The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello. I've tried a few live AlAnon meetings, but haven't found the right group, I guess.
My wife is an A, has battled it on and off for years, with a 3-year dry stretch. In the past, the drinking was almost always just in the evenings, and there would be stretches of weeks where she wouldn't drink. It's been challenging, especially since I went through a 2-year bout of depression during those times...but I got through it, as did we. Our relationship had its ups and downs, but I took the "for better or worse" part seriously, and we never separated or anything. The good times were pretty good, and I still love her. I've not been a perfect husband, but have always been faithful, honest, and a good provider.
Last year, she was diagnosed with breast cancer in May. She went thru chemo, then a double mastectomy, then radiation back-to-back over 7-8 months. She also decided that alcohol and pills were her best friends, and would sometimes go for days without being sober/straight for even an hour. (She'd never been like that with prior drinking). I was with her mostly 24/7, to try to keep her from hurting herself; if I went out for a few hours to run errands or go to ballgame, she'd be very wasted whenever I got home. I once had to take her to the ER after she'd taken a bunch of pills, and after that had to keep her meds hidden and dispense them. She'd find them...lather, rinse, repeat.
The last year was hell on many levels: worrying about her health and about losing her, trying to keep her from hurting herself, being trapped and unable to leave her alone for even a few hours. I went to almost every single doctor appointment with her, almost every chemo session and radiation treatment, immersed myself in studying about her disease so I could help the doctors with her treatment, etc etc. She was hospitalized for 8 days after suffering a blood clot to her lung, had 4 other surgeries...I was there every step, and have been intimiately involved with her treatment.
I had NO reservations whatsoever with helping fight the one evil disease (cancer) until my last breath...but dealing with the second evil disease (alcoholism) really took the life out of me. The coup de grace came when I had to have emergency surgery myself, was hospitalized for 4 days...and the last two, she didn't even show up but instead stayed home and drank all day. This really tore me up, as you could imagine. I tried Alanon meetings (not much help), went to a counselor myself, prayed a whole bunch...God got me thru, but dang...
This last May, about a year after being diagnosed with the breast cancer, I went to a ballgame with my neighbor one evening, and when I came home, I found her drunk and standing by the stove, when suddenly...she fell down. She stayed conscious, but since she was on blood thinners and hit her head, I called an ambulance in case she had a brain bleed.
That night, sitting in that ER exam room once again with a drunk wife, I finally decided that, with her cancer apparently in remission, I simply could not take this drinking any more, and as much as I wanted to always be there for her...I had to leave. In 22 years, this was the first time I'd ever said to myself that I couldn't take any more.
Then, the doctor came back and told us that she did not have a brain bleed...but that the cancer had apparently spread to her brain.
Suffice it to say that I did a quick 180 on the whole "leaving" thing. I immediately jumped back into "caregiver" mode, over the next week or so coordinated with her docs as well as arranging for a second opinion from one of the top cxr hospitals in the world, etc. I take the whole "in sickness and in health" part seriously, too.
She had gamma knife radiosurgery last month, and for most of the last six weeks I'd been blessed with having my old wife back again without the drinking and drugs. Then two weeks ago, out of left field, she slipped for a weekend. She did feel bad about it, which hadn't been the case previously....then back to "normal" for a week.
Then, early this week- again, drinking for a couple days. She also lied about it, which isn't usual. I forgave as always, sucker that I am, and we had a good couple days. Yesterday, we got some great news in the AM that the surgery appeared successful and the tumor was dead and had shrunk by half already. We went to lunch, visited old friends, had a great day, then....BAM, she gets drunk last night.
I told her first thing this AM that I don't know how much more of this I can take, and she immediately starts swearing at me (which she's NEVER done), throwing things around (which she's rarely done), and has been blasted all day. I hid the car keys as she wanted to go "somewhere" (and we all know where), and she's now sleeping. It was three steps forward, one back for the last month or so...now it feels like one forward, ten back.
