The material presented
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level.
Sitting here at 4:30 in the morning, as I couldn't sleep. Cried all night and trying to so hard to keep my focus. I look at my children and I feel so hurt and so sorry of what I am putting them through. They seem to be a bigger force than me from the outside, as though, they're my backbone to keep going and be strong.
Following up from last weekend's incident of name calling and yelling by him. I know that not one thing I can say or give opinion of my emotions goes passed him as if I am not "normal" in his eyes. So, I shut my mouth and try not to say a word. My body is shaking with "fear", as I am afraid to utter anything unless its in agreement with him.
I was already told by him "you overestimate your worth as a woman".
Saturday.......was the disaster with the basement overflood. Yes, my fault. I was told I was "stupid" for letting it happen, as I didn't close the valve. Innocent mistake on my part, but I felt I was burned at the stakes for not being "smart enough" to remember that.
Sunday..... he called as if not a thing was wrong and came over. My children didn't utter a word towards him, unless asked a question by him, (as his wrath could be great consequences by the end of the evening from his drinking) during dinner. I was submissive and kept it neutral, but leaning to making sure he remained "happy", as sitting there, I was praying to God, please let dinner go smoothly, needless to mention the rest of the evening.
Monday - Wed .... it SEEMED normal, but in my heart, I knew it was going to hit any day now of his wrath, yelling, name calling and hypocritical ways again. I still continue to watch every word he says, pay attention to what he wanted, listened and provided advice (within of complimenting him, of course) too. He didn't seem to drink too much these 3 days. 1 glass of Vodka for the evening. My kids stayed out of his way, kept to themselves upstairs, closed doors as we knew we didn't want another confrontation. It was safer.
Thursday ..... There it was. THE day again. He comes over from work. I knew he had a long day and didn't want to upset anything that would make him upset, but then I thought, anything I do, will upset him. Regardless. Play nice, I said to myself. Play nice.
Comes home drunk. Semi-drunk, if there was such a thing. I don't know. He is mean again. When is it that he isn't mean? Only when HIS children is around. They're perfect, remember.
Asked him how work was, he said busy. I suggested to him to go change as w'ere all "relaxing" tonight and it was 11:00 in the evening and he looks at me and says "wish I had your life". I felt the cramping in my stomach, my heart racing faster, my fingers going numb. I apologized to him for saying that and indicated "I am sorry, that was not right of me, as you had a long day you would want to relax, as it is late". I get the look. His eyes are red, he stutters when he talked (indication he had been drinking more than usual) and besides the wobbling when he stands, he makes alot of hand gestures of movement to get his point across (another physical indication of him having his usual 4 cups Vodka)
ME: "I am sorry, I don't want to upset you, as you seem to always get mad at me". HIM: I am never mad at you, but only one time I was mad. pissed at you. HIM: Want to know what that was?
I thought, oh crap... here goes. I am listening attentively, moving over to the other side of the couch. I just looked at him in meek form.
HIM: "you didn't turn off the ****'ing valve and it flooded and I was working my a** off while your piece of shit son didn't help and too ****'ing worried about his hair and no hot water".
I new better than to ask, but I had to, as I felt I had to defend my kids.
ME: Please don't say I was hallucinating that my son was not downstair helping out in his pajamas. He had helped all day with it. Plus, why are you bringing this all up again? Its done. It was my fault. Its done. Lets move on.
HIM: We're going to have to work on this in our relationship. You and I have been brought up culturally different, because you were raised with a lazy mentality and your son is lazy and people here work.
OK, I thought, my son went to summer school to get himself ahead in College and now he finished the course, he is interning (no paycheck) for a prestigious firm, as it will be helpful in his resume. No comment. I felt it would have been a wasted breath to let him know, I guess.
ME: I am sorry. I am not a good parent. I should do better to teach my kids.
He brings up AGAIN the flooding incident.
ME: "okay, I already know. I get it. I am sorry. I have bad parenting skills. Its my fault, please its been a long day for you, lets get to bed."
I am standing there now, shaking and feeling numb in my arms and fingers. Getting a headache by now.
My kids were upstairs. Warned them. They shut their door.
