The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i have been sober for 3+ years. i fell in love with a man in the program who had about a year and a half on me. the man i fell in love with (sober and giving back) was not the man he became. he stopped going to meetings, became incredibly resentful at everyone and everything and turned into a dry drunk. never having been the alanon in the relationship, it was all new to me. but i could not love him well. he left our relationship 2 months ago coldly, heartlessly and silently. he refused to communicate. he blamed me. i've made myself sick over the break up. how could he tell me he loved me and still wanted to be my husband not less than 2 weeks before he walked out of my life? how could he be so heartless and uncommunicative to the woman he said he loved? and on and on... finally about 2 weeks ago i did an alanon 4th step and shared my 5th step with someone. it was an amazing experience to be able to look only at my part, also notice the boundaries i did not set and start the slow process of coming to a place of forgiveness for a man sick from the disease of alcoholism. since doing the 4th and 5th i found myself crying less often and having a sense of empathy toward him. but today, i found out he actually relapsed right around the same time and picked up a 24 hour chip. i still love the wonderful man inside. the man i know is honest, kind, witty and loving. being an alcoholic myself, i know there is nothing i can do either. there is no amount of support i can give him even if he would let me. he has to find that from god and aa. the dilemma is that my heart is breaking to just hold him and tell him i love him and tell him i understand. there is no way we could get back together under these circumstances. but is it so wrong to want to comfort each other?
Aloha I love...might want to step back just a bit and put just enough distance twix you and your alcoholic so that HP can take up that space...rubbing shoulders with you and with the alcoholic. When I formed a strong relationship with my HP and included my alcoholic/addict, sponsor, family, Al-Anon Family and myself into the relationship...having to know why things happened just didn't seem necessary...I understood why and let it pass.
Good to have you here...Doubles are welcomed. I'm one and there are a few others here also. In Al-Anon I don't have to take that one angle at my drinking self ... I get to take on all the other selfs too. Keep coming back and share your journey with the new people coming up behind you and with us who need tweaking from time to time also. (((((hugs)))))
We can never 2nd guess the reasons why people do the things they do and say, especially an alcoholic. All I know is we get to accept where we are and turn the rest over to our HP. Isnt that a relief. We dont have to carry it and make it grow bigger then it is or give in to our illusion of what it was.
As Jerry expained, it gives you time to work on yourself and that HP, it has great things in store for you if we only let go. It will bring something better than you could have every imagined for yourself. In order for us to grow we must enter into that inner journey.
Keep coming back and sharing your experiences. You must have already built that inner strength, hell you kicked alcohol, this is a piece of cake. Luv, Bettina
Me too welcome I am so glad your in our program too and congrats on your sobriety/ of course its not wrong to comfort but the trick is to not loose yourself in the process . Al-Anon will show u how to do that , keep commin back go to your meetings and take care of you .. allow him the dignity to this his way. I read a little one linner a few weeks ago , A relationship is like pouring fertilizer on my defects of character , seems alot of people in our programs have this problem , for me I have to remember to do life One day at a time and that has gotten me thru 20 yrs of sobriety = my husbands sobreity . keep the focus on yourself and regardless of what he does your going to be okay.
thank you everyone. i never knew the pain my alcoholism inflicted upon the people whom i loved and loved me the most. until now. i am in so much pain and have been for 2 months now. i am scared and sad and know he has got to find the god of his understanding again and that there isnt a thing i can do to help him get there. i just want to hold him and tell him i love him in person. if it is to be it will not be in my time. i must allow him the dignity to come to it in his time; if ever. i have to pray he will be okay. he is in agony whether he is still drinking or he is going to meetings as a newcomer. i think i give myself way too much credit for his despair. its his and i didnt cause it. either way, i am in love with an alcoholic and praying for a miracle. i need to conjure up the faith i learned in the second step and try to remember the miracles--big and small. it just seems impossible tonight.
"Is it so wrong to want to comfort each other"? It's never wrong to want comfort, but sometimes we can try to get it from very dangerous places. From people who aren't equipped to be there for us, from the bottle, from drugs. From places that will make us worse rather than better. I know that craving so well. It masquerades as a healthy craving, just as alcohol tries to convince A's that a drink will make everything fine. It sounds to me as if your craving for comfort shows that you do need something very much in your life -- some serenity and peace. But every time I've gone to the wrong place for serenity, it's like pouring gasoline on fire. Hang in there and take good care of yourself.
welcome I am so glad your in our program too and congrats on your sobriety/ of course its not wrong to comfort but the trick is to not loose yourself in the process . Al-Anon will show u how to do that , keep commin back go to your meetings and take care of you .. allow him the dignity to this his way.