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Well, it's been a chaotic time for the past couple of weeks but for once, it's NOT due to my AH! He is in his 3rd week of not drinking, going to meetings every night, and just generally being the wonderful person that he is when he is sober. It's a good thing, because with everything else I've been going through, I don't know if I could have handled it all AND a drunk. My son, daughter-in-law and 3 year old grand-daughter left yesterday for their new home in New Orleans. My son got called back to his job on the railroad, so this is a good thing, but I have never had any of my kids more than an hour away from me, so this has been difficult. And, it was just so sudden, I haven't quite had time to adjust.
And in the midst of their moving, my mother, sho was 85, had a stroke and passed away. She died very peacefully and we (my brothers and I) were with her when she died, but I don't care what the circumstances, it's never easy to lose your mom. And again, this was so very sudden- she had been in good health up to the time she had the stoke and she died less than 48 hours after having it.
Also in the midst of all this, I went to my 2nd F2F meeting. Again, I was NOT impressed. I know you ony get out of it what you put in, and I was trying very hard to be positive at this meeting, but the people there just seem very wrapped up in each other and don't seem to really want to include anyone new in the group. It's not that they were rude or anything, just seemed very uncaring of what was going on with me. I didn't say much but did mention the stress of the move and the fact that my mom had passed away. I got a few murmers of sympathy and that was it. No one came up to me after the meeting, so again, after standing around a few minutes feeling very uncomfortable, I slipped out. I will go to the 6 meetings as recommended and I WILL keep an open mind, but, for now, I get much more comfort and strength by coming here and reading the books I have- I did get "One Day At A Time in Al-anon" and "Courage to Change" from the F2F- so far that has been the most helpful part of the meetings. I wish I lived in an area that offered more than one meeting as an option. Thanks to all of you for your continued support and encouragment.
Denise _______
"The Secret of Life is Enjoying the Passage of Time."
__________________
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Denise, sorry to hear about your Mother, just take your time with the mourning process, I lost my Dad 11 years ago and I still miss him. My Mom even though she is acting ornery, she also will be 85 and I dont look forward to someday losing her.
As far as the meeting, you may try it again, sorry it wasnt a great experience for you. There are other meetings in your area? Sometimes you have to find a good fit for you.
Please keep coming back here as many times as you need to.
Wishing you recovery from your Moms passing, wisdom and courage.
Dear Never going back, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and sorry too your not feeling very comfortable at your face to face meetings, but just give it a little time, I know I had days when I didn't feel I was very well recieved, and certain members made me feel uncomfortable, I didn't like that feeling and wondered why I felt that way, in my case it was because the people that I shied away from were actually feeling the same way about me, and eventually those people became the people I had most respect for, I just used the tools at that time take what I liked and leave the rest and that was perfectly fine, ((((((((((((hug's)))))))))).
I am sorry for your loss and am glad u were able to be with your brothers at the time of passing . Please dont give up on your meetings yet , occasionally meetings become clicky * not a good thing * but it happens and often they dont even know thier doing it . so keep going back and next time after the meeting dont just stand around go and ask for a hug .. gulp hehe reaching out takes many diff forms . good luck and take care of you. Louise
With sympathy for your loss. I have spent more time this summer with my mother and even though we don't get along, I know that she will be gone some day. Thanks for the reminder that it will be hard to lose a mother. I like that you said for once my A is not the problem. I would like to blame everything on my AHsober.
As for meetings, I live in a rural area and don't have Alanon to go to (so I attend AA). I go to two different meetings where my mom lives. One I feel comfortable and like it alot. The other meeting I don't feel comfortable because there is cross talk. For myself, I have made the decision that I need to go to any meeting whether it is AA or Alanon or a marginal meeting because I need to stay in the program. Keep looking.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. Loss is never easy, no matter what the age, no matter what the relationship - you don't have to justify feeling sad. Let it out, and keep letting it out until there's no more to let go. Allowing yourself the time to grieve is so important.
I can relate to your initial experience in the F2F meeting. I also felt on the outside looking in whenever I went. I'd like to say I felt on the inside after just 6 meetings, but it actually took me several months before I felt like I "belonged". I think I was very sensitive, and my group didn't really know how to handle me at first. But over time, it did get better. And whether I felt "in" or not, I still learned a lot which helped my situation just by listening to what they had to share. I also realized that I had become very "shut down" as a result of the isolation from alcoholism in my life - it can take a while to break down those walls we have put up to protect ourselves.
Dear denise, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad seven years ago and I still feel a great deal of pain every time when I think about him but as time passing by, I become more grateful with those times I shared with him than just feeling miserable with the loss. You will feel this in a similar way one day. give yourself some time and take extra good care for yourself and love yourself even more.
For ur face to face meeting, I had a similar experience yesterday. I went there and shared my story of how I broke up with my ah fiancée and how sad I felt since then and I also cried during my sharing but afterwards, I felt that people were very indifferent to me and my suffering. I've got a great deal of comfort about coming here but in my meetings, I feel very lonely and people are so wrapped in their own sadness. That was my third meeting and I will still go back for another three meetings then I will see. The good things I got out from my yesterday's meeting are a few inspiring stories I heard and also a few similar situations/feelings they shared so it was not totally useless. I suggestion for you is maybe you can just try to have a low expectation for meetings, try to reach out and talk with them instead standing there alone...
Very sorry for the loss of your mother. I don't have any face to face meetings in my area so all my recovery has been on line and it has been all good. Please do give it a chance, sometimes its our own mindset when we feel people are not recieving us well the 6 meetings will give you a chance to go each time with a different mindset. If you still find you aren't comfortable the meetings here are the only way I can start my day off well . If i miss a morning meeting seems to set my whole day off track so basically I need alanon everyday LOL. I know the support I get here is so invaluble to me and listening to others share helps me immensley. Keep coming back !!!!!!!!!!! Blessings
I too, felt really uncomfortable at my first few meetings... maybe even the first month or so. But I kept coming back. I have been going for seven months now. In the beginning, I felt two conflicting feelings at the same time: One the one hand, I felt like I was "home"- that I was safe and in the place for me. On the other hand, I felt isolated and that these people all knew each other and the steps and the slogans, and that I was alone. This made me kind of isolate more. I decided to keep coming back, regardless.
I also realized that perhaps I wasn't really opening myself up to them at all because I was in so much pain over my A and my situation. I started to introduce myself and say hello. That was really uncomfortable, but necessary. Things began to change. I realized that it wasn't their job to "bring me in" because I was uncomfortable.
Something else I noticed, that is different in program, is that it is not about giving advice, but about sharing our stories. Sometimes this can feel like people "don't care" - they just want to talk about themselves. I have found that they really do care. Recovery come not from the advice of others, but in our stories and the program itself.
I tried going to different meetings (different days or places). Fortunately, there are a lot in my area! I found that I preferred a different meeting than the one I originally started going to, but I'm still grateful to that original meeting that got me in the rooms, and through those difficult first few weeks.
. If i miss a morning meeting seems to set my whole day off track so basically I need alanon everyday LOL.