HIM: "look at you, your shaking, just standing there...I don't need this ****'ing shit, I don't know why I came here, I am going home".
He left. I didn't stop him.
My son cancelling on the outing tomorrow with him. My daughter still going, as we know we didn't want to completely capsize the boat and consequences of his wrath would be heard by the end of the day. (a friend will be there and I will be there at the outing) Although, his children will be around this evening, so, maybe it may abide more time to put him in a better mood. No doubt, in the morning, it was as if nothing had happened. Why make more excuses for his state of mind and condition?
I must be sick and demented putting up with all this.
I sit here, wonder .. deep in thought. Crying, not out of feeling sorry for myself, but extreme hurt. I have to process this and figure out what and how am I going to get through this. Sigh.
Not loving myself anymore, but I need to be there for my kids. I have to make this better for me, but especially for my kids.
Its wrong to continue to be doing this. Asking myself, how much more can I take.
Low self-esteem and less confidence than I have ever been in my life.
-- Edited by BrokenBunny on Friday 30th of July 2010 05:35:58 AM
((((BrokenBunny)))) I wish that I could come through this monitor and give you a hug in person... I have a couple of questions. Does your boyfriend/husband live with you or are you seperated? You said at the end, that he went home. You need to get to a F2F meeting. Canadian Guy also has an offer of a book "Getting them Sober" listed above. I have this book, have read it several times, and keep going back to it. It is invaluable.
This disease is cunning and deadly. When I was reading your post, memories flooded through me, of me acting the same way as you just did. I understand the feeling of hopelessness that can totally overwhelm you. By attending alanon I am stronger, more at peace with myself, and have learned that I am only responsible for me.
I also read numerous self help books. When I read these and applied myself to a lot of the situations/feelings, I began to feel more free and get back some of my self confidence. Once I understood, the whys, I could begin to change my attitudes towards different situations.
Try to get to an alanon meeting, read the literature. You will be amazed at how fast you can find peace. Keep coming back, it works if you work it. Sucks if you don't.
Broken bunny thank you for your heart felt post ((bunny))).. I am sorry you are going thru this and your kids as well. Im thrilled that you have asked yourself the question "what is wrong with me". It was that very question that led me into alanon and into seeking recovery. Your b/f sounds like a "typical" addicted person to me. This is certainly not an excuse only an explanation. The hurt, blame, guilt, lack of responsibity for their own actions and the list goes on not to mention the abuse, which in my experience all addicted people are abusive its just the level that varies. It certainly has effected you or infected you as well as you kids. When you are dealing with addiction it doesnt matter what you do or dont do, how well you do the egg shell walk or not, they dont need a reason to go off like a rocket. No amount of love, kindness, tip toeing and the list goes on will change their behavior or cure their addiction. The good news is, you can find you again here in alanon. I think we get lost and then come to hate the person we have become. Doubting our very worthiness from toleration of such hideous treatment and worse getting used to it. These rooms are filled with people that understand how you feel and what you are going thru and are here to support you. You are not alone. I would suggest getting to some f2f meetings if possible and attending on line meetings we have here as well. It will get better bunny, that I can promise you. Your willingness to look at yourself, share with others, listen to the esh of others slowly answers will come for you to the questions you have. Please keep coming back we are all here to support you in your search for finding you again. ((bunny)))
I hear you...this reminds me of living with my wife...always wondering when the next eruption or irrational thoughts are going to come. This sounds rough....you deserve not to have this stress in your life..really....I hope you can get the support you need to deal with this.
Hi (((((brokenbunny))) So sorry you are going through this. It sure sounds familiar. Please don't let his disease undermine YOUR sense of self-worth. It's so hard to listen to all that and not take it to heart. My AH's rants were so ridiculous, but there was always a little grain of truth in there that made me doubt myself. That's because A's are VERY clever about finding our weak spots and manipulating us with them. Walking on eggshells, waiting for the next outburst, trying so hard to make everything perfect so as not to give them a reason to blow up, keeping the kids away so they won't be subjected to it all........yep, been there, done that. And, I'm NeverGoingBack. But that was my choice. We all have to make our own way and it's different for each of us.
