New Here and Mad as hell.. - Al-Anon Family Group

Leila1 · Newbie

New Here and Mad as hell..

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there Leila and welcome, you can shout as much as you like here, and there is nothing that you are feeling that either myself or the rest haven't felt too, thats how we landed here, the good thing is you have hope now and plenty of good honest wisdom that will help you through the troubled times, yes there is irony in all of this but it's what we know, and now that we know that we know we can do something about it, keep coming back!

Katy

x

doloresbscrap · Newbie

Hi friend: Once a person starts to show certain things that could lead to a much greater abuse, it is not a joke. And you know it by experience. Find help inmediately, start to love yourself and dont let anyone hurt you. Run as far as you can, this will not work, do it before it is to late. I hope you will be allright!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Leila
Welcome to MIP and Alanon. I understand exactly how you feel and have wanted to do all the things you mentioned and more furious

before I arrived at the door of alanon.

Since you grew up surrounded by this disease , you qualified for alanon long before this last relationship. You have been affected by alccoholism Glad you did not pick up drinking however even without drinking we take on the attitudes and feelings of the alcoholics and need a reovery program for ourselves. That is why alanon exists.

You will find on line meetings here 2xs a day and help in finding local face to face meetings in your community can be found by going to:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

You are no longer alone and you can find help and tools that will enable you to have a successful life.

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 5th of August 2010 12:41:19 PM

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((((((Leila)))))))))))))))))

Welcome to Our MIP Family :)

Yep.. been there done that myself, I am currantly married to what some would call a Binge Drinker, and tho he has improved over the years, (More So Since "I" Joined al-anon) I still have those days were it would be nice to have attention that didn't result in him being ticked at someone or something, and I wasn't just "Vent Door" for him to yell out his angers...

I know my husband would never be violant, We have been together goin on 15 years, but there are times that his Moods Alone would make me want to just knock him out... "Heck with breakin My toe when its His fault"...lol...

You will find here love & support like know other, we have all been there at least once or like Hotrod said... We wouldn't be here...There are Many Wise People that can help you walk thru your day, with your head up, shoulders back and just be proud of WHO YOU Are.. Not what the Alcoholic has made you...

I do hope that you Keep Coming back, and like above ... Face to Face Meeting in Your Area would be a Wonderful place to start getting the Attention you deserve, instead the attention that keeps you stressed... I was told when I started to make AT LEAST 6 F2F meeting before I made up my mind one way or another,... I'm truly glad I stuck to that commitment... It was that Very Last Meeting that Gave me what I needed to hear, and has kept me coming back for the last 2 years... It has changed my life so Much for the better...

Please take what you like and leave the Rest... KEEP COMING BACK :) You wont be Sorry you Did...

Friends In Recovery...

Jozie

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Leila...Try something? Read your post as if anyone of us or someone else
was reading it and see what you come up with.

I had a former sponsor in Al-Anon who taught me a slogan. When in doubt (if there is any doubt about what I am doing or about to do) Don't!!! I was so
blessed in that his name also was Don. T. How instructive of my HP was that??

Read you post again. ((((hugs))))

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Leila))))))

Welcome to MIP! When I attended my first face to face meeting the first words out of my mouth were,"only an alcoholic can F-up Christmas". I did not realize how mad I was until many years later. It is ok to be mad. It gets better in recovery.

In support,
Nancy

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Leila, Welcome, I'm glad you found MIP and all the wisdom available here. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and whenever I read or hear of any kind of abusive behavior it makes me cringe, sometimes the mental abuse can be easier to withstand than the physical but it does cause damage to a person. Take care of yourself.

You wrote "but I see his pain and know he deserves the chance.." and I could not help thinking so do you Leila. Keep coming back and attending Alanon meetings, learn as much as you can, you deserve all the wonderful serenity it can bring

much love and support
Jen

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Leila,

You're in the right place- I'm glad you found MIP. I can relate to your post!

It took me a while to 'get' the principles of alanon, but now that I'm starting to understand, I am able to make positive changes. They say to give alanon a good chance before making any major decisions. Hindsight being 20/20, I do believe there is so much value to that.

Keep coming back.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It's true that he deserves a chance, but he has a chance -- a chance to stop drinking, right? But he's not doing it? My question would be whether you don't deserve a chance at a happy life too. If it were going to go on this way for the rest of your life, would you choose it? I wish someone had asked me these questions when I first got involved with my A. I thought A's just went to AA and they were cured -- I didn't realize that even the ones who go to AA overwhelmingly relapse (I think the statistic is about 75%). So those are the odds. However, the real issue is your own life and happiness, whether you are with him or without him. Read all the threads you can, learn all you can, try out different meetings, and answers will become clearer. This is a place full of people who have been in and are in your shoes.

