how hard it would be, is to not contact him. That is what I am going thru. It hurts, but if I have to beg and plead for him to be a decent husband to me, that is just demeaning me. He is a grown man. I am tired of making excuses for him. For me it has become life or death because if I don't stop focusing on him and what he is doing, it will distract me from the most important things in my life like my health, taking care of the children, going to school, etc. Al Anon helps to take the focus off of him and put it on ourselves and taking care of ourselves because I have become pretty sick in the process of trying to control his behavior and I have become sick from my allowing him to manipulate me. I don't know if you believe in God, but I do, and I have laid my husband into his hands, and I just need to get out of the way. Easier said than done. Take care, hope things get better for you, they will, just keep coming back--this has helped me tremendously.
It's difficult to readjust how we think and to DO for ourselves. If you go back and read your post it is all about HIM. There is absolutely nothing you can do about where he is, what he does, or what he thinks. There is much you can do about you and that which you do have control of. Are you attending Alanon meetings? Nothing will change until you change it. We tend to allow this disease to take over and get lost in it. The bottom line is that no one ever gets free of the disease by worrying about their alcoholic. Freedom is an inside job but there is a worldwide community of support to help you find that freedom.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank you for the suggestions. It makes me feel not so alone. He called today at work but I will not answer work phone and get into anything while there. He then called my cell which I shut off and all I got on the message was "hey". whether that is all he said or he thought he left more, I do not know. Andit ws too little for me to tell if he had been drinking.
We have a saying is Al-Anon....Always Take Care Of Yourself First. Your husband is doing what he is going to do. All your worrying and concern is only taking away from your well being. As Kath and Cristy suggested put the focus on yourself...where it belongs....this board is great with tons of experience, strength, and hope.... but nothing can replace face 2 face Al-Anon meetings....that's another place you belong and where you will find the help and support you need.
You can ask yourself what good can it do your serenity to answer the phone. He left to fix himself...that's his job. He and his HP can work that out between themselves. Start taking care of Deb....that is the only thing you have any control over, and the only thing that is important....you have a life also. Alcoholism is a selfish disease...it's a taker.... never a giver....if you allow it, the disease will take over your mind body and spirit just as it has already done to your husband.
Remember there is no law in any of the 50 states or for that matter anywhere in the world that requires you to answer your phone when it rings.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 9th of August 2010 01:09:45 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 9th of August 2010 01:18:55 PM
There comes a time when we ( do nothing ) just be , let life play out the way its supposed to .. you have said how u feel the rest is up to him. I always forgot that the alcoholic in my life had a Higher Power too and he would take him where he needed to go . Louise
So, he called back and left a longer message. Still not sure if he is drinking. He said "I guess you are still not answering my calls or returning my calls and........I don't know......I guess you don't want to talk and that's fine. Have A Good Day. Bye". There was no "I Miss You" this time. He sounded a little annoyed but not my problem. He chose to up and leave without an explanation and wait a week before he returned MY call. I am not sure that I am ready to talk yet. I am so afraid that I will cave and let him come back. And I know that would not be a smart thing to do. However, my heart is taking over what my head is saying. I am wondering if wherever he is staying is getting old. Not sure because I do not know where he is. Maybe he needs to live in his truck for awhile to realize what he gave up by leaving. And I don't even know if that would be enough for him.
Please, please try to focus on yourself and what YOU want and NEED. He is going to do and say whtever it takes, you must learn to respond from your strength and compassion (for yourself).
Nothing you say or do will change him Your actions, attending alanon metings, prayer, living one day at a time, working the steps will change you, your needs your desires and your actions.
Please keep coming back and learn to focus on yourself
Thank you HotRod. I am really, really trying to listen to my head instead of my heart. Going to try to go to a f2f meeting tonight. I attempted on Saturday and could not go in. But I will try my best to get in there tonight so I can start to work on myself.
I pray for strength and courage for you. I've been where you are, and, I know it's hard. My AH has left before. In fact, he's out of our home right now - just up and moved out about a month ago. Even though he's eight months sober, he's still very sick. However, the difference now is that his disease is not the most important thing in my life.
