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I just don't know what to do. Last night I found a stash of empty gin bottles that my fiancé was trying to sneak out of the house (god love him, he's so forgetful, forgot to take them with him when he left and left them lying on the floor by the door.) I've always known that he drank, more than I wanted him to, but it was always social in the past, out with friends or what have you. But now...when I confronted him about it he told me he had been drinking late at night for months after I had gone to bed. How could this have been going on right under my nose!? He showed me where he had been keeping the bottles, and promised me there were no more in the house. So far, after searching the house I have found this to be true.
He says he is sorry. He says he never wanted to do it. He says he wants to stop. He says he wants help. I believe him. But I am afraid of what will happen if nothing changes. I feel betrayed. I feel cheated on. I feel like he doesn't trust me. I'm worried that I will never be able to trust him. I don't want any secrets between us. How can I help him without driving myself insane with paranoia? I keep thinking, "what else is he keeping from me?" I am so unprepared to deal with something like this. I feel so alone with no where to turn. I have no idea what to do, and the timing couldn't be worse, our wedding is only 3 months away! How can I marry a man that I don't know if I can trust?...
Trust is tough when dealing with somebody who has a drinking problem. If he is an alcoholic and is actively drinking, the bottle will always come first. Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and if it goes on long enough, it is fatal. If he is serious about quitting, the first step would be for him to go to an AA meeting. That is an important step. You did not cause this, You can't control this, and you certainly will not cure this. Only the alcoholic can do these things. The one thing that you can do, is get help for you. This board, Alanon Face to Face meetings, are wonderful support systems that will give you understanding and support. Good luck to you, I will keep you in my prayers that you find the answers that you seek.
Sorry your feeling that you can control your fiancee's drinking. His drinking is not your problem, how it affects you is. We learn in Alanon that "We are powerless over another person's drinking and that our life has become unmanageable.
When a person has the disease of alcoholism, (not saying your fiancee does) its not about trust. They may truly want your trust, but the compulsion to drink is more important then anything else. Im sure you would rather be a new bride then to be a warden and keeper of your husband. Thats whats in store if he continues to drink and not arrest it.
Many of us here have experiences to share with you. If your able to, you would do well to go to a face to face Alananon meeting, or continue to come back to the MIP board. We would suggest that you do not make any major decisions in your life for at least 6 months once you commit to the program. Alanon is an eye opener to this cunning and devestating disease of Alcoholism. It will help you with the decisions and solutions that you are looking for.
I wish you courage, strength and wisdom. Luv , Bettina
Please find a Al-Anon meeting for yourself ,if you choose to marry this man u are going to need support from people who understand exactly how u feel . hiding bottles is normal and he will only find new hideing places , I am sure u have better things to do than look for bottles ..and confronting him only makes them get a little sneakier , he is doing what alcoholics do--- drink . It has nothing to do with you ,its not what your doing or what your not doing , you are not the reason he drinks . Love will not cure this disease if it did we wouldnt need treatment centers , AA or Al-Anon . get the focus back on you get your life back on track you are the only one u can change there is nothing u can do about him. tears dont work , begging dosent work , reasoning with them dosent work ,threats don't work ultimatums don't work , until he says that what he is doing is causing HIM a problem it isn't its causing you a problem and Al- Anon will help .
Amen, Abbyal. That's probably one of the hardest lessons that I've had to accept so far in the program and I'm a real newbie. To finally accpt that no matter how much I cry, beg, plead, instruct, point out, read to, demonstrate, examine, scream, yell, cuss out, ignore or otherwise try to control my AH, he will do what he will do and it is 9 times out of 10 not what I wished would happen. Even when they are sober and you think you've got their attention, they are really just inbetween drinks and will placate you and may agree with you just to get your off their back and then is's right back to the day-to-day disappointment and realization that they really heard nothing we said and if they did, they will usually choose to ignore it. Until they reach out for help on their own volition, there is no point in trying to help. My only choice is what I will do about it. . . accept it on my terms or leave the relationship. . . and it ain't easy to accept, even on my terms. (((Love to Ireland))). May your HP guide you through this difficult time. Be careful and take care of yourself first. JennyP
I understand your desperation and concern. We have all felt similarly. OMG I became such a "search and seizure" expert as my AH drinking became worse and worse. I always prided myself on finding his hidden stash, although I look back now and see it was futile behavior on my part at best, totally humiliating for both of us at worst. It made us both feel horrible.
Alanon really helped my express my concerns - "Mean what you say, say what you mean, but don't say it mean." It also helped me realize that this wasn't about whether my AH loved me, or a lack of trust, this is about the disease of addiction. Which is stronger than love and trust.
My AH became or expressed alcoholism well into our marriage, I'm not sure what my choice would be if I had awareness of my problem with his drinking before we were married, but I'm certain that alanon could help me deal with it, wherever I am in my relationship.
Welcome (((Ireland))) I am new here and don't have anywhere near the wisdom that your other friends are offering. However your post resonated with me (as so many often seem to do). You said,
"I feel betrayed. I feel cheated on. I feel like he doesn't trust me. I'm worried that I will never be able to trust him. "
I have felt these exact same things many times during my 32+ stint with my AH. Coming here, reading books and pamphlets about alcoholism, and attending F2F meetings will help you understand and deal with these feelings, and (for me), most importantly, will let you know that you are not alone. Please keep coming back!!
Thinking of you today
love from Denise
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
its been eight long hellish years ,since i found the first stash,i too had no idea he was drinking when i went to bed,he too promised there will be no more. about a million promises later he is still drinking,and still in denial. it was only coming here and reading and learning,i was doing it all wrong,totally absorbed with him. i have learned the art of detachement,its been slow,and been hard,but im in a much better place with myself now. and i know i have a long way to go,but little steps. keep coming back,i did because my life depended on it. love ollie xx
Ireland Hello and welcome. You are among friends. Trust is a huge issue when it comes to this disease. Because this disease protects itself fiercly and will do anything to keep it going. My experince is actions speak louder than words. Try and remember that when your finace speaks to you or you to him, you are talking to a disease that is cunning and baffling. If he has admitted he has a problem than AA would be the best and first step to show you he is out of denial and ready to embrace recovery. No one can battle this disease alone The first person you are going to have to trust is yourself When i talk with my son I know whatever he is saying is a lie to protect his disease. I have to trust my instincts and what I am seeing with my own eyes not what he is telling me. As sad as that sounds it is the truth. I can no longer expect to him behave in any other way than what he is... an addict. For way to long I soooooo wanted to believe what my son was telling me I pushed down my own instincts and what I was seeing and by the time I hit the rooms of Alanon I was probably sicker than my son. If you marry and he keeps drinking remember the drink will always be first in his life, noone and nothing will ever come before that. You will need the support of Alanon and those that have walked in your shoes. You will need to learn to take care of yourself first and foremost and learn healthy coping skills of living with an alcholic. Please keep coming back, find meetings in your area. God Bless
