The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I come here every day for my daily dose of al-anon. I don't post much anymore, mostly due to time, but I am off today, all is quiet except what is spinning around in my head. Amazing, how I always hear/read what I need. I just read about "ask an A what time it is and he will tell you how to build a clock". Oh my gosh, I found that so very funny! It was such a perfect description for the baffling communication I am experiencing right how with my exAH.
My exAH has been sober and working a very strict program for 2.5 yrs. He tries very hard to "share" what he has learned, but when he gets pushed and feeling defensive and out of control, all the blaming, mean, YOU, comments resurface. Is that disease or personality, I don't know. The hardest part is that I still get sucked into it, I still believe it, and it still makes me crazy. I admit ahead of time, my focus is more on him than me at this moment. I just need to process it, and this is my safe place. My situation and my admission as to my part is as follows...
I sent him a text the other day with a very pure motive. I was telling him about my concerns with our 16yr old son and essentially asked for help keeping him busy these summer days, and mentioned that I often doubted our son's truthfulness. I then requested for a weekly family meeting to express our unification and keeping everyone all on the same page as to happenings. First mistake - I requested this 3 other times in the past, and twice was told how he was too busy, too tired, too many recovery programs, fragile emotional state..., and one time got no response. Even so, I thought, perhaps NOW things would be different? The thing is, that he really can be (and often is) an involved and helpful parent, and I still hang onto that, forgetting that he hates conflict and ultimately cares about himself first and foremost. Sound familiar?
The response I got back was all about how if I change my attitude I can see what is possible and trust, and if I let go of negatives and look for the good I will see it, blah, blah, blah... He then somewhat agreed to a weekly meeting as long as everyone's participation met his standards. It really contained no answers to my plea.
Welp, needless to say, I got triggered. In response I wrote that I do know what is possible and that I do look for truth. I look for actions not words, and experience has been my greatest lesson and I was always open to change and new. Then, I threw in that meeting as a family was an attempt to help the kids and us with co-parenting, but always seemed to be about his convenience. Anyway, through this response I set myself up. He said every sentence was passive aggressive and mean and to keep my opinions to myself. It ended with him saying that initially he was just trying to call my attention to my bad behavior so I could grow for my benefit and that of my children. Wow! The whole thing was so crazy! By the way, I have mentioned looking at actions and not words a couple of other times and it makes him sooo mad! Don't know if it is because he doesn't walk the talk, or is protecting himself in that he is in a relationship with an A... I know, it doesn't matter, but I wonder nonetheless.
Of course, it got uglier until I finally stopped what I never should have started. At the end of the night he sent an apology, and I said sorry too. Now, it has moved toward his attempt to change and control the divorce settlement that we agreed upon. Trying not to be fearful. Trying to be mature. Trying to use my program. And on we go...
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I really don't think that they really get how important co-parenting is. My sons are grown and I can't get my AHsober to talk about it even after he has left the marriage. There was an interesting reading (I think in ODAT) about their guilt building up; that the excess turns into angry towards us. That makes sense in my case. He always, always, ends up blowing up at me.
Loupiness wrote:He said every sentence was passive aggressive and mean and to keep my opinions to myself. It ended with him saying that initially he was just trying to call my attention to my bad behavior so I could grow for my benefit and that of my children.
Wow... give a man a fish you feed him for a day, give a sober A a bunch of terminology and he'll ride off into the sunset with it. LOL. Ya know, I hear this ALL the time from my fellow AAs in meetings, they just can't get their wife/husband/GF/SO to follow along in the program the way they think they oughta. I just don't have the stones to tell them directly that sometimes it's better to STFU a while.
In my early sobriety, I found some solutions that didn't involve my wife. That frustrated her. She didn't really want to hear from me that I was doing just fine without her input. She treated me like a child, but resented the "mother" role she had cast herself in. When I was newly sober, she'd ride down on me about something and instead of fighting back, or sulking, I'd get this lofty far away look and tell her she just didn't understand, that I found peace and serenity yada yada... boy did that piss her off!
That's part of how I learned that we don't get sober so we can be self righteous prigs. I think most of us when we begin to experience the benefits of the program (AA or Alanon either one) feel that sense of being placed in a safe place, removed from the problem. It's really difficult to convey this without taking on a superior attitude. And why not? It sure is tempting... we've been trod on our whole lives and when we learn the simplicity of relying on a higher power, live and let live, etc. we want to share it with the world. Unfortunately it just doesn't come off that way, *especially* to those who already know us well and love to push our buttons. When they push push push and we don't react, they may become angry, mystified, curious.... but the one thing MOST tempting for us to do is guaranteed to piss them off. And that's to let out just the slightest little "pppplllpp!!!" raspberry, you can't hurt me anymore taunt. Ohhhh so tempting. But, better to leave it a mystery until they are honestly ready to know more (and ask).
I just read what I wrote and *it* sounds superior. Hell. I guess the only thing I can say about it is that it's experience not intellect that got me here, and it's a gift from my Higher Power, not a machination of my brain and ego. And as far as I know, the gift is still available for those willing to receive.
Did your ex co-parent when you were married? Did he participate in family meetings and take the intiative when it came to raising the kids? Were you two friends in the process of being a family?
I ask because I seriously believed that the longer my A was sober, the more he would change into the person I believed he was. He didn't. He did change but it wasn't in the way I expected him to. He was never the parent I wanted him to be to our kids...ever...even after years of sobriety. Disease? Personality disorder? Who knows, who cares. It was me and my expectations that were tripping me up.
So, I let go. I became the parent I wanted to be and that is the very best I can do.
Aloha Lou and good to hear from you again and that "triggered" me however it triggered a lesson I got from a former sponsor regarding killing my ego and crushing my pride and having "No" expectations especially when dealing with my alcoholic spouse and others. When my expectations are not met my ego gets hurt, my pride suffers and I cop a resentment just before I drill a hole in the bottom of my boat as I sail away from "them". I don't think that there is another single human being on the face of the earth carrying the mantra "I will do it your way Jerry F...I will!!" It just won't happen and hasn't happened up till now including the time I have in recovery. Recovery is skill building and love practicing whomever the other person is that I'm practicing love with. I learned "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human bein for exactly who they are." That's the definition my HP uses when dealing with me...in between laughs also. Unconditional love doesn't guarantee that I am surrounded by light and soft music all the time. Sometimes it reminds me that thorns have roses.
Wow what a difficult situation. I live around active alcoholics and they can do the same projecting, blaming and sniping that this guy does. Does he have a sponsor?
Do you have resources available to you, a sponsor? Did you go to parenting classes? I spent years in "hoping" the ex A would develop some of his nicer traits, he would from time to time but I had to let go of when and where they showed up.
I am all too familiar with holding the entire bag and then being criticized for it. The only way I deal with it is to examine my expectations. I have to constantly revisit them. The less I expect the better, the more I keep the focus on they are alcoholics (with or without recovery) the better.