Leila1 · Newbie

Thank you all for your responses. I felt better just being able to vent without the fear of argument over my words and for that alone ty.

Im wondering if anyone can help me understand one aspect of the disease, the ability the drinker/abuser has to blank / black out any memory of the hurtful things they do and say. Its like it never happened. I guess im asking as this relationship is bringing up memories of my childhood, and how my parents never remembered how we got our bruises and broken bones, and why there was never food in the house. Unlike my parents my fiance will and does appologize for his alcoholic behaviour, he knows he is an alcoholic and has made many efforts to dry up.

Im sorry im all over the place here, I just have so much to say and tons of questions.

To those who said to "Run" I appreciate where you may be in your dealing with the alcoholic in your lives, I am however going to stay and support and hand hold his way to recovery if he makes it. I know if he finds God and hold dear to his words the struggle and burden for him to enter sobriety will lesson. I also accept that i am placing myself in a place for mental and emotional abuse but by the grace of god and good groups like this one I will find the strength I need.

I would like to share a piece of a Hymn that saved my life when I was 10yrs old and ready to die.

"Im a child of the King and he loves me I know"....To me at that time and today no more powerful words have I ever heard..He loves me, He LOVES ME.. This wreck of a person who at ten had no hope was lifted up to survive. Now at 34 I realize that its not just me God loves lol its the battered, weak, and alcoholic as well.

If god can forgive and love Alan inspite of his failures I can too, after all He is a Child of the King..

sorry for my rambles

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Leila

What a beautiful poem and so very inspiring. Thank you for sharing your deep belief and the saving power of your GOd!!

Alcoholism is a terrible disease that is progressive. What you described happening "Forgetting the painful things and the physical violence " is called a "BLACK OUT" They may not look drunk may look sober but are not. They are operating on a different level. After my husband became sober he shared that he remembered very little of the last 3 years. I certainly remevber it all That is why we are urged to get to meetigns, do not engage with the booze and take care of ourselves!!!

Please keep coming back here and find face to face meetings in your community. Alanon will give you the tools and support you need to live your life with compassion and dignity.

We too believe in the power of God!!! You are not alone

-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 6th of August 2010 09:05:48 AM

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

"Im wondering if anyone can help me understand one aspect of the disease, the ability the drinker/abuser has to blank / black out any memory of the hurtful things they do and say. Its like it never happened."-Leila

They are in denial and no they wont recognize what they are doing to themselves or others. We cannot talk them into awareness either. You can hold his hand all you want but nothing you do or dont do will help him with his own addiction.
When we confront the A about their addiction - they do not fight with us about it, they deny it exists - they are in an argument with YOU for them it isnt about them or their "problem". If he admits it, then he would have to take responsibility and that is what they avoid at all costs.

No one can tell you to stay or leave. It is your life and your choice to make.

What does concern me is this statement: "I know the basics of living with an alcoholic - dont argue, fight, beg, cry cause they always win." -Leila

I think u might be missing the point there, it isnt that we shouldnt emote to them - but it is true that when we have an emotional outburst (with them) they gain power over us, they use that to justify what they are doing, yes. But the issue is that if we focus on them (whether we emotionally break in front of them or not) we lose us and feed the disease. I'll say it again ~ if we focus on them, we lose us and feed the disease.

Best way to help and support an A is to get a solid program of our own, make us the center of our own lives. As long as u make someone else the center of YOUr life - ur life is out of control.

Focus on you, determine ur true needs versus your wants/fantasies and that will help u get on ur way. Setting boundaries is something I didnt know how to do (as an ACoA) and it helped me when I followed through on them - to get my power back, to feel self esteem and self respect and for the first time to experience a glmpse of what true loving detachment feels like. Today I can be emotionally autonomous and experience being me, not take on everything the A is goiong through. It is their life after all and they will have to feel-deal-heal their own feelings and issues. We can only do that for us.

I agree with the fact that things do get progressivelt worse and that right now he is modifying his behavior until u are married and he can show you his true self, whatver that is. Please be safe and consider creating a Plan B, just incase u need to get out one night and u will have the ability to protect and take care of yourself.

You are worth loving and kind treatment. Yes we are all children of the kind but if you are being belittled and verbally assaulted - how are u treating your own child of the king? He died for us already, we are not martyrs, we are human beings.

