The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday was definitely not a happy day at our house.My AH of 17 years went on a binge and came home to spread his mood around.I normally would pack the kids up and take off.I don't like to hang around and argue...because I can't get a point across to the drunk guy. Anyway...the van wouldn't start due to a dead battery,so we were stuck.As time ticked by,I realized he was going to stay home from work to continue arguing.Then I became upset because loss of jobs and financial struggles are all too common in our home. Things escalate and he punches a huge hole in the bedroom wall, the first hole in our new home.Holes and patches are horrible reminders of what is going on in my life,and the fact that I would have to wake up every morning and see this one really set me off. A quick call to the police and he was arrested on his way to his 3rd shift job.OWI number two in the last two years.We were honestly just recovering from the last one.His dad,and biggest enabler had him bailed out before I woke up this morning.He has packed his stuff and moved in with him,so peace for now. His one job has already fired him,and he has a meeting with his other boss in the morning.It really isn't looking good. Now the calls and texts are flooding in.I'm sorry...I love you blah blah blah.During this little honeymoon period after he gets in trouble he is like the old guy I met and fell in love with...BUT it never lasts.He will go to AA while on probation then as soon as it is no longer court ordered he announces he is not an alcoholic and he can handle things fine on his own. I am also pretty sure he is entering the third phase of alcoholism.He is waay to skinny,and he looks abot 60 even though he is only 41. Any thoughts on where I go from here?
Yup. To an alanon meeting!!! I'm sorry you are going thru this. I remember the merry go round all too well. Please take care of yourself and your kids. That is the first and most important thing you can do.
Welcome to MIP Disneygirl, Everything all sounds so familiar, sorry for all the drama.
You have come to the right place. Im sure your aware that alcoholism is a very serious, dangerous disease, physically , spiritually and in every other aspect of our lives.
If you can find out if there are any face to face Alanon meetings in your area and attend as many as you can. Read as much literature on the disease as you can and first and foremost take care of you. Alanon is about us, gaining strength and courage, connecting with our higher power while trying to make sense out of craziness.
Keep coming back and sharing, because the Alanon philosophy will be your saving grace.
Couldn't say it better than these two women have. Just want to say WELCOME!
You are in the right place.
We are here to offer our Experience, Strength, & Hope (ES&H) and our support and love with no judgement. We totally get it.
I am so glad you are here. We have online meetings (look at the top of the page for the link) and of course our forum is here for you 24 hours a day as well as the chat room.
Please keep coming back and sharing your journey with us. I hope you find a local meeting in your area, some do offer child care so you can take the tots with you!
I am sorry to hear things are difficult. I hope that you finding us is the first step in more serenity in your life.
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Welcome Disneygirl :) Thank you for your post and glad you found us. You have been given a lot of good suggestions here and I dont really have anything to add. I just wanted to say hey, and I hope you could join us at our on line meetings and find some f2f (face to face) meetings in your area. I think you will find the help and support you need.
Thanks to everybody who posted.I am going to look into meetings in my area.One question...my kids are 15 and 18.Would my 18 year old get more out of allateen or would alanon be better for her at this age?
-- Edited by disneygirl71 on Monday 19th of July 2010 08:10:53 AM
sounds like my first husband, I married two AH's and finally learned my lesson with the last one. He was very good to me (AH #2), but the drinking and drama, anyway, I just could't take it and drew a date on the calandar and told him that that was the day he was moving out if I did not see any AA meetings and 12 steps literature on his nite stand and his working the program.
Of course I was disappointed and I told him, "this is it. I am through with this". Alcohol is a terrible addiction. It grabs the person and does not let go, but it can through recovery.
When AH #2 left, I got into al-anon. A friend told me about it and so he brought me, literally, an armload of literature and told me to get into the meetings. I was mad. "Why ME????". I am not an alcoholic. My friend told me "Neshie, you were impacted by it. Growing up with it. Marrying it two times" I thought about that one. So I went. Resentful at first, but grateful soon after because I saw things in myself (program is always for me. Not the alcoholic) and I saw things in myself that caused me to keep "going there". I ran away from it in my family only to marry it. I also drank to be his companion and I really didn't like myself over that. So al-anon has been my saving grace. Al-anon has shown me things about myself that I never would have found out had it not been for this lovely, albeit, drinking ex-husband, whom I had to "give back to God" because I was not going to live with it again.