You HAVE to take care of you. That's really all you can do. You have no control over him and what he does and whether or not he gets sober. I was practically insane before I figured that out.
Try again to go to a face 2 face meeting. This program and my Higher Power has truly restored my sanity.
Thank you stop. I just hate being in limbo. He just packed a suitcase and left so I don't think his intention was to move out although I do not know what he is thinking now. He has called quite a bit but I have not spoken with him. He was gone a week before I got the first phone call. In the message yesterday he sounded very discouraged and said "I guess you do not want to talk and that's fine-Have A Good Day". He needs to realize that up and leaving is not the way to handle things when you are in a relationship. This is all new for the past two months and I never made a big deal out of it. It was a day here and there. last time was a week and we talked deeply and I did not expect this again. My thoughts are that he is unhappy with himself and does not know how to deal. On top of that, I laid into him about a few things and that was the night he did not come home. I know he is confused and struggling so I do not know if that has something to do with all this. I am hurt, angry and confused, but mostly angry thinking about where he might be.
I went thru 26 years of not knowing where the XAH was, many nites he didnt come home. Would dissapear for days at a time. A couple of times, I reported it to the police. Only to protect myself and innocent people. My x would just dissapear no phone calls , no nothing. Thanks to Alanon I eventually could continue with my life, fall asleep and generally not worry about where he was and what he was doing. Obviously he was not concerned about me and what I was doing. He had other priorities, such as staying in his truck for days drinking himself into a stupor. He was a very busy boy. Over the years it got progressively worse, he was falling out of his truck injuring himself many times and has been in every ER room in the valley. The point here dare is that our lives will become so much better if we take the focus off of them and put it where it belongs, on ourselves. There going to do what their disease dictates. That doesnt mean we have to take on their disease and the responsibility of it. All their energies go into the daily drinking and finding ways to deny and blame it on the people in their lives. I hope you will seek Alanon so you can walk on the path of recovery and growth. This is a terrible disease to cope with. Without help we end up getting sick ourselves and feeling there is no hope. Alanon will give you the tools to let go and live your live in serenity. Your part is to grab on to it, its a lifeline. Much courage and strength to you. Bettina
The ex A who I was with routinely took off and it drove me absolutely crazy with worry. Eventually after a lot of grief, anger, rage, abandonment panic and more I started to work the program. When I embarced I truly was not in control of him or his actions I could let go. He was and is a grown man, he made his own choices. One of them was to deliberately try to manipulate me. It is no coincidence after he pulled his disappearing act I would cave in.
I felt absolutely merged with him, sorry for him, sorry for his pain, over responsible for his life. I had no reins on my own life.
Al anon gave them back to me in the tools, focus on your self, embrace the three C's, detach, detach and detach. Detach some more.
These days I have no idea where the ex A went. I certainly know it was connected with drugs, alcohol and making chaos. These days I am not obsessing about it. These days I am focused on me and my life because that really is all I have control of and I have a tenous one at that.
Thank you everyone. I finally decided to answer the call today and finally try to figure out what is next. It went ok but not sure that I feel any better about things. He has been staying a few different places. One of the places I thought, his Mom's and a hotel. Not sure how true all of this is. He was a little standoffish and I do not know what to make of it and not sure how much trust I have. I asked him if he had any intentions on coming home and he said yes. So I asked him how he could stay away for 2 weeks and he said he has tried to call and I would not answer or call him back. He said he wants it to work but of course it was mostly about me and how I cannot go off the way I did because it makes him feel bad. He made sure he told me that he did not drink Vodka through all of this--only beer. But a few nights he went overboard. I asked him if he was ever going to stop and he said he did not know. So, now it is up to me if I want to live with that if we come to the decision to try. He said he is very afraid that it will not change and does not want to be back here in a few weeks. He admitted that he is not where he wants to be in life. He is used to making 6 figures and now I am the breadwinner and that makes him feel like less of a man. I told him he can have whatever he wants if he puts his mind to it but will not get there if he continues to live like this and take off everytime there is a disagreement. He said that morning I seemed very unhappy with him and he thought I would have a better life without him. I think he needs to work on himself like I have to work on me. I asked him if he was happy staying away and he said no and I asked him if he liked staying at the one place I don't like and he said no. He has been doing work there and they offer for him to stay. He is going to be doing a roof job for them next. I told him I just assumed that is where he has been and asked him if he was more content there than here. He said no but I do not know if that is the truth. Something in my gut says something is not right. He always runs there and I am sure he is there more than the hotel or anywhere else. He said he is staying at the hotel tonight but I do not know if that is true. I asked him if I could come and see him and he said we need to take things slow this time. He knows I do not like the one place so I know he will not tell me if that is where he is. His thoughts are to just talk for the next few days and see what happens. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if this is really what I want. I think when we talked today, I offered too much of my feelings too soon. When we talk tomorrow, I am going to be less giving with my feelings and let him know that I have more thinking to do than I thought.
