The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am checking in and trying to settle my brain to a contented quiet. I can't tell if I am shut down. I cried for months and now I am just telling myself it's ok and I don't have to decide right now.I feel sort of numb and dazed.(nothing new there lol) Except for the fact that I get so angry when I see my a/h acting in a child like manner over small things and yelling at the dogs, the lunch meat , or whatever is in his way. I then want to pack and leave at that very moment.
He doesn't yell at me, at least for the moment, because I disengaged the last few times and told him when he can speak to me like a person I would be more than happy to listen. He has currently stopped yelling at me.
Then I look at the cost of books, stethoscope, uniforms, and a car so I can go to school. I decide to stay. I am working and I will be purchasing all of it. (no car for awhile). I think I could move but then what about school? I am almost done and I wll be a nurse. If I stay at least the rent and utilities are currently paid. I don't count on much more than that. I told him if these didn't stay current I was leaving and I will. I feel like I am rambling. Sometimes I just need to put my thoughts out there. I start to feel alone and I know I am not alone. I am staying today so I can get what I need for school and then if I want to leave I will save money and go. I am a little shut down but I am finding peace in letting go. Still have to really practice this skill.It's hard. Thanks for "listening". Going to a meeting today and hope the lady I ask will be my sponser. I question if I love him,probably not him today,(the addict) I love the him I get a glimpse of every now and then. Thanks again.
Hi Miss Carol, Be gentle with yourself. Remember this is a forgiving and loving program. It takes time. So give it time. I too am a bit stuck in my situation, it's ok for now. We don't have to make any major decisions till we are ready. You are ok and working on yourself. Progress not perfection. Congrats on almost finishing school and it sounds like you are setting boundaries and are detaching. Good job!
I have been there, and I know exactly how you feel, Miss Carol.
I had to just keep giving myself time and turning my fears over to my Higher Power. Eventually my answer came. In the meantime, I just kept getting myself to meetings, kept talking with my sponsor, kept working my program.
((((Carol))))...Yeah fear is in there too...what help(ed)(s) me when I find myself fearful of the future and the present is taking the time to make a gratitude list of what I have rather than what I don't have or think I have and will loose. It also helps me make a better view of my significant other (isn't that a statement?) because she is not all negative and bad and scarey all of the time. I need to learn how to find the good and the love and then the fear gets less.
Take it one day at a time; it's all anyone of us has. (((((hugs)))))
I just saw your post and felt the need to encourage you to finish school. Although I'm having a very rough time with my AH right now, the reason that I am self sufficient and don't need him financially at all is because I went back to school, earned a master's degree and progressed in my profession. I took out student loans to do this. Do what you need to do to become self sufficient & hang in there.
I am checking in and trying to settle my brain to a contented quiet. I can't tell if I am shut down. I cried for months and now I am just telling myself it's ok and I don't have to decide right now.I feel sort of numb and dazed.(nothing new there lol)
Thanks again.
