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My husband will not move out because according to him "he has no place to go". I feel the kids and I should NOT be the ones leaving especially since it's stress on the kids. Him living in this house is already stressful enough. It's dumb that I have to put up with his behavior instead of my little ones. Unnecessary.
Rent is good for me here since it's super inexpensive (my father's friend and right across the street from Dad's) He will not go to his parents because his mother is constantly on him about going to meetings. I'm afraid he might turn a little violent (he's showing signs that he might although he hasn't)
He keeps lying despite my intuition and his behavior. He's just gotten better at hiding the evidence, so with no hard evidence, he's cocky and mean in his behavior.
I know he's been stressed with his current job, but hey.....he's tasted the freedom of sobriety before (almost 3 years) and he should be very thankful he has a career in the first place. I'm not working just yet as I gave up my fulltime job to go to college fulltime....the reason I did this was because I was doing both school and work with two babies and dealing with this and ended up clinically depressed (with postpardum too). The psychologist couldn't even blame me. Anyhow.....
Anyhow, I'm so tempted to call my inlaws or let my landlord know what is going on..and as much as I've told him to move out, he won't.....I told him I what I was considering to do and he starts turning the tables around and pretty agressive in his talk too. I do not want to be in the same spot I was then .....I refuse to go there.......My sister says to be patient till I earn my Bachelor degree hopefully with a career soon after (this December HP willing) and then to move out.........
WHAT I CAN DO? I can either try not to pay attention to this at all because I'll just be arguing with the wall anyway.......and let him do what he does as long as the bills are getting paid......(he's givin me his full check the last two times because he knows how serious I am about moving on) Hopefully he still lets me manage the money (consistently!). Try to manage my time a little more wisley and keep coming back.....
Not check his phones because although I know his dealer calls with my intuition as it is.....I already know and I do not have to check and go nuts about it.......what I already know and trying to prove it only takes the focus off myself.and makes me just as insane as the addiction........sigh......I feel better now.....thank you :)
Sometimes we have to he so committed to our own recovery we have to give up the things we enjoy ( the cheap rent across the street from Dad) to get what we truly value ( serenity and self determination). I wish you well and hope that while you are waiting to get your degree you keep working toward your own recovery for the health and well being of your kids, even if your AH cannot. I have been in a similar position (why should I go?), but found that serenity was more important than a house.
RoseODAT wrote: Not check his phones because although I know his dealer calls with my intuition as it is.....I already know and I do not have to check and go nuts about it.......what I already know and trying to prove it only takes the focus off myself.and makes me just as insane as the addiction........sigh......I feel better now.....thank you :)
Not checking is a good start! Trust your intuition. Checking is engaging in self-doubt. (Been there & done that!)
As challenging as it is, keeping the focus on ourselves and not the A is the best thing we can do for everyone involved, including the A's. To not do so, is maddening (Been here & done this, too!)
When I'm in doubt about what to do, I ask HP for guidance. I'll share my intentions with my HP, and then silently say: "show what to do." I used to think this was 'hairy-fairy' thinking. But out of desparation, I tried it and was pleasantly shocked with the results. I do this all the time now. Sometimes, I do not like the answers. But hey, who knows better? Me or my Hp?
Take GOOD care, Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Aloha Rose...the most suggested response to "What can I do?" is go find the face to face meeting rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups and get to as many meetings as you can over the next 90 days. That was the one given to me and the one that worked. There can be lots of resistence to this suggestion mostly because change is fearful. "I just got to use to the habit of doing the same thing over and over again without any expectation of change." If you like getting what you're getting right now you'll keep doing what you're doing. If you don't like it you'll try something different." By the way this is how I also looked at my alcoholic wife during the drinking and insanity days without applying the same formula to myself. It changed when I changed and now when she changed. How absolutely amazing life is for me now. In the rooms you will learn that there are thousands of responses to that question. What can you do?....lots of stuff but you gotta come and learn it first.
Jerry- Can't thank you enough for bringing up face to face meetings....the most serenitized times in my life was when I was active in those admist the chaos....I do miss seeing Al-Anon faces and smiles.
Gail- thank you for pointing out the positive amoungst my post even though I couldn't see it. :) .....you're right.....and I'm working on being a little more self assured.....
Rocky- you're right....sometimes letting go of the "things" we hold on to, can have the most absolute feeling of peace.
- Thank you guys for the timely response.....It's greatly apprecieted: Hugs to all *
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I was in a similar situation. I chose not to leave my home and chose not to go the legal routes of making him leave. It is not an easy path, not that any of the paths of living with an active A in your life is. I know when the time came for changes neither of us wanted I was able to cope using my Alanon skills. Keep taking care of yourself, and building your toolbox. You're in my thoughts.
Jen thank you for reminding me that there is really is no easy path with an active A. I'll make sure my whole lifestyle is program...... Last night I told my A "You know, It's true what they say....Once you stop going to meetings, it's all downhill from there"........we had another one of those days where he could tell that I'm feeling nothing for him......he quickly jumped to it and suggested we go to joint AA Alanon meeting today. I have a feeling that it might be too late for our marraige since 90 percent of it has been drama and I ready to end the nonsense, especially when school is over as I really have no time or energy to be moving, but I will be making time for Face to face meetings. Al-anon nonstop....I'm going to enjoy today regardless. Just today and I'll take it from there, Thank you***
-- Edited by RoseODAT on Monday 12th of July 2010 09:45:15 AM
