The material presented
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I am new here and have read several other posts and of course the similarities to my situation haven't gone unnoticed.
I am sick thinking of the over 20 years I have wasted with my compulsive gambling/alcoholic third husband. Since I am an addict magnet, the other two weren't much better. I thought he made my life miserable with the gambling and being broke every Friday by 5:00 where with my "caring," I would drive around looking for him and find him at the track penniless, drunk and pathetic. I remember Oprah saying, "If you find yourself driving around looking for a man for any reason, drive yourself to the nearest mental facility and check yourself in." Good advice, but of course, I ignored it. Lucky for him he had good old me to take care of him and cover all the bills and give him a place to stay, etc. And this was BEFORE we were married! He proceeded to violent abusive behavior, but I forgave him and actually married him - my idea, of course. Now that he 62 and has cataracts and no health insurance and is "officially retired" and collecting SS - actually making more in a month than he did when he was supposedly working -- he has decided to become a full-time drunk.
He starts at about 9 a.m. and is polluted by 10:30 (it doesn't take much). He's walking into walls by 11 a.m. whereupon he usually goes to bed or down to the basement to pass out with the TV on for the rest of the day. I won't see or hear from him unless he suddenly hops up and comes into the kitchen to make some big greasy mess or stuff his face with potato chips and then back to the fetal position. Last week, he fell down and hurt himself AGAIN, but he doesn't see any problem with any of this because of course, the problem is mine.
I was shortsighted enough to think that if I could ever get him to stop gambling, our problems would be over - notice the use of the word "I"? It never dawned on me that I really had no control and was just enabling him. I threw him out of previous apartments many times and changed the locks. He was gone for a few years and then suddenly appeared at my place. He was actually living on the backstretch and grooming horses for a living. Seriously, no one could make this stuff up. He had hit bottom or so it appeared and had all kinds of legal problems which I promptly took control over and helped him resolve. He continued to gamble, be abusive and just plain mean, but apparently that didn't bother me because when I got an inheritance, I used it to buy a house and moved him right in here with me where I have lived a life of constant disappointment, verbal abuse and addiction for over five years, but it has really gotten bad lately with his daily drinking. It's pathetic to watch. Of course, he denies that there is any issue with any of this behavior.
It was only after he developed cataracts that he quit going to the track -- i am guessing because he can't see well enough to get there. If he could, he would probably be down there today with his SS check. So he's now taken up drinking to occupy his time. As you can imgaine, he drinks because of his failing eyesight, because I make him so mad, because it's hot outside, whatever. Today, he switched to Rum from Vodka because he said he was satisfied with just one drink of rum. So when he got back from the liquor store, he promptly had two or three rum drinks and has been in bed since 11. He's always drunk to excess and I'm sure he was always also an alcoholic, but I was so focused on the gambling addiction, I didn't notice it. They kind of went hand-in-hand and I thought it was the gambling that made him drink. It doesn't take hardly anything to get him drunk -- you can notice the effects before he's finished his first one and then he's immediately on to the next. The goal appears to be to drink enough, quickly enough to make him go to sleep. I've learned to hate the sound of ice falling into a plastic cup.
I cannot stand this man, drunk or sober. I want him out of my house and life, but right now, I need his money to pay the bills because I lost my job 3 months ago and haven't found another yet. I'm 63, so prospects don't look too hot. I was raised in al-anon meetings due to my alcoholic father - surprise!!!! and I just attended an al-anon meeting last week where I started crying my eyes out as soon as I sat down but felt much calmer by the end of the meeting. I feel so trapped. It's like having a sleeping Satan in the house. He SCREAMS at me for every little thing -- I didn't put a pan back in the right place, I left dishes in the sink (which he does constantly),I am walking too heavy, I put on clean clothes again today, the dog is growling at him, the wild birds don't need to be fed in the summer, you name it and he loses his mind over it, but if I say one thing to him, watch out, cause I am about to get my head handed to me.
I hate him and would never call him my loved one. I don't care if it is a disease or what it is. I cannot tolerate this man any longer. I am desperately trying to detach from his insane behavior until I can figure out how to get rid of him and I am failing miserably. He pulls me in every time no matter how determined I am to ignore his idiocy and detach. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I cannot wait for my next meeting tomorrow morning.
