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Thank you for your support and advice. I dont know what I will do but I pray for the strength to do as I need for myself and the children I am raising. I hear that I'm not responsible for my son being an alcoholic but I find that hard to swallow as in the literature I have read I know that environment can help contribute to alcoholism. I was raised by an alcoholic and no I dont drink at all. Unfortunately my brother is now an alcoholic, so I do feel that I helped my son become an alcoholic by staying with an alcoholic. I have four children and raised them all together. My first born is an alcoholic, my daughter is married to an alcoholic, my third child drinks and smokes marijuana, is he an alcoholic? I dont think so but I do know he is only 20 and has been to jail twice for underage possession. So yes I think he has a problem at least. My fourrth child does not smoke drink or anything. I take their ages into account as they went through things and look back. I believed that I was doing good by them as I did not drink....lol.....I'm sorry but I haave to take part of the blame as their mother for how they turned out just as I take pride that they all graduated high school. I realize as adults we all make our own choices but as children, our parents do. I chose to stay with an alcoholic and now my children show the consequences of that choice. Maybe if I had went to al anon when they were young or put them in alateen, they would have made better choices. My truth is that I did nothing but allow them to grow in dysfunction and the craziness of alcoholism. How can anyone say I hold no blame? I do and I think learning to forgive myself is a start but I am guilty of what I helped instill into them. So stay or leave as you choose but please lets not say that our choices wont impact our children....they do and they are our responsibility...sorry I just believe this to be true as I have read all I can to try to understand and it all says it and shows the consequences. Yes some will be lucky as I am and not become adddicts but will they marry one or raise one....it iis possible. I guess the bottom line is to be sure that you are as healthy as you can be so that you can help them grow to be as healthy as you can regardless of the addict in their life....and remember that our decisions today will and can be their map tomorrow..
I also was raised by alcoholic, married a few, don't drink at all.....
My 17 yr old is a bio child of alcoholic/addict parents. I adopted her at age 3. She was always in church, never saw smoking OR drinking in the home. She was told of her adoption reasons and knows CLEARLY the consequences of using.(her bio father is in prison for life for MURDER while smoking CRACK) Her bio mother left her with her bio father because she would rather use than be a mother.
SHE chose to experiment with drugs and alcohol... she chose to sneak out at night and party for almost 2 yrs before we finally caught her. She KNEW what crack did to her father and mothers lives but chose drugs ANYWAY.
I adopted her to give her a life other than what she had as an infant. SHE chose differently than what I had hoped.
It's the old arguement nature vs nuture...
Do I regret adopting her? NO WAY... but I am sad that it seemingly didn't help her make better chioces........
just my esh..... blessings, donna/adonaisgirl
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One Day at a Time I am POWERLESS but not HOPELESS Be sure to BREATHE and SMILE!!!
I left my AH when our son was under the age of 2. He was not raised in a home with aism. He still is an A. It is a genetic disease. My father was an A and all of my siblings, including myself, have some form of addiction. Thank God mine is not alcohol or drugs.
There really was nothing you could do to change their biochemistry. Maybe growing up with it might have caused some other issues but not the disease itself.
Please stop blaming yourself. We all do the best with what we have and know.
I, too, went through a lot of guilt early in my recovery. Finally, my sponsor convinced me that my HP forgives me. And if my HP forgives me, and I refuse to.... am I not playing God?? I must think I know better than God...!
I forgive my parents for the alcoholic home I grew up in because I know they did the best they could, they really did. And I know that as a parent, I did too. Even the alcoholic laying in the gutter is doing the best he can.
The very best mother I can be to my children today, is to just keep working on my own recovery... right where I am, one day at a time. I stopped mourning what could have been, and gratefully stand in the light of day. It is a gift. And by looking back, I am not focused on the gift.
