My 17 year old son - Al-Anon Family Group

Christie92 · Member

My 17 year old son

Christie92 · Member

PS: My son doesn't listen to me ever because he thinks that it means he's taking "sissy" advice...even if he knows it's good advice...he'll bash it just because it's coming from me.

Again...there is more...but I will stop for now.

Christie 29

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Christie

Welcome to MIP and Alanon.

I hear your sadness and understand the feeling of dying inside. It is impossible to decide if your son is an alcoholic but in listening to you detail your family situation it would apprear that alanon could definately help you to find serenity and peace.

Alcoholism is a terrible disease and when it develops in a loved one it is extremely [painful for the entire family. ) Trying to deal with this disease unaided makes us extremely ill and that is why alanon and this Board exist.

You did not cause this disease , you cannot control this disease and you cannot cure it. In order for you to have some piece of mind and know how to take care of your life, please break the isolation and keep coming here and sharing. You can also connect with others who understand as few others can by attending on line meetings held here and better yet look for face to face meeting in your area. They can be found by looking in the white pages of the telephone book.

We have wonderful literature for you to read and simple tools that can help a "broken heart". Here is a web site that has some simple tools that can help you live with this one day at a time.

http://www.qis.net/~alanon/literature/justfortoday.php

Please keep coming back

V

Christie92 · Member

Thank you so much for the welcoming words and understanding in your response. I truly need help. I know my son is suffering but I too am suffering inside watching him. I am truly heavy-hearted every minute of every day. I can hardly function at times. So...maybe being here is a start.

I will be reading and also posting more on my situation. I am greatful for any help.

My son has gotten two underage alcohol citations within just under two months. He doesn't seem to think he needs to be careful. Someone was beating him up one night and then suddenly the guy turned around and said, "Hey man...we're all good...lets drink." Then he proceeded to take out a bottle of Vodka and told my son to drink with him. My son told me he didn't want to get beat up some more so he drank and drank. He came home that night so drunk that I almost took him to the hospital. I was torn. I stayed up all night on a work night (and didn't get to work till almost two the next day) to make sure he wouldn't stop breath or vomit while on his back and passed out. I'm thankful he came home. Although it was as situation whereby my son said he was doing it so he wouldn't get beat up...I do believe him...I also believe this drinking binge he went on only furthered his taste for more alcohol. I think he mostly drank beer...but now it seems he is into the harder liquor...and I don't understand how someone can LIKE feeling so dizzy, woozy, off kilter...and then vomit all night and wake up feeling like hell...THEN to go out and do it again!

I'm afraid.

I will be here...thank you again for your total understanding. It feels good to know there are people to "get it." I don't even get it...but I have no place else to go. I worry about his mental state of mind because of what his dad did to him also. My son is so insecure that he thinks it's NORMAL to be mean and abusive. I have been the opposite of what my son's dad is to him...and my son has gravitated toward the behaviors of his mean abusive dad (which I don't even like to call him his dad).

Christie

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Christie and welcome home. You have searched for help and this is where
you were led to receive it. That is also part of my journey so let me suggest what
worked for me and what I did upon reaching the recovery program of the Al-Anon
Family Groups.   I was fresh out of ideas and thoughts about what was wrong and
my early culture taught me that when I am around those more knowledgable than
I to, "sit down, listen, learn, practice, practice practice what "they" do."

Alcoholism is an AMA registered disease, it is not a moral issue regardless of
the often times "bad" things that happen as a consequence. This is a disease
of the mind, body, spirit and emotions and cannot be cured only arrested by
total abstinence. If it is not arrested it will become progressively worse and has
resulted in insanity and death. Like your son I was predisposed because I was
born into it. I had my first innocent glass of wine at the age of 9 because my
grand-mother was initiating me into our culture. She had no idea what that did
for me. I have the disease of alcoholism just like I also am tuberculic from my
natural father who died from it.   My eldest son is a non practicing alcoholic/
addict who uses his religious belief to help not consume chemicals however he
and his wife and their family suffer from the affects of the disease. I am in
recovery in the 12 step and tradition social model spiritual programs of Al-Anon
and AA which have helped me leave the life I use to live and attain a life beyond
my wildest expectations from where I first got here.

