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Post Info TOPIC: I give people too much power over me....


Senior Member

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Posts: 413
Date:
I give people too much power over me....


This came up in therapy not to long ago.....my therapist remarked that I worry too much about what others think of me, I assume that they do or will think negatively of me, and that I tend to judge myself or my efforts based on this....i think she's right of course....
But I cant' help but compare my life to others....don't we all?   I think it takes a Gandi type level of enlightenment not to care at all.  If I go to work and everyone has a nice expensive car (at least most of them do) and I'm one of the few with a 12 year old, worn out set of wheels....how do I not feel some envy, or wonder what's wrong with me that I can't attain things like that.  Or someone who's marriage is happy...why don't I deserve that and why wasn't I good enough (or smart enough etc) to get it.  Why is my house a mess, and old and looks crappy when they have beautiful homes....what did they do right that I didn't...that's what I ask myself. 
Is it just luck?  Then why is God (or whomever) not giving me the same luck.  Are they smarter, healthier, or better focused than me?????  Then why am I broken?   I struggle with this alot.....I can distract myself from thinking about these things, fill me days with pleasant experiences etc....but it always comes back to:
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME THAT I DONT' MEASURE UP TO EVERYONE ELSE....WHY AM I THE ODDBALL......WHY AM I NOT BETTER???????

I'm well aware that I'm not doing myself any favors by dwelling on this but to me they seem like legitimate questions.  After all the the disparity I see truly exists.....it's real and I'd like answers....
Again I can distract myself, but the disparity in my life and that of others will still exist.
I can try to focus on the idea that material things don't bring happiness (I know that, they never did for me).  I can try to be happy doing what I love.  But I can't help feeling judged unfavorably and wondering where I went wrong.


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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 604
Date:

(((mjhyankees))).  No suggestions today, just a hug.  Life can just hard some days... and unfair.
Tomorrow will be better.



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Sweet Stanley
RLC


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1483
Date:

I know you have been coming here and posting and have received lots of ES&H from many members with years in the program. That's good and I hope you continue posting. Lots of the answers you are looking for can be found by starting back with your f2f meetings, working your program, and working the steps with a sponsor. That was my life saver.

It doesn't matter where we are in our life, or how old we are, Al-Anon allows us to have a fresh start, allows us to start over anytime. The program really does work if we work it. Good luck, I wish you only the best. Take care of yourself first.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Wednesday 4th of August 2010 12:17:45 PM

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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 172
Date:

I think a lot of us do that. Focus too much and care too much about what others think. Keep working your program and as a part of it you will see this personality traits fade away,

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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 449
Date:

Oh boy, do I do this!  It has gotten better, which any improvement is great over the paralyzing fear of confrontation and judgement from others.  In fact, it has gotten quite a bit better.

First thing I had to realize is that I was worried about other people judging me - because I judge others . . . harshly.  

As for what others have and I don't . . . I guess I am fortunate there.  I am a single mom and raised my kid on my own for 18 years without a dime from anyone.  I am proud of my car, my house, my clothes from salvation army.  I worked darned hard for everything and if a person driving a mercedes benz or BMW with a nice house wants to trade places with me . . . I would like to see them pull off what I did.

Now, on the softer side of things - I also got to take my own inventory which is a HUMBLING thing to do.  Sitting in the rooms of AA and Al-Anon is humbling.  Sponsoring is humbling.  In the same instance I was judging others I was feeling less than.  Once I realized we are all human and there is good and bad going on behind every door with every person . . . what we see on the outside tells us very little of what the person's life and level of happiness really is.  All I can do is worry about my own.  Once I realized that about not knowing others, I realized they really don't know me either.

I want to stop judging and I am working REALLY hard to not do that.  It plays hand in hand in not worrying about what others think of me.

Do you think it is possible that a man with nothing to his name except a backpack containing a couple of belongings . . . who is out living his life, free, happy, confident can meet a man who is rich and by the end of the conversation the rich man wants to be the traveler?  I can see it.  The grass is always greener. 

I love your posts.  You are really digging up core issues!  Let us know how your progress is going working on them.  I would love to hear some of the tools you are implementing and how therapy/counseling and Al-Anon are helping.

Thanks!

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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
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