The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
From me to many of you, (those who wrote and those who simply read, and most important those who prayed)
To each and every person who responded to my post about the young man who died last week and was buried this weekend, my heart embraced every word you shared with me.
Intellecutally, I already knew what each of you said to be the truth, but I obviously needed to hear it many times, before my heart would become ready to truly accept it as reality. So many of your words brought a new tear to my eyes, but not one of utter sorrow and regret, but instead of tremendous gratitude.
You are all so right, I'm not God, I don't get to call the shots, or forsee the future, I am not the person in this recovery relationship, that missed the mark. I planted the seeds of recovery, and the storms of life washed them out. Alcoholic insanity took center stage, and washed out all my greatest efforts to help him find his way back.
I had to be reminded that when I accept I'm powerless over my own alcoholism, thats an inclusive admission. I'm also powerless over the alcoholism of others. When it comes to the disease of alcoholism, I'm powerless no matter what angle it comes at me at.
The common thread of what each of you said, took me to a place of peace within myself. Because of your heartfelt shares, which I truly felt as I read your words, let me know that it was okay to share openly and honestly about what and how I was feeling and thinking. Not one person said, you should have...", "you could have..." or "if only you had..."
Instead I heard exactly what I needed to hear... "you are not God", "remember the 3 C's", "Do you really believe you are that powerful?" and the one that kinda made me crinch..."Your EGO is feeding you this line of BS"...(Paraphased). All so true.
I am merely a simple seed planter. I don't even get to really examine the soil I'm planting the seed in, because what I might determine is not good soil, could very well grow a good harvest, and what I think is great soil might not spring forth even a hope.
My job is simply to plant seeds where and when I can, and then let the results rest in Gods hands. My real struggle wasn't what I did or didn't do, but what God did or didn't do. Like, "hey bud, I'm pissed off because you let one of my plants die!". I have to remember they were not mine, they never were. They were always His, even when they were only a seed. Instead I felt and responsed like a small child throwing a fit and throwing his bottle on the floor from a high chair. Any one know where Pampers are on sell this week? LOL
Many eluded to the idea, which really feed my ego that I have saved many lives, that this site, and the MIP recovery homes save so many lives. While many find their footing here or there, and start to trudge the road of happy destiny, its not me that saves anyone's life. That's God's job, I don't want it, I would literally suck at it. I tried to play that role and without a doubt, its better suited to God, not me.
The only role I get to play on this stage of life, is to help, as one among many, to plant the seeds that God provides, in whatever soil God provides. In my attempt to be a good steward of this simple little job, I get the benefit of staying sober and relatively sane, one day at a time.
Someone had to remind me that this man's death might be God's way of letting so many of us fully understand that we only get a daily reprive contingent upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition. We do not get a weekly or monthly renewable contract, based on what we did or didn't do yesterday or yesteryear. But only based in what we do or don't do today to improve our conscious contact with Him and seek knowledge of His Will and ask only for the power to carry it out.
"We can't keep it unless we give it away"... The God of my understanding which has no real religious element, but is surely of my own understanding blessed me with this person, and because I was loaned such a gift, I had another source to pass on what had been given to me, and thus his life, his living presence allowed me to live, sober, sane and happy all at one time. But it was a loan... not mine to keep.
Now he is back with that from which he came... His rightful owner, God. And I am letting go today instead of trying to rationalize and justify why I should have been able to keep him.
Darn, I might be growing up some.... this is scary and exciting at the same time! Like a kid popping his first wheelie on a bicycle... after a crash and burn, bruised knees and skin torn on my hands, with faith I aim towards the good spot in the road to pop one more and see how long I can keep the front wheel off the ground! What I learned early on is trying to defy gravity when the wheel wants to go back down doesn't work, I need to let it... with ease and grace. Instead of pout and give up trying ever again.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
I have my own gratitudes with this event that are sooo profound to this miracle of recovery. One is that it didn't take you with it and another is never turn your back on it. It is more cunning powerful and baffling than anything I've ever imagined and relapse doesn't care whose name is next on the list. Sadness always right along with the awe!! Now you can go to the front door, open it with a confident smile and ask...Next? Mahalo John...Mahalo Nui. (((hugs)))
Thank you, John, for your trust and honesty. I learn so much about myself just from listening to your own discoveries and am starkly reminded "I am powerless over alcohol... I am powerless over other people, places and things."
Recovery is a process John, by our God's grace, we are all continually growing, maturing and learning - Thank you for sharing this process you have just gone thru with us.
May you continue your path with Grace, Peace, Love and Serenity, HUGS, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
No John, THANKYOU, when I first read your post I thought John Nooooooooo you mustn't go wobbly, if you do that what hope is there for me, no pressure there thenbut so much experience strength and hope came from that post it came thick and fast from all directions, it whistled past my ears, and it was just another huge reality check, life is precious, and we are perfectly imperfect, progress not perfection that's all that we need to remember, just to keep pushing forwards, onwards and upwards, That man didn't die in vain, in death he will live on in people he never even knew, I thank god for him, and I see him smiling down on me, free from pain!
Just always know you are both always in my prayers for the wonderful people you are and the wonderful work you do by planting the seeds. Like I said before we need so many more like the two of you!!!! God Bless you Always
