The material presented
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Iv been with my ah for a very long time and he was sober for 10 years. He started drinking again 6 mnths ago. I left after 9 years of dealing with his crap the first time then he quit and because I love him, I came back, thinking he would never drink again. What in the hell was I thinking. We have two teenage kids, a house, our pets, our whole life and he is just destroying it. Again.. Im new to this site and alanon. Iv read on here your not supposed to confront them about their drinking, your not to maneuver life to make it hard for them to drink, and your supposed to live your own life and not try to make them stop. How in the world do I do that? How do I set there knowing darn well that he drank and is totally trashed and listen to him tell me that he hasnt drank anything at all. And Im crazy.. That Im always a downer and I always ask for to much and Im always a b--ch. Everything he says is a lie. His business is failing, he wrecked his truck, We almost lost our house, All of our bills are behind. Its my fault, everything is my fault. I still have my new car and thats wrong cuz now hes driving a old car, We took the kids to disneyworld 5 yrs ago thats why we are in debt, I am selfish if I ask to go with my friends or take our kids to do anything, I dnt realize how hard things are for him. Im so sick of it I walk on pins and needles to not make him angry. He freaks out about everything. I am SO ANGRY with him with myself, Iv waisted so much of my life with his disease. So my question is how do I not say anything to him about ruining our lives? How do I sit there and listen to his bs and say nothing. Im so angry and so sick of it all. And Im stuck- I am paying all the bills here so things dnt get taken and turned off so I cant even save any money to leave. This is my our whole life, why should we pay for his alcoholism? Sorry I geuss Im just needing to vent. I just dnt know how to learn to keep my mouth shut and work the program..
I hear your frustration loud and clear! Being powerless over another person's behaviour really sucks, eh? Especially when their actions have negative consequences for you and your family.
That's just the problem -- you don't have the power to change his drinking, so the only person you can change is yourself. And if what you've been doing already clearly isn't working, isn't it time to try something different?
I've come to see Al-Anon not only as a program of recovery for me, but as a blueprint for my personal growth. I got a bit stunted and twisted from growing up in an alcoholic home, but it's now up to me to straighten that out.
There are many members on here (as well as in face to face meetings) who have managed to find serenity and happiness while living with active alcoholism, so it is possible for you as well. Keep coming back!
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I'm so sorry that your AH has relapsed and you find yourself back in the insanity. I'm glad you have reached out to us here and are thinking about alanon.
While it's true that we are encouraged not to interfere in the alcoholic's choices, it's not because we are "not supposed to", but rather because it achieves absolutely nothing at best, or, makes a bad situation worse, at worst. It's futile on our parts. The encouragement not to do it, is to help you detach from the craziness.
I can totally relate to the frustration of the AH denial that they have been drinking - but what does it matter if they deny it? I used to take that so personally - like he thought I was stupid. I realize now that I was kind of silly for asking the question, when it was blatantly obvious that he was, and I wasn't gaining any power over the situation by forcing him to admit it.
You find yourself dealing with the same stuff that alcoholism always brings, I hope you will participate in alanon so you can deal with it better and have some inner peace.
Thanks for sharing Renee. I am still learning, but as I read your post it reminds me of when I first popped my head out of denial about his drinking (he to was supposed to be sober and lying too). The counselor I was seeing immediately handed me a clipboard and said "what's your plan?". At the time I froze in fear and re-entered denial thinking it will get better. He got a DUI a few months later. Now that I have a little recovery I know that she meant what's my plan for self care not what's my plan for fixing or enabling the disease. Keep reaching out and stay connected to sane people - that's loving everyone.
Aloha Renee...How you do it is by following the suggestions and footprints of those who have come before you who did the same thing and got their lives back in order whether their alcoholic was still drinking or not.
You've come to the right place. Make time for yourself to scroll back over the many many post of the newcomers who have come here like yourself looking for sanity and help and who had the same complaint you have now. You are not alone in reacting to and going thru this cunning, powerful and baffling disease of alcoholism. It's victims are legion and still there is much hope for you and for them.
The suggestions I got and followed were look up the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your telephone book and call as soon as you can for the face to face meeting places and times in your area and then get to the very first one you can whether you feel fearful about it or not. There is a chair waiting for you already and a literature display with much literature, some of it free...get as much as you are able and read it all. The meeting may have a newcomers packet for you at not cost and all of it is very helpful. Next sit down at the table or circle and listen listen listen with an open mind and after the meeting talk with the fellowship who will be willing to talk with you about your concerns. We have stories of recovery you need to hear so that you can increase your hope. Next read and learn the steps and slogans of Al-Anon and keep doing that as often as you can over the next 90 days. (some areas suggest 6 continuous meetings and the like. I did 102 or so meetings in 90 days.) After 90 days ask your self if Al-Anon is what you were looking for and has it helped. If the answer is yes follow thru on the next suggestions and practice, practice, practice what you are learning. As you get stronger you will make better choices than you are doing now and you will learn much more about the life threatening disease that currently has a tight grip on you and your family.
One of the things I loved about al anon when I got here (which was a last resort for me) was there were no maxims. No one told me what to do, there were suggestions, not absolute laws.
I do know the tools of al anon help me daily to detach, not catastrophize (which is the norm for me). I also know that at some point I stopped on the merry go round of should I stay or go. That was so destructive to me. If you stay its fine by everyone if you go its fine by people too. There isn't any judgment here.
All I can say is I agree with Jerry and everyone. Get to a real face to face meeting and start learning all you can to change what you are doing. Take care of yourself. Remember you can do this! Let go and let God (your higher power) take the lead....
(((renee26))) I hear you loud and clear. Living in the world of alcoholism is tough to say the least. Welcome. You will find ES&H here. There are no judgements here. You will find people here that can relate to your situation. Most here have been through the same or similar. You can find serenity and peace here. There is no one right answer of what to do in any one situation and we all have to find our own way and you will find yours. Jump into the program. It takes blood, sweat, and tears to get through all the "muck" that we have lived in. You have to get out of your comfort zone. It is hard, but your life will improve immensely. It truly is darkest before the dawn, but the dawn will come. Peace.
Welcome. You will find ES&H here. There are no judgements here. You will find people here that can relate to your situation. Most here have been through the same or similar. You can find serenity and peace here. There is no one right answer of what to do in any one situation and we all have to find our own way and you will find yours. Jump into the program. It takes blood, sweat, and tears to get through all the "muck" that we have lived in. You have to get out of your comfort zone. It is hard, but your life will improve immensely. It truly is darkest before the dawn, but the dawn will come.