The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I am a member of Al-Anon, however, new to this board.
My husband is the alcoholic who brought me to the program. He was pretty much on a 2 year bender, and has been sober for almost 8 months now. We've only been married for a little over a year, and got married in the midst of active alcoholism I know - mistake #1 !!!
However, things have been going well, or so I thought. He has a 6 yr old son who has been a source of tension in our relationship. So, we started going to counseling to help us sort through the stepfamily issues. There has also been an adjustment with him being sober and dealing with early recovery. I thought things were on the right track - my husband just said in our counseling session the other day that we have a good relationship.
Yesterday, while I was at work, I received a call from him that he had moved out of our home. I had no idea this was coming. We'd just made plans for the evening that morning. He said that he needs to establish some independence and be on his own for a while. That's all fine and good, but, I'm so angry and I feel so betrayed! He had been lying to me, knowing he was planning to move out, and he took the coward's way out and did it while I was at work.
He said he doesn't want a divorce. He just wants some time apart. I am so hurt. I really don't know how I can get past this. We're supposed to talk tomorrow. I really don't know what to do. I still love him. But, after this stunt, I don't trust him. And, I'm so angry with him. I've lost it.
Anyone else been through this? Is this normal for someone in early recovery?
Aloha Stop and Chat...this is not abnormal for an alcoholic relationship. Glad you found the door to MIP and a place to vent. If you ever get into the AA Big Book or the Al-Anon Literature and go to the index for the word fear, I believe you will be right on top of the issue. The question "What are you afraid about" asked with courtesy and compassion might be a good starting point however it is a hard point to start at with the alcoholic. The response might be nothing, I don't know, I don't understand, or everything in the world.
He snuck away...that is what fearful people do...sneak off, run, escape etc. Flight. The opposite is Fight. Might want to look at the things you are afraid of so that you can compare notes with him. Good Luck!! Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Suggest you come to our meetings and keep going to face to face meetings . It can take time to sort things out at a time like this when you are stressed out and angry.
Really it is the disease talking. It says and does what ever it needs to survive. My AHsober moved out after 30 years of marriage. He had been sober for over 20 years. This is not to scare you or discourage you but to help you see the patterns. Some go back to drinking, some do geographical moves, and some do what ours did. That is why in Alanon they tell us to focus on ourselves. It is difficult to understand why they do what they do. Sober or not. In a program or not.
That very same thing happened to me in the 26 years I was married to the XAH.
A number of times!!! One time he called me from the train station to tell me that he rented an apartment in the city and that he got a woman pregnant, which wasnt true. Im sure there was more to the story but I never investigated. We got back together.
He said he wanted to rent an apartment and drink himself to death. Without any interfering from me. That was one time and their were numerous times. Who knows what the reason is when there is alcohol involved. Moving out unexpectedly is a shock on our systems and it is a horrible abuse perpetrated on the spouse, to make us feel responsible for their disease, to make us feel that we have done something wrong. Don't fall for it. You have done nothing wrong. By the 26th year of marriage there were too many occurrences of drama, health scares, near death experiences, DUI"s , affairs, to last me many lifetimes. Even as we speak, we are separated, but he almost died last month from a ruptured esophagus and ulcers. It continues, he is sober now because he was near death and the Dr. told him if he has one more drink he will die. Thats how serious this disease is. We are just the bystanders and witnesses to their death spiral.
If you can get yourself to a face to face Alanon meeting for support. Keep coming back to the board and share your feelings. Alanon is here for you.
Hi, I went to a meeting yesterday, and going to another this morning. I usually go to at least one a week - I have a feeling I'll be going to more. :)
I'm supposed to talk all of this through with my husband today (his idea). He spent the weekend at his parents house with his son.
He said that he depends on for me everything (he does), and wants to establish some independence. That happened because he was drinking for so long that I HAD to do everything. Now, I'm having difficulty relinquishing that control because I simply do not trust him to handle things.
That said, I really don't want my marriage to end over this. However, I don't know how we're going to get through this living apart. He has done this before, in January of this year, under the same guise - establishing independence. All that happened is that we just spent a lot of money on gas - he ended up coming back. It just makes no sense to me. We were pretty much financially ruined, and are just now getting back on our feet. Now he wants to go throw money away on an apartment that we just don't really have. I've been supporting us all of this time, and now that he's making money, he wants to leave and leave me with the majority of the expenses (even though he said he would help).
Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. I guess I'm still angry.
My AH never left to express his independence, but in times of sobriety he strongly expressed his desire to take up his fair share of the household responsibilities. He expressed frustration that I was not letting him do that. I have to tell you, his words stopped me in my tracks. I had several years in alanon, and my AH was letting me know I was being very controlling, still. I looked at my own inventory, and realized he was right. I had to share the responsibilities and ask him for suggestions on how to do that. I needed to make room for him to practice his right to self determination. Yet, it was early days in his sobriety. I didn't have to blindly give up everything and close my eyes hoping for the best. I found it helpful to ask him the ways that he wanted to take back responsibility and then jointly agree to revisit it any time either of us needed to. Unfortunately we never got to go from these baby steps to strides because his last relapse took his life, but I felt strongly that it was right for us.
I wish you well when you discuss this with your AH today. As you are listening to his perspective and sharing yours, try to listen for your HP's will as well.
As long as you are having these discussions with the A when they are sober.
Sorry for the A that it has to be us in control most of the time , but that was one of my boundaries, I guess I was lucky in a way, because the A relinquished his salary to me very easily because he knew it was best for all concerned. He always had money in his pockets as he was a waiter and had plenty of tip change.
Stopandchat, your A doesnt have to move out to establish his independence. He wants to do this by renting an apartment, causing more debt for you both to prove a point.? Its not logical and doesnt make sense, unless he just wants to separate and there is more to the story. There always is with an A.
Thank you. I'm in a much better frame of mind now. Going to that meeting, the support of others from my home group, communicating on this board and praying to my higher power really helped give me strength. I have an open mind, and I will need that today.
praying that all went well with your conversation with your AH yesterday
adjusting to sobriety can be difficult for everyone ~ clear and open communication for everyone was something that helped me when I had the opportunity to live with sobriety.
Healthy Boundaries, Balance and Mutual respect were also helpful. I pray that both of you are able to share these with each other.
HUGS, Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