I was given the suggestion to go to Al-Anon meetings and if I could do 90 meetings
in 90 days (did more). Get and read as much literature as I could about the
disease and read it all. Also get literature that others in recovery were reading.
Learn the slogans and the steps and traditions and reach out for help whenever
I needed it..which was very often. My problem when I got here wasn't my son.
I married the women I drank with so my problem was me; what I didn't know
and how skewed my perception was. I also didn't know a thing about alcoholism
except that in my christian up bringing if we used the word in describing another
person we were calling them a sinner. Sick person yes...sinner? I don't judge.

Hotrod gave you the direction to simple tools. She's good at that and we are
grateful for the opportunity to support your recovery.

Your son sounds like he is drinking like I did at his age with the same attitude.
He's choosing to do it driven by the compulsion to drink.

Stick around and listen to all of the help you will be getting and then take
what you like and leave the rest for later and practice some of it. If he is
getting abusive? introduce him to the public service people in your town who
often are called "police" or "cops".   Who knows it might help him get into
recover earlier than I did.   My step-son went into AA at 17 years of age and
recently celebrated 22 years of sober and clean living. Leave it up to your HP.

Keep coming back. In support (((((hugs))))) smile

Christie92 · Member

Thank you Jerry. Thank you for your words.

I understand it is a disease. In fact, I was thinking about this last weekend when my son was out Friday night, Saturday, AND Sunday night at parties...didn't come home...stayed at mystery "friends'" houses....I have no clue who these "friends" are...really not friends at all. I am a strong believer in the saying, "Misery loves company..." It's so very true. I told this to my son many years ago...and he even quoted me one time a while ago in how he used that phrase with some of the people he knew. I can't even believe he's allowing himself to fall so far down the hole. It's like he's given up trying to be good and just has given over to everything he doesn't really want to be.

You said your son went into AA at age 17...and is 22 years sober...wow! Congratulations to him and to you...you should be a proud Dad for sure! It gives me hope that maybe just maybe my son will see that he might benefit by humbling himself and getting into AA. What scares me is that I just figured out that this will be a life long challenge for my son and every day could be a good day OR if he slips up and falls...he will and nobody knows what that slip could bring. My son has to see the DA about his two Underage Drinking tickets yet...and my son said he would even go to a class and take a deferred prosecution to stay out of trouble for a while in order to have them dismissed. This makes me glad in one way cause the class could be the BEGINNING of him opening his eyes on the severity of alcoholism and what it is and can do to his life yet I am not sure (sad to say) if he will be able to pull off NOT drinking for the time frame the DA might give him (if the DA is nice enough to give him that).

How did your son decide to go to AA? How bad did it get or did he choose to go in before it got too bad for him? I'm curious.

Thanks for your time, Jerry...I am glad to have found this site. Its hard for me to read a lot...I am very much in "shock" yet that my son is this person I have watched evolve...thing is that I know there is a young man in there who has intelligence and strength to be a better person...sad part is that I may not be the one to give him that jolt so he knows it. It will take a "man" to do it...because my son has no respect for me OR for women (thanks to his dad).

I look forward to hearing more and learning more from others who may have advice for me...maybe some who have better knowlege of what do do and what not to do for a teenager who likes to drink.

Christie

buick23 · Senior Member

Christie,

welcome to MIP. You sound very stressed out about this and I can understand. My bf drank many years and quit a few years ago. I've went tru a lot of negative things with him and it is awful.

One thing that comes to mind when reading your posts is the slogan "one day at the time". I try to live one day at the time and it helps me a lot. Sounds like you are making yourself sick without even taking a break to breathe. Believe me I relate.

Something alanon teaches is to take care of ourselves and leave the A to their hp. I understand he is your son but there isn't much you can do. Maybe the class will help him realize that live can be different, maybe not.

