The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Giving up control and not taking it personally are for me the hardest things i'm struggling with in my relationship with my sober ABF. He does not express many emotions about how he feels about me, except when i have tried to leave. So i stay, thinking this time things will be better ( I know) and usually, there is some small change. but its at a snail's pace. meanwhile. i'm trying not to take personally his need to update his facebook or twitter before responding to an email from me. i'm trying to remind myself that tomorrow i'm meeting his brother (first time, and first member of his family i'm to meet.) i dont want to put more importance on that then is neccessary, but in my head, i feel like he's wishing he didnt make this suggestion to meet him... his bro coming stresses him out. Personally, I cant imagine (as an only child) not being excited to see a sibling, but i'm trying to understand that his coldness and distraction to me over the past few days is likely from that and not about me...
anyway... i'm just venting. because i'm trying to let him feel how he feels without taking it personally that hes not emailing me back and i'm not calling or emailing him again. i am a little worried about him being in pain, honestly, but i know there's nothing i can do. that might be one of the hardest things for me to come to grips with...
You're on the right track, although I know it's hard to stay there. We know in our heads that we should release our misperceptions of control and that addiction is not a personal issue against us. We are constantly tempted to believe we have more control than we do, and we fear it might be personal.
A few years back, I did not see myself and my husband as distinct people. We were enmeshed. No wonder I had trouble seeing where I stopped and started compared to where my husband stopped and started. I did for him, I worried for him, I felt for him.......just like it was happening to me. I had become unhealthily enmeshed with him and it took a lot of painful awareness to see all the ways I was taking over for him. We did an exercise as part of a workshop, where my AH had to use other members of the group as stand-ins for his family. He had to put them in his circle (inner or outer) and describe why they were in a certain location relative to him. He placed me right beside him and when he said why, it was because I was always there for him. I began to cry and the therapist knew why. He asked me to share and I said that I'm not right beside my husband, I've taken his place. The therapist asked my husband to describe how it feels, he said it was belittling. I agreed. It still upsets me as I think about how much my actions hurt him and I, even though they were intended to help. So, I agree it's a hard lesson to let go of control and obsessing about the alcoholic, but it's definitely worth doing for both of you.
Aloha Bluerose...The title alone to your share is worth some extra thought and focus. Both philosophies are very necessary to spiritual recovery in Al-Anon.
Maybe his coldness and distance towards you are to protect you from all the evils in his head right now. Sobriety (especially if it is a new sobriety) can wake up some bad demons (memories, thoughts about yourself and what you've done etc). He probably does not want you to see that side of him since it could be shameful to him. Do his overall actions show he loves you?
