The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am hurting a lot right now. On July 1st my exAbf told me he is seeing someone. We have been broken up for 3 years but have remained best friends and neither of us has seen anyone seriously. We have hung out once in the past three weeks. I told him I needed to be distant to have time to adjust to this new turn of events. He understands. I feel like I have lost both my best friend and the hope of us seeing each other again. I am simply devastated. I have gone from talking to him everyday for the past 4 years to talking to him once in 3 weeks.
He talked about getting back together last year but I told him I could only do that if we put everything on the table, i.e. the lying and all of the other stuff that comes from the drinking. He didn't have a response to this except that we didn't talk about getting back together again.
I am, of course, now racked with doubt whether I made the right decision. The intellectual side of me knows that living with the craziness has and will destroy me. I realize that alcoholism is a progressive disease. I remember when we first started dating he went on a diet and cut the drinking down and was an amazing new boyfriend (i.e. called everyday, etc.). But after about 4 months he started accusing me of cheating on him. I thought it was just because his old girlfriend cheated on him.
But he is "happy" right now. He has a beautiful, wonderful woman, who he grew up with, who all of his friends and family loves. She used to date one of his old friends who ODed many years ago. I know we are not suppose to focus on the alcoholic but he does not seem that messed up to me. He is happy. Definitely happier than me right now.
I want that happiness that he has, as crazy as that sounds. I haven't dated anyone in three years. I really would like that closeness again. Everyone I know has a partner. Please understand I have always been independent, perhaps even too much so. I have gone 8 years without a boyfriend. (I am 39). So it is not like I can't be on my own. I just am happier with someone I love.
I'm sorry you're hurting, and I don't know you, but lady, I'm proud of you! Why?
From your post, you have clearly understood your own needs (wanting a relationship where the alcohol isn't left unaddressed to destroy it later) and you stood up for them. That's something many of us struggle with.
Yet, I also hear you second guessing. That's one of the impacts of alcoholism. We begin to lose faith on our "inner voice" and we self doubt. I think that inner voice is HP. When I go to alanon, I learn approaches to listen to my HP and help me to think more clearly. I hope you will treat yourself to growing even stronger than you already are?
Sorry your relationship took a different turn then you might have expected.
Sometimes it has been my experience that we hold onto things and relationships because we dont want to move on because were not sure of the future.
It has been my belief that alcoholics will grab onto something exciting for the moment. Their moments of happines or what they think is happiness are fleeting. Happiness is not relative or dependent on a relationship, or new job, new car . Happiness comes from within and has nothing to do with anything outside of ourselves. How do you know that he is happier than you.? Our happiness shouldnt depend on being with someone.
I have found that if we concentrate and work on ourselves, connect with your hp and shine, you will attract the best partner.
Wishing you strength courage and wisdom, Luv, Bettina
Pretty much every alcoholic I know can put up a great image. The ex A who I was involved with certainly could.
I know what it is to be lonely want to be "known" and feel that everyone in the world has.
For me one of the real challenges of this program is to really work on wanting what I have rather than what I think everyone else has. That called for me to make every day an act of faith. I know if I keep making the next right thing happen then my life will get progressively better.
There is always a crossroads for all of us. I decided to cross that line from "looking" good to "feeling" good. I can't say that its an easy road but I no longer doubt my decisions, feel everyone else has and I never will.
The tools of the program can help you tremendously. For me not knowing what the exA was doing was essential. He could put up such a great image I would be convined in a minute that iw as all "me". I could also really buy into the pretty pictures that are out there.
If this new girlfriend has already dated someone who O'Ded she certainly has her issues because that experience must be life shattering. She may look great, be loved by all, be in great happiness but she's now chosen another alcoholic to be involved with. Generally that does not bode well for the future. If you dig deep enough you can see what's real and what's the camaflage your A is putting out. Many A's in early recovery ditch their relationships and make that the issue, of course it isn't. If you don't have a copy of Getting them Sober please get one.
Thanks for your responses. I appreciate them. I am trying to keep busy and be around people as I am feeling super lonely and lost. I do have Getting Them Sober and find it very helpful.
I am hurting a lot right now. On July 1st my exAbf told me he is seeing someone. We have been broken up for 3 years but have remained best friends and neither of us has seen anyone seriously. We have hung out once in the past three weeks. I told him I needed to be distant to have time to adjust to this new turn of events. He understands. I feel like I have lost both my best friend and the hope of us seeing each other again. I am simply devastated. I have gone from talking to him everyday for the past 4 years to talking to him once in 3 weeks.