So...here I am. I am a slave to her drinking once again. I cannot leave even for a while, to go to a meeting this evening, lest she hurt herself. I cannot leave the marriage, as I am just not wired to abandon her when she's still battling the cancer...and if I did leave, I'd feel bad when something happened to her (self-inflicted or not). Were her health not so compromised (if she fell and hit her head, it could be fatal because of blood thinners), I could disengage more easily and look out for myself just a bit.
All I can do is just sit here and babysit, and pray. For much of the last 15 months, that's what I get to call a "life". Can't stay, can't leave. Generally can't feel sorry for myself, as others have it worse including the woman I love.
Sorry to ramble, and thanks for reading this far. It's kinda sad when you have no one else to tell the "whole truth" to, and instead have to vent online to who-knows-who. Then again, I guess the whole "anonymous" aspect can be therapeutic.
Hello and welcome - yikes what a dilema , please find meetings and take care of you babysitting just wont help one bit and you are indeed being held hostage by alcoholism . you need support from people who understand and \i know u said u didnt get help at the meetings u did go to- I suggest perhaps u went with the idea that most of us did that this program would show u how to get her sober , or u simply werent ready to hear any of the solutions offered for you. Absolutley nothing will change until someone changes and that is going to have to be you ,we cannot afford to wait for the alcoholic to see the light and change ,it only takes one person to change to create change were also told that if we want change we have to be willing to create it. You said her cancer is in remission awsome am happy for you both and now u are back to dealing with alcoholism this is too hard to do alone .when we enable we are actually helping them drink and that really made me mad when I figured that out . Her behavior is changing ,this is a progressive disease it always gets worse never better . the choice to drink is hers as is the decission to stop . please find help for yourself this is your life too . If you decide to try another meeting listen to the similarities not the differences and u will find the help u need . Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Friday 30th of July 2010 06:20:27 PM
Welcome to MIP, I am glad you found us. I'm sorry for the painful situation you are in. I do know that following the steps in Alanon and using the tools I have learned thru the program have helped me be able to make decisions for my life peacefully. Prior to that I was not able to find the balance between honoring myself and honoring my vows that I was comfortable with. It sometimes can take time to find the group and/or people you feel comfortable with as a home group, and it is worth the effort, try not to be discouraged. I don't think it sad at all to "vent" online, actually my first exposure to Alanon was here and to be honest at meetings I was not able to get my thoughts together and get the words out my mouth so I sat and cried my eyes out at the computer for hours trying to type when I couldn't see anything. To me reaching out somewhere is better than not reaching out, find as much info as you can on alcoholism and Alanon literature. It's amazing to me what jumps out each time I go over some of the same resources as I change. Keep coming back.
Welcome to our board. I can relate to your post very strongly. My AH suffered a stroke back in 2008, in the midst of his alcoholism. The stroke caused me to rethink what was important to me. My marriage, my view of happiness, my view of alcoholism as a disease. My life.
I ultimately chose to stay. To love him anyway. I could talk to others about the stroke, not the alcoholism. He gradually recovered (mostly) from the stroke, not the alcoholism. Sadly, he passed away this year. I am sti trying to recover from it all. The best I can say is that I did the best with what I had and thank HP for alanon. It kept me sane in an insane situation.
You have a difficult road ahead of you - no doubt. Growth and development for you in alanon will help you through.
My experience and understanding of this disease is that it is progressive, and unless arrested, it will continue to get worse until either insanity or death takes the alcoholic.
It is bleak. It is scary. It is sad. It is frustrating. It is painful. But it just... is.
I've grown up feeling like I'm supposed to be responsible for the people I care about. Like it is my moral obligation to sacrifice my own well-being and happiness to try to make someone else happy.
What I learned is my personal sacrifice is rarely ever appreciated if ever even recognized or acknowledged - most especially when it comes to sacrificing to placate the disease of alcoholism. I learned that while I'm busy taking care of the alcoholic, who on earth is taking care of ME? Experience has shown me that no one will take care of me the way I need it but myself. I had to grapple with myself for a while on whether that made me a despicable, selfish person, or perhaps a really smart person.
