The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been married to my AH for 14 years. He was a heavy drinker when I met him but so was I back then. We had fun and that was all that mattered. Nothing seemed out of control. I always had issues with his communication skills - or lack of them. He would appear paranoid about somebody and then obsess for weeks. Things festered with him. He could only show anger and selfishness. I was in denial about everything. Not long after we married I miscarried. He brought me home from the hospital and just went back to work. I was devastated. I had always been told I would never have kids and suddenly at 40 I was pregnant only to loose the baby. He told me to get over it.
In 2001 we adopted our son. Another problem arose. I realised he was really not parent material at all. During one argument he told me to send the kid back. Unfortunately those words haunt me to this day.
I stopped drinking. Just stopped one day. My son means the world to me and I realised that I wasn't feeling great some mornings. My son gets hardly any attention from AH. Any attention is normally negative attention. He will moan about me to my son when they are alone. He will drink straight from a wine box in front of my son.
My Ah drinks alone at home. I never see him fall down drunk. But he gets paranoid and is angry most of the time. He seems to think that because he doesn't go out to bars and come home paralletic every day, there is no problem. And as he says, I am the only one that has a problem with his drinking. Ummm.......
I got a protection order two years ago. He knocked me around in front of my son one day and I said ENOUGH. Spent the whole summer in a scary legal battle that cost me $16000. Never got anywhere. He made my name mud in this tiny remote town. Only a couple of people realise he has a drink problem. He has done a great job making people pity him and most seem to think it is me that is the problem. As I am not that public, they don't know me so have no idea of the truth. In the end, I let him move back in. Big mistake I know. I was so scared of what he was doing. He even had one of my friends ready to testify on his behalf. She is a psychologist. He had done his work on everybody I knew. They believed him and had no idea of what was really going on at home. Even the socail worker that did our adoption believed all that he said as she has known him for years. Oh the joys of living in such a small town.
I run my own business from home, do the parent thing alone, cook, clean, shop etc alone. IF he ever gets involved it is nothing but moaning about how I control his every move (which I can't and don't). It is my fault he drinks. Before his mother passed away he blamed his parents for everything.
My family is not in North America. I moved here alone for my AH. I feel very isolated as I have done the normal thing. Hid away to hide what was going on in the home. I have now told a few people the truth. A couple of them have told me to add their numbers to my cell in case I need them. That helps a little.....
I went to one Al-Anon meeting here. There was just one other person there. It did help though. Hearing somebody's story. Knowing I wasn't alone. But I kept thinking, my Ah isn't THAT bad. All the time knowing that if his drinking is affecting me as badly as it is, then I need to keep going to Al-Anon. I got sick and couldn't got for 3 weeks. I am going back. I have to.
Sorry that I have rambled. I needed to write it down.
Jackie
__________________
Jackie
You never know how strong you can be until being strong is the only option you have left!
So just keep your head up and keep moving forward.
Hello and welcome , and you didnt ramble we have meetings on this site in the chat room twice a day 9am and pm eastern time hope to see u there soon they are a great addition to real meetings am glad your going back - it only takes 2 people to have a meeting . Alcoholics are very convincing dont worry about what he is saying about you its all bs and you know it . functioning alcoholics eventually screw up ,trust me I know this from experience it is true they cant fool all of the people all of the time . Go back to your meeting come here and make new friends and your going to be just fine . Louise
My darling. Please know that you have come to the right place for help. Like you, I came here at my wit's end and after going to only a few face to face meetings and posting on these boards and going to two online meetings, I feel like I now have the power to not only survive but thrive in my life with an AH. I am not yet there, but I now have reliable tools for dealing with the lies my AH tells me. It's not about him, it's about me and I struggled with thatk, but finally get it. Check out my posts of a few days ago and all the wonderful responses of those who are so much further along in the program than I. It will give you hope. You are not alone. It is not your fault. Take back your power and join us to save your life. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I beg you to immerse yourself totally in the al-anon program and avail yourself of all it offers and all that the loving, kind, generous members offer. Don't give up on YOU. ((((((Hugs & Love)))) JennyP
Hi! Welcome to MIP, you will find many people who have been through similar situations to yours.
One thing that struck me from your post, is how isolated you and your child have become. I can identify with that. There is so much shame in our lives when someone we love drinks and have crazy behavior from the drinking. Al-anon can really help. I used to feel so alone, but after becoming a part of this online community and also F2F meetings, I have never ever felt as alone as I did before finding alanon.
You have made an important first step on getting help for yourself - bravo! That and following the 12 steps can help you feel more sane, maybe even serenity!
Please keep coming back, you are among friends who will support you,
There is a saying I like which goes, we are only as sick as our secrets, I think isolation is a terrible thing, we become our own jailers, I fully understand how we become this way, pride guilt shame, embarrasment, to name but a few,but for me to be able to off load the good bad and the ugly is all part of my healing, It took me a while to share the good stuff though, as I have thought I was a burning martyr, and that it was all his fault, it does take two to tango though, and I never could dance!
we have meetings on this site in the chat room twice a day 9am and pm eastern time hope to see u there soon they are a great addition to real meetings am glad your going back - it only takes 2 people to have a meeting . Alcoholics are very convincing dont worry about what he is saying about you its all bs and you know it . functioning alcoholics eventually screw up ,trust me I know this from experience it is true they cant fool all of the people all of the time .