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First let me explain.. My mother has some money that she has on occassion given to my daughter and children in advance when they needed something and said it was part of their inheritance. Although recently my mother doesnt seem to generous with it but she can be a softie when someone presents a situation. My daughter came to me yesterday and asked me to ask my mother for $1000 for her rent. I immediately said, "are you kidding" she hasn`t been giving out money lately. My mother has bailed her out of numerous situations in the past. This time I`am feeling mixed feelings. I feel guilty I haven`t even asked my mother. Because she probably will say yes. I on one hand want her to suffer the consequences of her behaviours. On the other hand. Do I want my grandaughter to be homeless? No! Any advice?
I understand your position. This request by your daughter is called triangulation and is a very common way to communicate in alcoholic families. It is very destructive. Alanon has taught me how important it is to have clear responsibilities and obligations.
If your daughter needs money, I see no problem with HER asking her grandmother for it. Making you the go between, she eliminates the difficulty of telling Grandma she is in trouble and asking for help. It also makes you responsible for her getting her rent paid.
Not an easy position to be in. I would step aside and allow the daughter to "experience" the consequences of her actions.
I have a brother who had been financially rescued by my mother up until two years ago (he is 51). He is lost! He has never learned how to manage money. Had my mother stepped aside years and years ago (or he had not asked for money and learned how to manage what he earned), he would most likely be full of self-esteem, respect, ect. because he took on his responsibilities. Right now, depression is written all over his face. Very sad situation.
This doesn't sound like the first incident for your daughter. Do you want this cycle to continue?
I have learned to step aside and allow my brother to figure out why he is in financial ruins. I think I'm giving him a gift by doing so.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I agree with Hot Rod and Gail. What's worked and hasn't worked for them and others...ES&H.
Sometimes we have to be strong enough not to help. Reading between the lines of your post it seem your Mother has been backing away from the "inheritance in advance" idea. Whether that was a conscious or unconscious decision on her part it should be respected.
I am reminded of a something my Grandaddy told me years ago and I have never forgotten. He told me "Everyone has to kill their own snakes". I was young at the time and did not understand exactly what he was trying to tell me. As I got older I realized it was his way of telling me that everyone had to solve their own problems. There-in could be the answer to your decision.
When I have in the past enabled someone directly or indirectly all I was doing was trying to save someone from themselves, and in most cases I never liked the feeling in my gut afterwards.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 24th of July 2010 12:26:45 PM
I don't like putting you in the middle at all. I know it's a tough call, but suggest you listen to all the various suggestions here, and most of all listen to yourself. Maybe hand daughter a how to budget book?
I know it's all hard ! Try to reduce the problem to Keep It Simple. By the way, I would guess grandma's money will run out one day; then what?
Gosh what great feedback you've received...read it slow and hold it up to the light of the Serenity Prayer especially that part of the light that starts with "the courage..."
Money doesn't solve the problem or cure the disease. I've never seen it happen and have gone against that wisdom more than a couple of time myself. Money isn't a cure and you can read all the past post about the thousands and thousands that other have throw at it for different purposes only to find the hand of the enabled addict reaching our for more. When we step in to rescue they stop trying to be responsible. (hear echos here). What helps the addict is Tought Love which is often a tough situation on the lover. When you step out you let God take over however you perceive God to be. There always is a time to let go with the awareness that when you do there is a power greater than yourself taking over.
I learned that when appropriate "no" is a complete sentence.
Thanks everybody for the imput... I`am afarid if she went directly to "my mother" , well she would most defiantely get the money she needs. My mother is a chronic enabler. She may be talking stingie but all she has to do is hear a sob story from the A and shes a push over. She has crippled my A brother who is 50 and can`t live without seeing her daily. It doesnt matter how much money my daughter could make its her addictive behavior that keeps her poor and not able to handle money. I agree completely with those of you who feel she needs to figure this out for herself. I really hope she can.. Thanks again for words of wisdom and support.
I don't envy your position at all But I have to agree that if your daughter needs money she obviously knows how to ask for it. You can't control wether her grandmother gives her the money or not but you can remove yourself from the equation. Ours A's are very adept at getting what they want It doesn't mean we have to help or enable them in thier pursuit God Bless in your recovery
Seems daughter is out on her own. That means she pays her expenses without relying on Grandma or anyone else but herself. Let her find her own way. I assume and hope your door is open in case she cannot make it. No need to toss her to the streets.
Good luck,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
