The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As usual when I came here a few weeks ago I was looking for a magic fix for my A adult son. So far when I post on the board your so disappointethat I don't go to no f2f meetings. I appreciated all the responses on the board. Im reading the brochures, sayings and all. when I go to the online meetings, I don't feel welcome-then after meeting little "clickes" of veteran members chat- I'll go back but can never talk what I feel. But if not me if it works for one person who is hurting -you have alot to be proud of. Because I'm really hurting. My husband who doesn't drink and can handle it when he does -doesn't beleive in aa or al-anon. Thinks son could just stop. Tonight when I even try to talk to him about this or son etc. he gets real mad. So I am alone in trying to get son to recovery and me educated on al-anon -but to tell you the truth if might be easier for me to drop off the face of the earth!
I hear your pain and frustration, and, I understand. You are not alone.
I have come to learn (on a long road and the hard way) that even my best wishing cannot change things to my liking. I realize now that I am powerless over most things.
So many times I had dark moments and felt I'd be better off not here, but, the truth is, I would botch the process and I'm way too much of a chicken.
I, too, did not have good first experiences with f2f, but I am considering returning. I know that everyone at a f2f has much hurt, pain, and anger. It is healthy for me to realize that I am not alone. I think if I continued where I was attending, eventually, I would feel less and less like a stranger or outsider. Truthfully, looking back, I think I was in such crisis and that uncomfortable with myself that was what was holding me back from learning what the alanon tools are. I am a late bloomer!
Coming here and also attending the MIP chat room are great first steps. I have been coming here a year now, and, I am a very different person today than I was a year ago... or even a month ago. I feel like I am learning life skills by practicing and becoming familiar with the alanon tools.
It is too late for me to work my program and be with my exha as I started my alanon program too late; but, perhaps, in your case there is hope for your marriage. In any case, there is hope.
I am glad you are here and taking your first steps towards something better. By coming here and working the program, miracles do happen- maybe not the way we wish them to, but they do happen.
You are always welcome to come to the chat room here and join in the twice daily meetings as well as open chat. Please bring a little patience along with you because the conversations in open chat change all the time.
I will not try to talk you into going to f2f meetings. That is entirely up to you.
Yes, a lot of conversations are going on in the chat room outside of meetings. You are always welcome to come to chat and share. There are a lot of great people on there.
There isn't much you can do to get your son into recovery. That will be his choice, as harsh as it sounds.
We all care about each other here and you are part of this family for as long as you wish to be a part of it.
I understand the feeling of coming to alanon and expecting a miracle!!!. I know when I walked in the rooms I came to find out how to make my husband stop drinking and seek recovery. I had tried EVERYTHING ELSE and had no where else to go. I felt cheated when I was told that I ws powerless of this disease and that Alanon would give me new constructive tools to build my life. I did not want to hear that!!!
I knew my life would be better if HE stopped drinking.!!!
One of the big problems I had when living with this diease is that I isolated. I could not connect with people and choose to be alone and figure out how to get my way.
I did feel better after a meeting even if I did not ""Like" anyone and did not speak. I kept an open mind and listened and learned.
This is not an easy program. We are in pain and want a solution immediately. The answer is if we try using this program we do learn how to feel better even if the situation at home does not change.
Please do not give up. Post your pain here and we will answer.
PLease keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 20th of July 2010 11:17:58 PM
Aloha Okwitt...The miracle comes sometimes sooner and sometimes later but it comes. Don't give up cause when you do you chance to miss two things...one is the miracle and the other is a step up in hope or as some say "a greater leap of faith".
Hotrod tells it as I experienced it in my very early Al-Anon meetings. It was the very first promise the program gave me that came true for me and how very very grateful I became for it. At the ending of your next face to face meeting listen for this promise "If you keep and open mind, you will find help." You have to get and keep and open mind and then your life will change. Your life certainly not your husbands or sons because this is your recovery and they are not with you on it. This is your journey and you get to travel it with a lot of us.
Keep doing what has been suggested...practicing patience is a major doing... keep checking in and participating...practice open mindedness which for me mean't clearing out "my" clutter from my head and letting others in the program bring me new thoughts and perspectives. They were the ones that knew recovery and I didn't and I wanted what they had so bad.
I'm sorry you have had a rough time here. I assure you are part of this family. Yes, we are a bit disfunctional (that's why we're here) but you have our unwavering support. This program can be a bit overwhelming. It was for me when I first came here. Take it bit by bit. Go at your own pace. Some dive right in, while others dip their toes in. Whatever works for you. Take what you like & leave the rest.
Before I went into the chat rooms, I posted here. Somehow that felt a little safer. I did make my way to meetings and they do help. Again you have to do it your way. I am not disappointed that you are not doing things the way some people think you should. You do it your way.
Recovery is about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. The beauty of recovery is that you can restart it any time you so choose. Don't give up on us. There's a reason this place is called Miracles in Progress. You'll find your way. We'll be right here for you. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and just a touch of humor (good for the ). Please keep coming back to us. I look forward getting to know you. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Please do not give up. I have been exactly where you are - pain, despair and frustration were constant in my life. It still takes a hold of me sometimes.