I am considering renting out one of my spare bedrooms and one of the rules and/or boundaries is no alcohol abuse of any kind. One offense and I will call the police and they will be out of my home. I am not entirely sure I will do this, but the extra income would come in nice.
I just will not live with it anymore. That is my choice. We each have to make our own decisions regarding what is best for us and what we have to do to take care of ourselves. I dont advise anyone to stay or leave. I chose leaving and that was right for me. He refused to get help, so it was a "case closed" affair with me. If he had gotten into the program, I might have given him one and I say one chance to work it. I know that sounds strict, but the anxiety I suffered. The worrying. The lies and excuses. I just could not. Will not repeat it
Do I miss him? Yes, the sober rendition of him, yes- The fun and laughter, eating out and all, holiday dinners, yes, but I do not miss the drinking and the drama. I would rather be alone then to live with an active alcoholic. I know some people who have been sober for years and they actually "make it" and become healthy and productive citizens. The sucessful ones stay in the program because they know they are one meeting away or one day away from slipping back into the drinking. I have a good friend who has been sober for 25 years. She is my best friend. She knows, however, that recovery is a life long job and it is for us people in al-anon because we can slip back into unhealthy patterns
I am so sorry about your situation and I hope that you get into the meetings and work the 12 steps, regularly. In the beginning, I was in meetings almost each day, now I can't find any in my area so I go on line because I have to keep myself on the right path. Life is much better for me now. My sister, I had to cut off totally from me because I will not handle her abuse. I do not have to. If I won't take it from a husband, I certainly won't deal with it from anyone else.
Al-anon has helped me become tough on one side, yet compassionate and non judgemental on the other side to myself and to others. I pray for my ex AH wherever he is to find his footing and recovery because no human being should be in the pit of alcoholism and no human being should have to live with the terror and upheaval they cause.
Good luck, dear and whatever you want to do with him. Stay or leave, I sincerely hope you take care of you first with meetings, fellowship and working the literature, particularly the 12 steps.
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Aloha Disney...from my past experience as an Alateen sponsor both of the kids will get tons out of the Alateen program and have amazing results....if there is an Alateen meeting within reach of your home. When you get to your Al-Anon meeting ask the secretary and/or the membership if Alateen is available to them. There is literature on the literature table (not a guar- antee) for the teen...look for the Red hardcover One Day At A Time in Alateen. Also Alateen is part of the Al-Anon Program...if there are no meetings at a certain time that they can get to they are members of Al-Anon and can go and do what we do. Grab your courage and go...In support ((((hugs))))
Welcome to MIP. The other posters have given you a wealth of great ideas on how to get help for you and your kids. I just wanted to add that as bad as things are right now there is hope for a better life for you and your kids. This board is full of stories of life improving for folks that embraced a recovery plan for themselves, regardless of the outcome for the alcoholic.
Welcome to MIP, DisneyGirl. What a life you live with an alcoholic. Go to face to face meetings, read the literature, get a sponsor, and keep coming back. There is a lot of experience, strenght, and hope.
Alateen is good. However, if there are no Alateen meetings as in our community. Some bring their kids to Alanon.
I lived with someone who was in the third stage for a long time. The constant chaos, legal problems, money issues and more are really really draining.
The tools of al anon gave me a great help. I made a plan be. I stopped focusing on everyone around him (How I resented them all enablers, druggies, alcoholics, family whoever) and focused on me.
The chaos was never ending, his health plummeted and the money problems spiralled. I am so glad you are in al anon. I don't think anything else would have saved me during that time. There is a chat room here and meetings here twice a day. That can give you a lift right now. Do you have the book Getting them Sober, if not there is an offer for it at the top of the page.