I am convinced that your HP is inviting you to let it go ((Angella)) Get quiet with your HP, and you will know.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
((((Myself))) I so feel your pain and I am so sorry for your suffering. Alcoholism is a horrible, progressive disease and can be fatal if left to its own devices. I have been married to my AH for 32+ years, have 2 grown children, and 4 grandchildren. I seldom have a drink and with all that I have gone through, do not desire any. I have grown from wanting to smash ANYTHING that LOOKED like an alcoholic drink. My two grown children will drink socially, but not often. They have seen first hand what drinking can do and the suffering it causes. My point in all this rambling? I don't feel that your children's choices are your fault. We teach our children the best we are able. We teach them right from wrong and to make good choices. But the truth of the matter is, that they don't come with a manual. We all just do the best we can. Once they reach adulthood, we can offer advice but they are grown and responsible for their own choices. I believe the best gift that you can give them at this point, is to begin YOUR journey of getting well. I have heard that by the time my AH went to his first rehab, I (family members that live in the insanity) are actually sicker than they are. I was actually helping to destroy my husband when I thought I had to "help" him. I understand that these are your children but you will be more help to them when you are "well" than now. This program DOES work if you work it, sucks if you don't. Give it a try.. It's given me my life back.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I hear your pain and understand exactly what you are saying.
Alanon states that changed attitudes can aid recovery. I know many of my attitudes needed to change but I had no idea how to do tht. Alanon has taught me that placing "Blame" is a destructive tool of this disease. It acomplishes nothing but establishes "Guilt " in the person blamed.
I now choose to assume responsibliity for a my part in a situation and then decide what I can do to change my interaction to one that is constructive.
Attending alanon meetings, learning all I could about this disease, using new constructive tools provided by this program helped me to grow and change and interact with the alcoholics in my family in a more loving constructive way.
One of the big alanon tools that I have used continually is to eliminate blame, judgement and criticism of myself and others from my thinking. I do it One Day at a Time,thru the serenity prayer and focusing on myself and my inner thought. Changed atttitudes do aid recovery.
One of the al anon tools I have used (with the instruction of my sponsor) is to look at the positive as well as the negative. While I can certainly be frustrated by alcoholics, I do know one or two who are very nice people. They are ill, they need treatment. I try not to judge them for not accessing the treatment.
I used to assume all the blame for many things in my life. I no longer do that. I have my part. I also know that up until now I absolutely did the best I could. I tried really hard. I got help, I looked at resources. The al anon program took me a while to get hooked into. When I did my life shifted. The outside is still very much the same, I live around active alcoholics, I work among addicts (functional ones), my family have many many issues. What shifted was my inside. I no longer think that I have to solve it all!
Every day I count my blessings. I am alive, sane (which was not the case many a time with an active alcoholic), functional, well (at the moment) have a roof over my head, enjoy certain things and have a future. I had no future when I was looking at the negative side. I saw life as a real drudge, completely overwhelmed and depressed.
At some point people become adults and make choices, what their choices are I have very little control over. I can certainly choose how I respond to them. My family of origin certainly contributed substantially to my predilection for choosing the wrong people to both work with, be friends with and marry. At some point I started to take responsibility for my life and my life alone. Then I started to be able to let those around me be responsible for theirs.
some thoughts on this: 1. If you'd divorced, could you be sure that YOu'd have gotten full custody and he'd have not visitation? If not, you'd have to risk their health and well being every time they visited "Dad". You're being around may have helped more than you know (more on that later). 2. Any research I've seen seems to indicate a strong genetic component. At the very least you'll never know if staying caused the alcoholism or if it would have happened anyway. 3. You may have done more good than you realize. They all graduated HS...I'm sure that had something to do with you. And someday when they find recovery (they're still pretty young) it will also be because of your example. 4. Doesn't your husband deserve plenty of blame here...I mean you're quick to fault yourself, but let's get real...what was HIS role in all this (not that I want you to blame him but, how can you only blame yourself? At worst you get 50% blame...more likely 10% if any. 5. You don't know the impact of your own recovery on their lives now and in the future....the better you are doing, the better they are likely to do. Not that you can control them, but you'd be in a better position to help when they finally ask for it.
Being an addict is from genetics. There are definite known markers in our dna that show if we have a high or low chance of having the disease.
Also the more markes you have the worse the disease is.
No one can choose to be an addict. They can choose to abuse drugs, alcohol included but that does not make them as addict.I can choose to abuse eating cheesecake, but that does not make me an addict.