Al-anon was overwhelming for me at first too. It's hard going into someplace where you don't know anyone and bare your soul. However, as someone else said, you have to keep an open mind, and you go at your own pace. You may be surprised...I've made many good friends in Al-anon. In fact, I'm meeting a group for dinner tonight - we do that every Wednesday then go to a meeting. I've been in Al-anon for almost a year.
Just know that all of us understand and can relate to what you're going through, and will give you support when even your closest family members can't - simply because they just do not understand this disease and ramifications it has on EVERYONE involved.
Keep coming back. I can honestly say that this program and the fellowship have saved my life.
Oh dear - I am sorry for what you are going through. Virtual recovery (via the PC) can be difficult. As valuable as the chat room is, I find it takes some effort to get some attention and the conversations hard to follow if there are many in the room.
No offense to the chat room at all, many of our members LOVE it and rightfully so, but I have always found chat a challenge for me.
There are no expectations here for you to go to meetings and no one is taking it personally or judging you if you don't. We are simply letting you know what worked for us. The lovely thing about this program is that you can take what you like and leave the rest. A custom tailored program to help you heal and find peace.
Please keep coming back, we consider you a part of the MIP family. We are here to help you. We might not always say what you want to hear - and there are no magic cures - for you or your son. Recovery takes work. But - here is a group of folks who love you from the start and want you to get better. All you have to do is show up and share your heart with us. Even if what is there is pain, hurt, and frustration, we understand and are here to help and give you what worked for us. It can be baby steps. Perhaps you come and just vent and we share what worked . . . and you take one lovely nugget from that and give it a try and you learn something from it. You don't have to dive right in, take it at your own pace.
Yours in recovery,
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I re-read your previous posts, and quite honestly can't see that there is much, if any, "judgment" of you and/or your situation. We all feel for you, as we love & care for each other....
Please don't read this as judgment either - I recognize it well - I used to play the "victim" role for far too long, and I suppose it was all a part of my recovery process..... The tide turned for me, when one of my ex-AW's counsellors was having a chat with me.... She was finally in a treatment facility, and was starting the long process towards her sobriety, and he had asked me if there was anything I wished to speak to him about... I told him that "part of me just wanted her to drink again, so I could be done once and for all, and leave the marriage honorably, etc".... I was most likely expecting some type of "poor Tom, it must be tough" kind of response, but he told me:
"of course you do - that way you can continue to blame your wife for everything that is wrong in your life, and not take personal responsibility for anything!"
Well, I was.... he was...... so incredibly right...
All a part of the growth & recovery process, and I truly hope you will keep coming back.... You are - as we all are - both a "work in progress" as well as a "miracle in progress"
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
continue to come here and to chat , yes some of us are freinds but were always willing to listen to a new commer all u have to do is ask to share and we will listen .. grasping the idea that there is nothing u can do about the alcoholic in your life is tough , i remember it well after exausting myself for yrs some one said to me Write down everything u have tried to stop the drinking , the number of times u sat up all nite trying to reason with the alcoholic , if you find one thing that worked for anymore than a week she promised she would leave me alone I got a short list of things I had tried and failed one more time and knew that I had nothing to loose by trying what this program suggested.. perhaps your looking for some one to tell u how to fix your son *advice * we really try not to give any . The only person who has an answer for your sons drikning is him and he obviously isnt ready to listen yet .. Love him and let him go , allow him the dignity to live his life the way he chooses (hardest thing I have ever done in my life ) step aside they told me so God could get at him. I aslo encourage people to go to real meetings we need support with skin on it sometimes , someone who can answer the phone on a bad day or meet for coffee just when your sure your gonna loose your mind.. thinking of you Louise
I don't think anybody is judgmental if you can't attend f2f meetings - not everyone has the ability. There are multiple people here on the board that can't. It may just be that someone who suggests f2f meetings to you hasn't been on the board in a while and hasn't read your previous posts where you say you can't attend - and therefore you keep getting the suggestion to go. That falls into a saying we have here - "take what you like and leave the rest." If you find something someone says helpful, try it out! If not, it may be something you'll remember later in your recovery to try or something you decide you're never trying. All that is okay. There is no one-size-fits-all program here.
I have not tried the chat feature here - I'm on the board sporadically and have to get off just as sporadically. I am sometimes able to be on the board a lot and reply to lots of posts, and sometimes I go weeks in between and then there are posts I never get to read. I don't think I've responded to any of your posts yet, but it's not personal - my life is just crazy.
Have you read the book Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews? If not, it may be something helpful - it helped me, in any event. It's written in plain English and is an easy read. That helped me. I don't always understand the books that are written from more of a scientific approach.
I was once at the point where I didn't understand anything and nothing was sinking in. It was like I had a water resistant coating or something, and everything just bounced off. It took a while before things started to click. If that is happening for you, rest assured it does not make you the worst case scenario - it makes you very normal. :) I don't have an alcoholic child that I am aware of yet - my boys are 9 and 9 months - but I have an alcoholic mother, ex husband, and current husband. Although our stories may be different, I bet we've experienced many of the same feelings.
The beauty of recovery is that you can restart it any time you so choose. Don't give up on us. There's a reason this place is called Miracles in Progress. You'll find your way. We'll be right here for you. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and just a touch of humor (good for the 
). Please keep coming back to us. I look forward getting to know you. Much love and blessings to you and your family.