I would welcome some tips on what to do/how to respond when he starts that screaming and mocking me and calling me names and telling me I'm stupid and that I'll never find another job, etc., etc., etc. I am no shrinking violet, but I know that when I start screaming back and crying or cussing him, I am just playing into his hands and he wins because that's just what he wants me to do. I just want to pick up a rolling pin and beat him on the head with it till knots pop up like I saw my mother do to my father on the back porch after he had abused her in the truck on the way home one time. Sigh.
My best advice would be to get to as many meetings as you can in the next week. I'm hoping there's more than one Al-Anon meeting in your area to make this possible.
When I first dabbled with Al-Anon, I really didn't get fully into it, and start feeling better until I decided to go on an Al-Anon slam, by the advice of my Brother in Law who's in AA. I will never forget what he said to me, and I repeat it here often to the newcomers.
"Get to as many meetings as you can in the next week. Find a home group. Find a sponsor. Start working the steps. Your life depends on it."
I still get teary-eyed when I reflect on that, and it was the best advice my BIL ever gave me. Fortunately for me, where I live, there's at least one meeting a day every day of the week with the exception of Saturdays, so I was able to absorb everything very quickly.
Your husband is sick. He hates himself and his disease and he takes it out on you because you're convenient and he can count on you to be there to take it. You'll start to learn solutions as you start working the program.
If there were one other suggestion I'd offer, it's find the pamphlet on Detachment: http://www.oregonal-anon.org/pdf/S19-detatchment.pdf
Keep coming back and keep getting to those face-to-face meetings.
I remembering feeling the same way when I landed here. We have lived in choas for so long, and we have had it. The best advice I received was get to meetings and don't make any decisions for 6 months. I followed it and you know it has worked out. My mind was so messed up that what to make for dinner was almost more than I could decide.
Welcome to alanon. I spent alot of time in the chatroom here in addition to meetings. There are alot of wonderful people there too.
Oh and welcome to MIP...stick around you will see the miracles!
I can't help but to laugh just a little at your name , even though I'm not supposed to.
When my A was acting a fool, I used to pretend that I was watching a movie to help me detach. It kept me from getting sucked in. It's easy to get caught in the trap of "where we are", and that stuck feeling. If you could attempt to focus on "where you're going" and the steps you need to take to get there it's a bit more tolerable (mentally, physically and emotionally). Hurt people, hurt people. Your A is sick and is mirroring to you how he feels about himself. His path isn't one that you need to be on. You can carve your own path. Sometimes it feels like we have to use a machete to get through the vines and weeds, but you're sure to find a garden at the end if that's what you work toward.
Think bigger, dream larger!! What we focus on is what we see. Our reality is a illusion created by our own minds. For example, One day we can be in the dumps. We can't stand what our lives have become. The same day something wonderful could happen and life is sweet and we're excited. What happened to our lives being in the pits with no way out? The illusion changes. We don't have to wait for it to change, we have control of our thoughts and our choices.
Always attempt to reach for the next best feeling :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank you, Aloha. Yes, there are meetings every day, sometimes twice a day, around here. I went to one two weeks ago on Sat. morning and I plan to go to that one again tomorrow. It's a very small meeting. By the time 8:00 p.m rolls around, I am usually so exhaused from putting up with my asshat all day, all I want to do is go to bed and lock the door. I will make more of an effort as I see that is what everyone recommends, so it must work. I can't let this fool control my life any longer. He is such a huge, screaming obnoxious, threatening presence, that it's hard not to get worn down by it all. But I know I am a survivor. What I've been through would have killed a normal woman. I will take your advice and let you know my progress.
Greta, thank you, so much. What you say makes sense. Go to meetings and don't make any decisions for 6 months. That's always been my MO. Get in a tight spot and then start making decisions, crazy or otherwise, because I feel I've got to do something right this minute. I am going to remind myself that Just for Today, I don't need to make any decisions. You have no idea how helpful that insight is to me right now. Bless you.
Christy - glad I gave you a little chuckle at my name. It's sad, but true and I do like to think I still have a little sense of humor left in spite of it all. Pretend I am watching a movie and stand back and watch the moron do his performance. I like it. Perhaps I will even applaud. I do try to tell myself that this is just a tempory situation and that I am using him for my own devices and will soon dispose of him and his shenanigans. It's helpful, but doesn't always come immediately to mind. I'll work on it. And I have been trying to do the positive thinking thing lately, believe it or not, but that's about as hard as detaching. You are a wise woman, sistergirl and I will be re-reading your message again and again for a spirit boost.
God bless you all, for being here to help us. I means to much.