I didnt realize I didnt know what respect was. Now that I have self respect, I know the difference. How respectful is of you, to you and to the king to allow yourself to be ignored by you? anyway just thoughts, not an assault - this is coming from my own ESH - when i realized i was wasting my own life by giving it to someone else that didnt want to change and they resented my "help" anyway. I dcedied to treat me with love and respect and allow me to not tolerate abuse (mis treatment) anymore.

Coming out of denial is a process that you will also go through, if you give alanon and YOU a fair try here - hope u do the miracle is worth it! Ive never been closer to my king.

-- Edited by kitty on Friday 6th of August 2010 09:57:45 AM

DreamXL · Senior Member

Leila, hi and welcome...:) one thing that stood out from you last post..was hand hold his recovery...u cant make the horse drink. If he wants recovery its up to him to find it, maybe he doesnt want it, they have to want it, period. All the love in the world wont cure an addiction, if it did we wouldnt have any a's in the world. I would suggest you work on your own recovery as coming from a history of alchol and abuse its not by mistake we land with one :) blessings on your road to recovery :)

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Get the book offered at the top of the page, Getting them Sober. Having reasonable expectations and knowing how to detach is so key. I don't think alcoholics actually "win" at all after all they are destroying themselves and everyone around them. I know when I'm around an alcoholic these days (which is every day) my perceptions and boundaries are far far different. That didn't happen overnight. Practicing the tools takes time just like any other skill. The idea is to start now and keep at it whatever you decide to do.

Maresie.

flinn66 · Senior Member

Welcome Leila

You feel his pain and know he deserves a chance, well I feel your pain and know you deserve a chance too!

My A is a binge drinker and whilst always sorry after an episode things improve for a while until the next relapse - I used to cajole, nag, wheedle, whine anything and of course it was useless. It has taken me a long time with the help of Al Anon to learn that nothing I do can change my other half - denial is powerful - they lie - I honestly doubt after a drinking session that they remember anything that they have said or done. Perhaps what I find hardest is the 'lost little boy' that my A becomes after drinking a kind of hopeless, helpless state - and I have to fight my own anger at that (a lot to do with my upbringing). He does deserve a chance, but only by finding his own HP and accepting long -term help will he find it - he has 'flirted' with AA and counselling even had a spell in ReHab, but this is a lifetime disease and relapse the norm.

It does not have to be that way for us, I have been low this past fortnight after the latest episode, and yes angry too, but I know that is mine to deal with - I would love to receive love and support from my partner - but it won't happen but I am receiving love from my HP and by belonging to this fellowship. Maybe today has not been that great but as long as I focus on me and take each day at a time, I will find myself again.

God Bless

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Leila and welcome to Alanon,

I think Hotrod in the previous post said it best. That you qualified for Alanon long before this relationship. I truly believe that people appear in our life for a reason. I wouldnt be the person I am today if it wasnt for the alcoholic in my life. Today I feel gratitude for that.

I feel this A, this man is trying to wake up your life. This is not the first alcoholic in your life and it wont be the last . Your life is reaching out because you know somewhere that a change has got to come about. Please know that you have come to the right place, your right where your suppose to be.

I truly hope that you will attend a face to face Alanon meeting and begin the journey that now has presented itself to you. We dont have to be chained to the past and we can create the life that we want for ourselves.

Please return to these pages of the experiences of the many individuals who have taken the journey to start creating happiness and serenity. Don't you think you deserve it.?

Luv, Bettina

tlcate · Senior Member

So much wonderful Experience, Strength & Hope here! We tend to not give advice on whether to stay or leave - just that there is hope for a better life when in a program of recovery no matter what you decide.

As for the black outs - I can tell you from personal experience they are exactly what they are described as. A complete loss of time and memory of what has transpired. I have also found that the farther along one is in their alcoholism, the more frequent black outs are. If it is something you have not experienced it seems illogical and an excuse, but let me assure you it is not. There is denial - almost all alcoholics deny at some point that they have a drinking problem. But a black out is a different thing all together. An alcholic drinks - there is no specific number of drinks - may be the first one, may be the tenth one. Then they wake up the next day and do not remember a thing. Driving drunk, being abusive, emotional breakdowns, infidelity, or the life of the party - it is all gone. They are left with the results, sometimes fatal or very damaging to others, and don't even remember doing it. A friend of mine and her husband were killed by a drunk driver a couple of years ago and the driver does not even remember the accident. It is terrifying for everyone involved.

I respect your desire to stay and support your spouse. I have been on the receiving end of that support and it in invaluable. Please keep coming back, there is much to learn and we look forward to sharing your journey.

Tricia

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.