I have read and reread an excellent book called "Marriage on the Rocks" by Janet G. Woititz. I highly recommend it for anyone who is dealing with an alcoholic in their lives. It explained so much for me, and really validated all the feelings I had (still have).
Just know that you are not alone. Sanity and positive feelings of self-worth are possible. Not easy, but possible! Keep coming back, try to get to as many F2F meetings as you can, read up on this awful disease so you can be better prepared to take care of YOURSELF. YOU are worth it!!
Love from Denise
__________________
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Yes, please do not let his disease dictate to you how you feel about yourself. Alcoholics use whatever they can to take the focus off of themselves, blame other people for their problems, and just generally avoid the truth - which is that they have a problem. It is much easier to blame someone else for how we feel than it is to accept the reality that nobody MAKES us feel a particular way.
Good for you for reaching out. Tell yourself that you are a good person, that you are worthy of being treated with respect and kindness, and that you will not live and die by the words of others.
I have just suffered for 9 years in an abusive marriage. You can get out, you don't have to put up with this unacceptable behavior! If there is anything Alanon has taught me in the last 3 weeks it is that I am worthy of respect from myself and every one else. Take care of you and your kids! Protect yourself. I went through 9 years of abuse, and he wasn't an alcoholic, it was just his nature that was mean. Go to alanon, a women's center for help, friends, family.... You are not alone! ((((HUGS)))))
So sorry that you and your children are living in such a manner. I really can't imagine what you are going thru. I guess I would ask myself " what are you getting out of this relationship". Make a list... where is the happiness? What honestly does your b/f bring to the table, what does he have to offer you? These are just some of the things I would be asking myself. And what effects is it having on your children. I am sure you would be horrified if you son treated a woman the way your b/f treats you. And equally as horrified if your daughter picked a man like your boyfriend cause you want the best for your children. Do you want the best for yourself You deserve love and happiness. You are worthy of someone who will put you before the bottle. I sure wish you the best in your recovery
I just want to add to the encouragement for you to get to some Al-Anon meetings... face-to-face ones. You will find support and strength.
I can tell you from my experience, as far as the disease is concerned, you can do nothing right. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. It wants a fight and will find ANY reason to instigate one and continue it.
I learned that if I didn't want to continue with the fighting, I needed to change myself and how I reacted to the abuse. I couldn't wait around to see if maybe he would change. I heard often in here "don't take up the dance". And that's what I'd do every time I would take the disease's bait and participate with it with its abuse. On the rare occasions where I decided not to pick up the dance, it left the disease confused and foundering... now all it had was itself to blame for its problems.
Get to a face-to-face meeting. Attend at least six before you decide if this program is for you or not. If you decide you can get something from it, find yourself a sponsor and start working the steps. Your life depends on it.
I can certainly understand all the grief, anger and upset you have. I lived and breathed that for years. I had some idea that that I could "fix" the alcoholic and some measure of the problems were attributable to me. I walked around on eggshells with the ex A who could tantrum in a second.
The change for me was not in circumstances it was to really start to work on this program. Detaching was a huge task for me. I had to do it minute by minute. I had to take the focus off him and put it on me and my needs. I had to stop obsessing about what he was going to do next. I had to focus on responding rather than over reacting (which was normal for me). All of that took tremendous energy, focus and I needed support to get there. You can certainly find the support, care and relief within al anon. I know I was on this board for a long long time before I was even willing to look at the tools. My error was to focus on that the ex A needed to change. What needed to happen was that I needed to change. The ex A went on to get worse and worse but the catastrophes he created did not destroy me. I had alternatives.
I hope you will give al anon a try. I find living one day at a time really essential for not obsessing, catastrophizing and worrying. Today is all I have. I do the best I can today and work on doing better the next day. Every day I get ample chance to practice tools and ways of relating I had no idea about before.
Thank you all for your heartfelt and kind advice. Really, truly appreciate the feedback and keeping my sanity above water.
Recently attended a f2f meeting again and slowly, slowly trying to bring back the confidence and courage of not only understanding this disease and the hurt it brings to the ones you love, but also to try and bring back the self-esteem, backbone, strength and having faith to trust in myself that I am doing the right thing and convincing myself that I am worthy for who I am.
Thank you for being here for me, listening and understanding.