Come back and post anytime you need to. There are always nice alanons on here who understand.

buick

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

How my step-son got into and stayed in recovery is a pretty eye opening story
he tells when asked to speak at meetings. Even I was deeply surprised. He
was not hit by lightening or a bus or anything but had a small moment of
clarity where his thinking got jolted and he then did a "right" thing. In my own
9th year or sobriety I went by his house for the very first time to say hello and
taste some home made tacos his mother (my present wife) promised to make
me. She had told him I was coming over and that I had "time" in sobriety.
When I got there he was just about to leave the house and go out with a friend
(I later found out they had planned to drink and use for the night). As he
reached the doorway going out he turned and told me that he had heard I had
9 years sober and "how did you do that?". I sat down at the table and thought
for just a second and replied "I found out that there was no law that said I HAD
to drink." He asked for a repeat and I did and his friend called him to the door.
He turned to his friend and told him to go on ahead that he was gonna stick
around and talk for a while. We talked about stuff and that was the first day
of his sobriety. He never drank or used again. It usually doesn't happen that
way unless a Higher Power makes the arrangements and HP did. Today he
is married to another member of recovery with a absolutely beautiful daughter
named Ruby Blue who is a mini-me of my spouse. That's the whole story.

smile

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello and welcome , please find yourself a meeting u need support from people who understand exactly how u feel . Al-Anon will show u how to live your life to the fullest while allowing others to do the same . We cannot control other people make choices for them , we can guide by example.. lectures dont work , tears dont work , begging dosent work ,threats dont work the only thing that works is for us to stop trying to live thier lives for them . teens are difficult at the best of times trying so hard to find themselves , his abusive attitude towards u is inexceptable thats where boundaries come in , there has to be a concequence to this behavior or it will continue and progress . in our prog u will learn to set healthy boundaries for yourself and all of your relationships will improve .

wp · ~*Service Worker*~

It's good that you are aware of the problem with your son. I agree that you would benefit by going to face to face alanon meetings. One thing about your situation strikes me though...your son is still a minor. You are stronger than you think, and good luck:)

Christie92 · Member

Thank you everyone. So far I feel very supported here. I did seek out an Al-anon meeting here in my area and just haven't gone yet. I'm a little afraid to go. I'm actually feeling a little like I'm having some mental issues with coping. I have always been a very hopeful, faithful person. I said in my first post that I am a Christian...I am. But I have struggled with my faith ever since my marriage failed (this was not a marriage to my son's father...this was a different marriage. I never married my son's dad - just to clarify). So...with my marriage failing and then my son and all these issues...and other problems...I wonder lately where God is in all this? I am at an age where I should be further along and feel some sort of successes (including the raising of my son) but watching my son make his bad choices and drinking...omg...it's soooo hard.

I like the idea of taking one day at a time. My son left for up north Thursday and believe it or not I am actually feeling somewhat relaxed...I'm not worried that my son will come home drunk nor if the police will show at my door or that I might get a call that he was in an accident or arrested for something he may have done in a drunken stupor. I am anxious also..I know that's contrdictory of what I just said...but I notice I am restless. Not sure why. I went for a 10 mile bike ride today...it helped a little...but generally I am very lost. I think I'm depressed.

I am trying so hard to pull through this...so bear with me. I know I sound pathetic right now...I hope that will change eventually. If you knew me...you would know that I all my life I was more of the glass half full...I had TONS of hope and faith...I was positive...always holding on to "it will get better...it will be okay..." But with all the bad happening back to back in my life and part of that is watching my son be so lost...I am tending to slip into an abyss of depression. I do NOT want that to happen to me...so that is why I'm trying to hold on. Coming here was a first step. I started counseling again...but he cancelled our second appointment and I couldn't get in for almost a month...so it's been almost 2 months since I saw him.

Jerry, your son did have a lightbulb moment really. It seems at 17 something just clicked with him. I wish my son would just knock my socks off with suddenly deciding to focus and make things work for himself and his life. I would be sooo proud of him...and so thankful to God for FINALLY giving me some joy in my heart. I keep praying...as it is all I can do...but I need to somehow get a grip in my mind before it makes me crazy.

Thank you all...
Christie

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Christie

I am so glad you went for the long bike ride and that you are seeing the advatage of your son being out of town for a while. . It is a big step- one day at a time.