As addict has symptoms like having MS has symptoms. They are born with certain characteristics. Selfishness, manipulative, dishonest, insecure, low blood sugar is more prevalent in addicts, they don't love themselves, the concept alludes them. I have seen hundreds of people in my time, who came from great homes. They were addicts, they partied as kids, many, many are dead now from using and not able to stop.
You did not put a funnel in anyones mouth and make them drink , or tie them up and make them smoke or stick a needle in their arm. The disease has 100% responsibility.
Yes a good home matters, parents not using etc. If the addict ever gets to a point THEY are ready to get on a program of recovery they have a much better chance staying on their program. They do have a foundation of responsibility, love, honesty to build on.
If they were never taught that, they have a much tougher time.
I take zero responsibility for my sons going off on drugs for awhile. My kids were always my priority. They were and are my passion.
I do take responsibility for dragging my son into survivor backpacking in the Blue Mountains for 3 weeks with only needs, zero wants. I take responsibility for my dumb daughter taking too many caffeine pills, she immediately came to me at work and I took care of her and said, "Hey be glad you got an early lesson and this wasn't LSD or mesculine or speed!
She never touched drugs again. Neither smoke or drink. Both are educated, on their own, active with the earth, good people.
But they drove me nuts as teens like they all do.
YOU know how you raised them.
As far as a A husband, my ex's father was the wort abuser you could think up. The mom in her younger years was a very good mom. Her three kids were fine until party age.
One did kick it all and worked for the governor, great home and vehicles. daughter is a meth addict. ex, he was on a great program of recovery, partly becuz he had moms foundation of love and integrity, honesty. brain surgery took it all away.
But all of them worked, were clean cut, did their best to be "normal." Was a drive for them as much as their being addicts.
Believe me all the good you gave is still in them. love,debilyn
The way I look at it is: we have always been doing the best we could. And we all have a tendency to find things to beat ourselves up about. The past is a great thing for that because it can't be changed. So we can beat ourselves up forever.
Who knows what your son would have been like with a different upbringing? The fact is that his current state is HIS responsibility NOW. Blaming anyone else won't get him healthy -- if it did, I'm sure you'd let him blame you from now till kingdom come. But blame doesn't do a bit of good. If only we could take complete responsibilty for everything, then maybe we could fix everything. But we can't and we can't. His life is his.
I think maybe the best thing we can do for our kids is to let them see what living a healthy life looks like. When he's your age, do you want to see him consumed with self-blame for his past imperfections? Or would you like him to be able to move forward and live a joyous and serene life? Which can you model for him?
Just my opinion. I grew up in an alcoholic home, swore I'd never be like my mother and drink. Well, we already know where that went - out the window. After 20 years of drinking, I ended up in AA and sobered up. My daughter was 5. I was a single mother, my daughter went with me to AA functions, meetings, and the whole nine yards. She never saw the insanity of the disease. Today, she is 27. She moved back into my home after leaving an abusive man. I gave her time to get it together, she didn't, I asked her to move out tonight, packed her things, put them on the porch and went to a meeting. My daughter is very, very sick. Dealing drugs, doing drugs, putting those things before herself, her children, anything and everything. Am I to blame? Nope? Genetically, sure, but hey, I can't do anything about that. Do I question my role? Of course I do, but to beat myself up for it? I can't. I love her enough to let her go. I love me enough to know I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.
My two grown children will drink socially, but not often. They have seen first hand what drinking can do and the suffering it causes. My point in all this rambling? I don't feel that your children's choices are your fault. We teach our children the best we are able. We teach them right from wrong and to make good choices. But the truth of the matter is, that they don't come with a manual. We all just do the best we can. Once they reach adulthood, we can offer advice but they are grown and responsible for their own choices. I believe the best gift that you can give them at this point, is to begin YOUR journey of getting well. I have heard that by the time my AH went to his first rehab, I (family members that live in the insanity) are actually sicker than they are. I was actually helping to destroy my husband when I thought I had to "help" him. I understand that these are your children but you will be more help to them when you are "well" than now. This program DOES work if you work it, sucks if you don't. Give it a try.. It's given me my life back.