I would say get a hold of the book Getting them Sober. There is an offer for that book at the top of the page. Being hard on myself is routine for me. Having a sponsor helps me to have someone to bounce stuff off. I feel heard, important and known. I did not have that in the relationship(s) I have had.
I don't think it is easy to get out of the normality of addiction, dysfunction and confusion. I also don't think any of it is actually your fault.
I currently live around addicts and alcoholics who call me all kinds of names, "evil" "psychopath" "crazy". You name it they call me it. At one time I would have been devastated by that. Today I am not. I know full well they have to project all their stuff all over me. What changed was I stopped wanting to please them. I also stopped looking to them for emotional support. Believe me none of the change went down well at all, once I embraced al anon I was their enemy and they immediately let me know it in many different ways (none of them particularly pleasant). If I did not have a program I would not be able to deal with it. Every day I refine my boundaries, practice new ones and detach and detach and detach some more. I say "no" in so many different ways. At the same time I still very much remain around them and there is no "out" yet on the horizon, I take all the necessary steps to move that way but I'm still here amid the alcoholics, addicts and dysfunctionals and I have to really work at not letting their addcitions absolutely invade my life (they do from time to time but far less than their total submission). Naturally they blame me for the fact the moon doesn't rise, the trees are in their way and more. I no longer "hear" that on an emotional leve, certainly I am aware of their behavior, conscious of it and ready to set more boundaries but I'm not invested in their addiction any more at all. I stopped "buying" I was in any way responsible for it. None of that came overnight and without al anon I would be an absolute basket case. I also do not "fight" with them beyond saying "no" and more "no's". I don't indulge in name calling, screaming, shouting (most of the time) I am certainly still human. I know their behavior (its the same as it was last year only embroidered). I work on the program "I didn't cause it, can't change it and can't control it". Paradoxically really embracing that means I severely limit how much their acting out affects me. That doesn't mean I have an easy ride, its certainly tedious, annoying (to put it mildy) but it is never personal. They treat everyone around them badly, they act out day and night and their entire lives revolve around either a drug, some human (who they hold totally responsible for their lives) and alcohol.
I am glad you are here. I have certainly been at the end of my rope. I also live with severe financial issues (left to be my the ex A). None of us jump up and find the perfect life, its one step at a time. Be kind to yourself, you deserve a best friend, compassionate, loving, tolerant, kind.
Well, I think it is wonderful you have kept your sense of humor thru it all!!! Asshat...that always cracks me up!!!
Your H sounds like he is at the beginning of the end of the disease. I remember so clearly when the A in my life transitioned to drinking daily and having reverse tolerance...followed by wet brain followed by death. It is an awful thing to watch happen to anyone even if you don't like them. I mean, don't we all wish to go quickly and painlesly? An A dies slowly, very slowly with lots of pain. And at the same time everyone yelling at them to stop being sick!!! I can't imagine yelling at my loved one who was dying of cancer to quit having cancer!!!!!
Now, I also lost all compassion for my abusive A. All of the love, understanding and compassion was beaten out of me. By the time I gathered myself up enough to leave him, I was a crawling, shaking mess. But I did it. Because I had to, or lose my life.
I went to two meetings a day for the first year, I went to every open AA meeting I could squeeze in just to try to find some compassion for other A's (not really MY A...MY A I hated) I began working on me, focusing on me, thinking about what I needed to be happy and content and then I pursued those things (with help from this program).
Whatever your decision you will find support here. You are in the right place to begin to heal.
Aloha Jenny...Hey I could do that role myself!! I have done that role myself!! and had to admit the problem wasn't her it was me so I would have had to re-do the signin name you used. Okay now you're here...time to wake up!! You got all the great suggestions I got when I got into the program and they all work if and when I work them.
When you get to the point where you marry someone you know you shouldn't and at the same time are planning to let go...then the problem isn't them. That's me.
Stick around there is lots to learn and many miracles coming your way as you allow yourself to be led by those who know the journey.
Glad you are here and later on you'll be very glad you arrived. ((((hugs))))
I know when things were rough from whatever reason, I felt better when I was doing something.
We could get ear plugs, headphones, but is that changing what we can?
My thought was how about house sitting? Moving in with someone who needs a little care for room and board and some extra money. Or maybe a lower pay job, and go be a room mate with your own room.
You would be surprised what you might come up with if you could think a second.
When we proactively work on something to change our circumstances we feel a new power. We may feel some hope.
It is hard as believe me, what you are sharing would make anyone very sick. Is your health worth this?