We have on line meetings here 2xs a day Morning and Evening and a chat room that is open 24/7 . Click Here Meeting/Chat Room
If you cannot get to face to face meetings please try to online and chat room. and meeting Board at the top of the messsage board.

Please keep coming back here and posting. Breaking the isolation is most important . Attitudes do change and by taking care of yourself and using the tools you will find the "Glass is Half Full "once again.

-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 10th of July 2010 07:19:58 PM

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

((( Christie)))

You wrote alot of my own story in your intial post
My husband and I both come from highly addictive families. When our kids were young we decided to move 3 states away to ensure our children were not exposed to all that behavior or chaos. We rarely drank... on holidays and on camping trips maybe but never to the point of being drunk. We were very involved parents, in there schooling, athlectics whatever thier passion was. We surely thought we were going to break the cycle.
But growing up in an addictive household you take on the same qualities as the alcholic or addict we just don't realize it. So while we may have moved we certainly brought our dysfunction with us. Our children suffered no abuse of any kind we really thought we had this parent thing down pat. People would tell us what great parents we were and how great our kids were.
Can't tell you how shocked we were the first time the police brought our son home ( found smoking pot). Of course we heard many of the same things your son is telling you the" everyone is doing it thing". But our son promised us that was the first time he had tried any drugs and he wuldn't do it anymore. We thought it was the "phase" thing also. After a couple more school citations we knew it wasnt a phase.
Honestly, we then did all we could think of. Took him to "drug classes" therapy etc we did all we knew how to do. Didn't know anything about alanon at the time.
Our son just got better at hiding it so we thought it just the occasional or recreational thing he did.
Once he started to sprial downwards there was no more hiding it. He spirialed so quickly. He went from working 2 jobs, having friends a girlfriend etc into having absolutly nothing.
He was still living at home no longer a secret he was getting high everyday. Unfortunatly I was experiencing severe depression and for a long while had no more strenght to " help" him. So his just started to drown in addiction.
I honestly wish I would have thought to take him to AA while he was a minor cause once he was an adult we had no more rights over his care. I would have taken him made him go in a hot second. Would it have helped? I don't know I will never know.
I do absolutly belive alot is genetics... some people can drink or do drugs and never get addicted some that first drink or first high catchs them right away and they go full force into the disease.
I wish I had a happy ending for you with my story. Today my son (21) sits in a jail rehab unit. His father and I turned him in when he overdosed one night. and he was put on probation but never followed the rules. I can only pray that his time in jail rehab something clicks with him and makes him see a better way but while I have hope I have no expectaions.
The happy part of my story is I found alanon and it has saved my life literally.
I work my program everyday and get stronger everyday because this disease will suck the life out of you for sure.
You have been given alot of awesome responses
Please keep coming back for YOU!!!! I can't emphaize that enough.
These are the people who will help you regain some sanity and give you tools to handle this disease.
I hope to see you alot here on the boards and give our online meetings a try they are awesome.
We are all here to support you and we all have walked in your shoes
So glad you found us
Blessings

Christie92 · Member

xeno59....Thank you so much for sharing your story.

I am beginning to see that my son, if he doesn't have a huge change in his heart and mind soon...that this could be the beginning of a very difficult life for him. I do not want to see my son sitting in jail...