When I started to experiment with taking care of myself first, and brushing off my bizarre upbringing that told me I was selfish if I wasn't dropping my entire life to serve someone else, I actually started feeling better. And what was even more interesting was that the better I got, the more love I felt I acquired and the more willing I felt to share it with others and do nice things for others and be helpful. But I couldn't be helpful if I was drained and feeling put upon.
Perhaps the meetings weren't right for you then. Maybe one might be right for you now. Get yourself over to a meeting. If you are really truly concerned your wife is so unwell that she may seriously injure herself by accident, perhaps call a family member or a close family friend who is aware of her condition and ask them to spend the hour with her while you're away - you don't have to tell them where you're going if anonymity is important.
I do understand this disease leaves us feeling shut-in and secretive, so maybe calling someone to come take care of her may not be the best, but I'm willing to bet if you gave things some serious thought, you know there would be a way to make a meeting.
In the interim, I'd encourage you to take up the free book offer at the top of this message board for the book, "Getting Them Sober". And keep coming back here.
I'm sorry you're going through all this. One thing, sometimes we do have to be caregivers. That said I can see why you feel the life is getting sucked out you. And dont' minimize the physical piece....that can take more out of you than you may realize, but certainly the drinking is really wearing you out. Keep coming back, work on yourself (it's the only person you have control of). Good luck.
I lived with my now ex A through serious illnesses. He was diagnosed with a serious muscular disease as well as liver disease. The treatment was brutal.
I do agree that the alcoholism and drug addiction are very hard to battle.
At the same time the tools we can learn in al anon are really incredibly helpful. Detaching is one of them. Every single day I have to work on detachment. I no longer live with the ex A but I am certainly surrounded by alcoholics and other really dysfunctional people. If I had not learned to detach my nerves would be strung like a violin. The other resource is to really give al anon a shot, get into various groups, whether online or in person (which sounds like it may be very difficult for you). The tools of this program can make living with an alcoholic (no matter what the circumstances) a bearable issue rather than something that makes you sick too.
All of us have been in untenable situations. All of us have been to the brink and back. There is an audience here who can hear whatever you have to say. That alone is an incredible gift.
I know I felt absolutely responsible for the ex A's addiction/alcoholism which started long before I met him. I also felt responsible for his illness. Certainly I gave it far more attention that I did myself. I had to really work on learning to take care of myself.
I'm glad you are here. I hope you will give al anon a chance to show you another way of life.
Welcome and thank you for sharing your heart and soul. I cannot add any more to what has already been suggested-find local alanon face to face meetings in your community (1 hour out of the house in a welcoming understanding place) is very important for your mental and physical health.
Posting here, attending the online meetings here and visiting the chat room all are great resources for you to connect with.
Alcoholism is a disease and we who have lived with it are badly infected. Isolation , wanting to solve our own problems not needing anyone is one of the way we are locked into the disease with the alcoholic.
Please break the isolation. I had a neighbor stay in the house for a few hours os that I could attend meetings and recharge my spirit. You are worth it.
My sincerest thanks to you all for the insights and wisdom. Rocky's note particularly resonated with me (and I am very sorry for your loss).
We're back in full-bloom drinking mode, it appears. I tried last Fri to go to a meeting, but when I got there it was a combined meeting with the AA (they had a speaker) and there were no seats so I split.
Monday, we both went to separate cancer support groups for the first time (hers was for surviviors, mine was for caregivers). I was encouraged, as friends and I have been trying to get her to go to a cxr support group for many months. She said she enjoyed it and wants to go back, and I hope she follows through with that. She stayed sober the following day and a half, but has now been drunk for a similar period.
The caregiver support group I went to was lots closer to what I wish my (limited) experience with AlAnon meetings has been. Everyone was open, spoke their mind and heart freely, shared differing yet similar experiences, and the empathy flowed. I did not speak to them about the "other" disease I was dealing with, though I did talk to the therapist leading the group about it beforehand in my one-on-one interview. I expect I'll share that with the group before too long.
There is one more AlAnon group in my immediate area that I hadn't tried yet, and I'll be going there in a couple hours. Here's hoping somethng "clicks" as well as it has in visiting here with you fine folks.
Again, thanks and my God bless you for caring and sharing.
