Hello.

I read your bio before replying to this and I hope that I can give you some ray of hope in the midst of all this. I think that you might be caught in a pattern of sorts.

I was in the same situation for well over a year with this guy. We weren't really dating at all, but we were close and he was an a-hole to me, long story short, it didn't work, lol. But he had a very addictive personality. He drank, smoked pot, did drugs (not a lot, but...enough) and I got many phone calls at 4am asking me to come find him and save him. Overall, in hindsight, I see that he was mentally/emotionally and borderline physically abusive towards me. But I can't tell you how many times I wanted to call him back to see if he was okay. And I can't tell you how many times we came into contact and it ended up badly within a day or a matter of weeks. Letting him back in my life those few times at the beginning of this year was one of the worst things I could have done but eventually I let him go for good after a bad fall out where I had enough of his behavior/manipulation. I've almost run into him a time or two and I get very anxious about it..having panic attacks and everything.

But yes. I do know what you're going through with missing him, wanting to have a chat...but if you're in a cycle then a chat will lead to hurt feelings. Missing him might lead to him not missing you or just taking advantage of the fact that someone misses him. So don't call him. If he's in the recovery phase like you say he is and he's working the steps (even if he backtracks a few dozen times) eventually he'll get to the point in the Twelve Steps where he'll have to make amends with people and hopefully you will be one of them. Once that is done, maybe both of you will be to a point in your lives where you can be civil or even more than civil and build a stable friendship for a while. Maybe grow into an even more stable relationship in time. But don't try to go for that now. Just let him go and in time maybe you two will come back together in some way or another. From what I read on your bio, the relationship started with a big hidden secret of him not telling you about his recovery/addiction status. That's not a solid foundation. Maybe once he gets through the steps and gets to the part where he can make amends, there will be a clean slate that presents itself and you can start to build on a solid foundation if both of you want that. But yeah...don't call him. I know it's hard. Maybe you two have mutual friends or somebody that you can ask just to see how he is, but don't go to him directly. I'm sure once you figure out how he is you'll feel a little bit better. And if he's not doing to great, don't try to run to him and rescue him or anything. Let him hit that rock bottom and once he does so, there'll be nowhere to go but up and you'll be somewhere on the way to the top :)

I hope this helps.
S.D.

Thank you both for the advices here. I am more co-dependent than I thought I was. I expected myself to get over the breakup within a few months as he and I are co-workers (fortunately, we are not in the same group but share the same level of the offices) and he will come back to work in two months, I thought I could get myself over him before that so either of us have to find another job (the job market here is not great at the moment). So I did a lot of self-beating to myself in the last couple weeks as in my head, I am full of "I should feel better now, I should not think about him, I should not miss him and want to call him". I wish by the time he is back to work, I can act very professional and also just like a stranger to him. I know, I again act like I am controlling my feelings, do we admit that we are powerless towards our own feelings? Or we are able to control our feelings? Maybe I can start a new post about this.

Thanks for listening again.

Ada