One thing I will add without detail is that my son when he was just 13 (only two months after he turned 13) made a choice out of fear and peer pressure of the idea that if he didn't go along with they would tease him and call him a sissy (something his dad has done to him his whole life and still does all the time today...his dad and that family is relentless with their psychological games they play)...anyway...my son got into some big trouble and had to spend one night in juvenile detention (it was horrifying to me...my son was crying...omg...thinking back on it...I can barely stand it). The DA charged him and the other boys to the EXTREME...and now this is something on his juvenlie record forever. Although sealed...if my son wants to be in the Marines (which he does) and if he wants a career in law enforcement...this juvenile record is not hidden from those two things in life. Ironic how those two things he wants are the two he may not be able to have which COULD further suck my son into hopelessness and think drinking is the answer. Ugh. I wanted to fight the DA on their what they were charging...but we were told that we'd lose...and if we lost...it would be worse than if we accepted their "deal..." Ha...some DEAL!! It really SUCKED...and it's something that my son carries inside of him constantly...as I do. How do you forget that the DA ripped the life of a child apart? What my son did deserved some reprimand, but he was so young...and made a bad call. He deserved a "chance" to prove he's not what they tried to make him. My son hasn't done anything wrong all these years now excpet the Underage Drinking and one truancy ticket. You see...my son is discouraged...his dad discouraged him...and then the issue with likely not getting into the Marines much less the special forces...it's taking the wind out of his sails. I DO understand the feelings my son might have of NOT CARING or giving up. He hasn't had a good strong male role model in his life EVER. His dad was completley critical of him and my son could never be or do good enough for his dad. As a child when you can't ever please your parents it's very, very disheartening and discouraging. It does so much damage. I know there are no guarantees even if he did have good role models in his life...but with more good strong role models in his life...he may have had more confidence within himself to press on forward and have more strength to fight harder to succeed wherever life would take him.

It's good to know others can relate to my story...I am sad that there aren't any guarantees here. I am sad that everyone can't just tell me, "Yes, Christie, HE WILL BE OKAY...just give it time..." It's scary to know that it might take something really hard for him to open his eyes...or IF at all. I hope it won't be too late.

Anyway...because of that whole thing that happened when he was 13...I am more reluctant to call the police on him when he gets out of hand...although I told my son that if he pushes me he WILL be sorry because I will have to call the police without any choice. He usually pulls it together when I say that...with regard to how he treats me...but I worry about how he will treat his future girlfriend or wife some day if he doesn't learn the RIGHT and proper way to treat a woman. I've tried to teach him...since I'm a woman...I thought he'd listen to my advice but instead he refers to women with no respect and of coure (that comes from his dad too)...his dad used to say women belonged barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Grrrr!

Well, I'm goint to end this for the time being. I just have a lot of hope for younger people because they still CAN change if they want to. This is why I won't run to the police for every little thing. I am the parent...I should handle parent things like a parent should. If my son goes too far one day...then I would consider calling the police...but ONLY if I thought my son needed it. It's going to be hard...this is going to be very, very hard...to get tough with him knowing he is already discouraged. If I do anything negative to him...he may think finally the one person that always was rooting for him has turned on him too. His mom. I know he loves me so much...but his dad has made him believe that being close with his mother means he is a little weak boy...and not a man. So my son rejects me...and I think my son is battling in himself...and with all the other garbage (even though there is a predisposition to drinking) I think these things only HELPED egg him on to swallow the alcohol to bring some sense of peace and less anxiety....I am glad I'm here...and we'll see...we will see how and if maybe my son will just wake up some time soon. I can only pray.

Thank you xeno...
Christie

Christie92 · Member

abbyal wrote:

Hello and welcome , please find yourself a meeting u need support from people who understand exactly how u feel . Al-Anon will show u how to live your life to the fullest while allowing others to do the same . We cannot control other people make choices for them , we can guide by example.. lectures dont work , tears dont work , begging dosent work ,threats dont work the only thing that works is for us to stop trying to live thier lives for them . teens are difficult at the best of times trying so hard to find themselves , his abusive attitude towards u is inexceptable thats where boundaries come in , there has to be a concequence to this behavior or it will continue and progress . in our prog u will learn to set healthy boundaries for yourself and all of your relationships will improve .

abbyal...thank you. I am beginning to see that no matter what I say or do does not work. I just keep trying to let him know I'm his "steady rock" that if he feels lost...I'm the steady one in his life and that he knows I'm here if he wants to make changes and I will never laugh at him or make fun of him like his dad or his dad's family did. But sometimes it's hard to be that steady...it's hard when you are being pushed around verbally...and just feel like falling into a heap on the floor...but somehow I try to remain steady. I think, though, I am at the lowest point I've ever been in my life...and today was actually the first day I felt a little better in a while. I am hoping it will stick and that something won't happen to knock the wind out of my sails this week again. I can only hope.

Thanks abbyal...
Christie

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.