You are already taking steps to save yourself.Meetings and you are here!
i too feel your pain,i share a house with a person i hate,nearly sixty,and stuck in a finacial triangle. when i came here,i was so down trodden i could not function as a person,slowly i was taught how to live the alanon way. i have my own room and space,its ten yrs ,i do no laundry for him,i will not interfere with meds,and most of the time we do not even speak a word. but silence is golden. i have taken all steps to make sure i deal with the finaces,so i will not suffer loss of anykind, its not always perfect,by any means,but this way i can survive a dear friend said to once,even when you are argueing,he is still getting your attention,ignore him like a spoiled child.this stops you getting angry and having that big knot in the stomach,its worked for me keep coming here,this place is truly a life saver. love doreen xxxx
Thank you all so much for your wonderful caring support and good suggestions. I am feeling so much better this morning and I am all dressed, with make-up, jewelry and all, ready to go to my 8:30 a.m. meeting this morning. I am going to ask a woman I met last time to go for some breakfast or coffee or something after the meeting. In a constant mulling over of ideas for detaching from the madness today, I have decided that I will view his actions just like I am sitting in a movie theatre or watching a play. When he starts to belittle me or call me names or argue, I will say to myself, "I'm not in this scene" as my touch phrase and leave the room and go do something else. I am not going to allow him to drag me down to his level anymore. I am so excited about having this tool available to me now, I am beside myself. I really did not understand how to detach from it before even though it seems like a simple thing to do.
I must say that I am surprised that more than one person has suggested that he is in the beginning stages of the final phase of alcoholism which doesn't sound pretty. Due to the gambling addiction, I never really thought of him as an alcoholic until recently even though the signs have been there for years. Perhaps it is just being stuck with him here all day when I previously was at work. When I think over the past 10-12 years, when I got home from work, the majority of the time, he was totally drunk or in the process. This was the rule rather than the exception. So I guess the drinking in the morning thing is not as recent as I thought. He's been doing this all along, I just didn't realize it. I thought he started drinking right before I came home, but probably not. I guess when I was first at home in recent months, he was trying to hide his morning drinking -- drinking vodka and coke out of a coffee cup or adding something to his coffee, so I didn't notice that he was drinking until all of a sudden I noticed he was drunk. He has not presented himself yet this morning from sleeping all night in the basement. I suspect the rum he's not used to drinking is probably giving him a little issue this a.m. He'll be mean as a rattlesnake, should be a good movie.
Concerning finances, I am going to take it one day at a time. I already applied for a Home Loan Reduction and it looks like that should be approved. Next week, I am going to try and get my truck payment reduced. I am also going to see if I can't find some volunteer work to do. Who knows -- that may even lead to some kind of a job. Between meetings and that at least I won't be here all day watching him kill himself.
Thanks again everyone. It is great to know that you are there for me and that you once were where I am now and have risen from the ashes. Please take care of YOU today.
Hi ((((Jenny)))) I am new here, too, only found this site about a month ago. I can't add anything to all the great advice you've received from all your other friends, but I wanted you to know that I read your post and I will be thinking of you today and hoping your meeting goes well. I can only tell you that I have found so much comfort and encouragement here, I hope that you find the same. Please come back and keep us up-dated on how you are doing.
Love from Denise
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Your well-written post gives me great insight as to the circumstances from which you wish to escape. I understand completely since my situation is similar to your own, albeit quite a bit milder.
Those who have suggested you take in as many AlAnon meetings as you can are giving you sound "advice." The only other suggestion I can offer is, do not respond at all. It is difficult to carry on a screaming tirade with one's self. With no input from you, he will sooner or later run out of words. His kind of terrible verbal abuse is not worthy of your consideration. Get away if you can. Take the dog for a walk or a ride. Go visit a neighbor.
I am sorry you must live this way. I am sending you positive energy and thoughts, and keeping you in my prayers.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Your description of your husband and your life, could have been mine the last 8 years of my life with the XAH were brutal.
I have to say what saved me was Alanon, my Buddhist practice and a life that I made for myself. There is no reason for you to stick around the house and be abused. You can go to many meetings, start school, take a class, do Tai Chi, which I found was a wonderful experience. I also traveled and it doesnt have to be an extensive trip.You can do one or two days and it feels good to get away. As long as you need him because of the money, nothing says you have to stay around and be the captive audience for his abuses. He can rant and rave on his own. Don't let his disease paralize you!!!
, even though I'm not supposed to.
