The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This came up in therapy not to long ago.....my therapist remarked that I worry too much about what others think of me, I assume that they do or will think negatively of me, and that I tend to judge myself or my efforts based on this....i think she's right of course.... But I cant' help but compare my life to others....don't we all? I think it takes a Gandi type level of enlightenment not to care at all. If I go to work and everyone has a nice expensive car (at least most of them do) and I'm one of the few with a 12 year old, worn out set of wheels....how do I not feel some envy, or wonder what's wrong with me that I can't attain things like that. Or someone who's marriage is happy...why don't I deserve that and why wasn't I good enough (or smart enough etc) to get it. Why is my house a mess, and old and looks crappy when they have beautiful homes....what did they do right that I didn't...that's what I ask myself. Is it just luck? Then why is God (or whomever) not giving me the same luck. Are they smarter, healthier, or better focused than me????? Then why am I broken? I struggle with this alot.....I can distract myself from thinking about these things, fill me days with pleasant experiences etc....but it always comes back to: WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME THAT I DONT' MEASURE UP TO EVERYONE ELSE....WHY AM I THE ODDBALL......WHY AM I NOT BETTER???????
I'm well aware that I'm not doing myself any favors by dwelling on this but to me they seem like legitimate questions. After all the the disparity I see truly exists.....it's real and I'd like answers.... Again I can distract myself, but the disparity in my life and that of others will still exist. I can try to focus on the idea that material things don't bring happiness (I know that, they never did for me). I can try to be happy doing what I love. But I can't help feeling judged unfavorably and wondering where I went wrong.
I know you have been coming here and posting and have received lots of ES&H from many members with years in the program. That's good and I hope you continue posting. Lots of the answers you are looking for can be found by starting back with your f2f meetings, working your program, and working the steps with a sponsor. That was my life saver.
It doesn't matter where we are in our life, or how old we are, Al-Anon allows us to have a fresh start, allows us to start over anytime. The program really does work if we work it. Good luck, I wish you only the best. Take care of yourself first.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Wednesday 4th of August 2010 12:17:45 PM
I think a lot of us do that. Focus too much and care too much about what others think. Keep working your program and as a part of it you will see this personality traits fade away,
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
Oh boy, do I do this! It has gotten better, which any improvement is great over the paralyzing fear of confrontation and judgement from others. In fact, it has gotten quite a bit better.
First thing I had to realize is that I was worried about other people judging me - because I judge others . . . harshly.
As for what others have and I don't . . . I guess I am fortunate there. I am a single mom and raised my kid on my own for 18 years without a dime from anyone. I am proud of my car, my house, my clothes from salvation army. I worked darned hard for everything and if a person driving a mercedes benz or BMW with a nice house wants to trade places with me . . . I would like to see them pull off what I did.
Now, on the softer side of things - I also got to take my own inventory which is a HUMBLING thing to do. Sitting in the rooms of AA and Al-Anon is humbling. Sponsoring is humbling. In the same instance I was judging others I was feeling less than. Once I realized we are all human and there is good and bad going on behind every door with every person . . . what we see on the outside tells us very little of what the person's life and level of happiness really is. All I can do is worry about my own. Once I realized that about not knowing others, I realized they really don't know me either.
I want to stop judging and I am working REALLY hard to not do that. It plays hand in hand in not worrying about what others think of me.
Do you think it is possible that a man with nothing to his name except a backpack containing a couple of belongings . . . who is out living his life, free, happy, confident can meet a man who is rich and by the end of the conversation the rich man wants to be the traveler? I can see it. The grass is always greener.
I love your posts. You are really digging up core issues! Let us know how your progress is going working on them. I would love to hear some of the tools you are implementing and how therapy/counseling and Al-Anon are helping.
Thanks!
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