Glad that your going to give it some thought to what YOU want.
As long as he is drinking it will remain the same. Nothing changes if nothing changes. As long as you keep asking him questions, he will reply to what he thinks you want to hear. And the part where he tells you because you make more then him it makes him feel bad. Its only more stuff to fuel his drinking.
Stay on your path, keep coming back, because it works.
I am trying to focus on me but having a really tough time today. We have been speaking and it has been pretty positive. He called quite a few times yesterday and if the afternoon I really thought I was going to see him last night. He was having an issue with the job he was working on and frustrated. He was waiting for his cousin to call him back so hopefully he could help him as he was only working with one hand. Sounded like he had been drinking but I did not say anything. We just had a general conversation. He was really missing me and I was missing him. He cut his hand the other day and his stitches were cut open and he was going to go back and have it restitched. So I told him to go back to the hotel, soak it in a bucket, take the medication and go to bed. He said he would rather be soaking it in a bucket with me. I told him we would talk later and see. I told him that he said the day before that seeing me was a bad idea. he immediately jumped and said that is not what he said but waht he said was that we needed time. He kept saying that no matter what happens, he will always love me. he kept saying that. I had to get back to work so I told him that I would call him on my way home (about 1/2 hour later). I told him that if he was in the middle of the job, does he promise to call me later and he said yes. Did not hear from him. I called and left a message at 6:30 saying I was just checking in him and to call me back but he never did. He usually shuts his phone when he goes to bed and it was on when I tried calling at 11:30 but still no answer. It was also still on this morning. I just let it ring once and hung up. Not sure if he just passed out after taking his medication. He was paid at the hotel through yesterday and, as of the other day, he wasn't sure what he was going to do for the weekend. He was getting more money for a job and said he may just pay for more days. (not sure how many). I asked if he would be going back to the other friend's house and he said he still had work to do but was not sure if he would stay there but may not be a bad idea if if could save him money. I guess the uncertainty is just killing me. When we talk, he sounds like he wants to try and make it work and then crap like this happens. Maybe I have too many expectations? He is supposed to go back to the job today where he cut his hand and I do not know if I will hear from him or not. I am just so sonfused and do not know what to do but I am tired of feeling like this. I am on an emotional rollercoaster and not sure how much longer I can do it.
I can very much relate to the uncertanity. I can also relate to the checking up on the ex A. I used to call him twenty or more times a day. I was desperately trying to control the uncontrollable. The trouble was no matter how much I knew I was always anxious.
In al anon we adopt the three C's, we can't cure it, we can't control it and we didn't cause it. I know it was one of the hardest things for me to back off and let him fall. That felt very alien to me. At the same time it was a huge relief. I had spent years worrying, obsessing and feeling resentful. When I got right down to it the resentment was affecting my health.
I am so glad you are here and talking about your issues. If you follow the threads on this board you can see how people grow and develop and how they handle the most difficult of situations. You are in the right place, the next right step is there for you to take.
Thank you. I have tried calling and no answer. I am concerned because of the condition he sounded in yesterday and I know he has pain killers and is mixing it with the beer. I drove to the hotel and he was not there nor was he at the other 2 places that were a possibility, one of them beign a job site. unless he is at the place he was having trouble yesterday but I do not know where that is. After all of our talks, I just do not understand why he is not calling me back. I am concerned and overwhelmed with worry and also anger.
