I don't know if I am well enough yet to give any answers to you and yours. But I can tell you what I did before my AH ended up back in rehab the last time. Background: When I went to family week at rehab for my AH the first time, they told me that I was an enabler from hell. I did everything I could to "help" my spouse. When I finally found this board is when I started to get well. I had to keep telling myself that I am his wife, not his Mother. I didn't marry him to take care of him in that way. I would never ask or expect my partner to do the things that I had done to "help" him with his drinking bouts. In fact, I would have been insulted to think that somebody felt they "needed" to take care of me when I am totally capable of taking care of myself. My AH can go sober for months, then he slips and then he has a horrible week or two before he either pulls himself back together or ends up in rehab.  The last time he "slipped", I did nothing. I did not call him in to work. I did not purchase any liquor for him. I basically went about my days as though nothing was going on. At the end of his 2 1/2 week bender, I went on a vacation with my sister that had been planned for months. It was the hardest thing I had ever done and it was the worst "vacation" of my life. When I left, I told him how sorry I was that he was so sick and that I didn't think he would make it this time. That I loved him but I couldn't do anything for him and that I would hopefully see him in heaven when my time came. But.... I think it finally made my AH see that I wasn't about to "help" him in any way any more. I told him early on, that he was an adult and responsible for himself. That I wasn't taking on any more. It was horrible and the hardest 2 1/2 weeks for my life but it forced him to make some choices for himself. He has been sober since the beginning of Marchand his whole outlook has changed. It seems like he finally accepted the alcoholism was HIS problem and he has to do the steps to recover and that only he alone can do it. It truly is one day at a time but they can find sobriety if they work hard to get it and maintain it. Good luck to you.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Hi Garret
In my experience the more involved in the game I got the worse the consequences.
Detachment with love I think means accepting that she is going to drink until she decides not to. ( that decision is not really something she has control over right now)
My husband went on for years sucking me into his game. I eventually had almost forget that his behaviour was anything to do with alcohol. I refused to accept unacceptable behaviour by removing myself from the house and just going somewhere else, or asking him to leave.

I had to accept that the alcohol stuff was his disease and not a weapon against me.
If he'd had alzheimers I would not have got angry because he forgot my name.
The trouble with alcoholism is that its probebly the only disease where those who love them cannot afford to show concern and try and help out. We who love them have to step back and just pray that they don't kill themselves or someone else....
Let go and let God really is an essential slogan,


My husband didn't stop drinking until HE had a spiritual awakening that broke through HIS denial. He accepted the AA program and began working on it. ( I think he'd been going to AA meetings for about 10 years?)
Before that point he was going to drink regardless of anything I said or did.
He would engage me in this game so that he could get angry or upset with me.
That would justify his need for drink.

There were pressures and stresses but his craving for drink had little to do with that. The stresses were the excuse he needed to justify his behaviour. His thinking didn't travel beyond himself and HIS needs.

Living with an active drinker is really hard. It is a choice though. I stayed as long as I could (23 years) but there came a time when I couldn't do it any more.

We seperated until he found sobriety. It took 2 years of seperation and the divorce proceedings had started. (I''m Catholic its not a decision I took lightly)

We are now just over 4 years from that point and happier together than I could ever have imagined. Its a hard road to travel, but the Alanon program really does work. Its not an instant fix though. Its a slow letting go and learning to living normally dispite the drama.

All I could do was learn the Alanon program and free myself from having my head hyjacked by him.

If in doubt keep the focus on you....
YOUR choices are what is important right now. I had to protect myself and my childrens welfare. We lost our house, he lost his driving license and his job
Your wife can only find her own way to sobriety by taking the consequences of her own actions.
By trying to protect her you may actually be stopping her fall and reaching the rock bottom she needs to work it all out for herself.

My husband is also a diabetic. He 'made' me take care of his medication. He blamed me if he forgot to take it. He ate foods he shouldn't and blamed me for high blood sugars, telling me I was a bad cook.

So now I refuse to have anything to do with his tablets. I cook what I like. He has a choice whether he eats it or not. I can't get offended if he chooses not the eat my food....He can work on his own blood sugars.
His diabetes is HIS issue, not mine

Now he has no one else to blame he keeps his medical appointments and his blood sugars ar now good (mind you giving up drinking helped but you get my meaning)

I choose not to be that person he can blame anymore.
I maybe married to him but hes a grown man with 3 grown up kids.
His choices are his choices.

We are normal people trying to have normal relationships with abnormal people. The usual rules don't apply. Alanon teaches us how to find serenity and to live with our choices.
I don't know if that helps at all
mon

Garrett,

Alcoholics are not bad people...alcoholics are people who drink...they don't drink because for you, or me, or relatives, or because they had a bad day, they drink because they are alcoholics. They drink because they have little or no control over their disease. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that only continues to get worse. The disease is always in control even when they are not drinking. It's a disease that takes over the A's mind, body and spirit. It is best defined as cunning, baffling, and powerful.

I live with an active alcoholic and I can relate to many of the things you brought up in your post from past and present....the enabling....drinking an driving....making messes....not being emotionally present at times. I accept that as part of the disease. I have no control over anyone but myself. Step one in our program states....We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable. Does that hit home with you? It did with me when came to the rooms of Al-Anon.....I knew it was so ....I just didn't want to admit it.

We don't offer advice, only our experience, strength, and hope. My "Hope" for you from my "Experience" is to suggest you try what worked for me to get the "Strength" you need to live in, and live with the disease of alcoholism. Find an Al-Anon meeting near you as I did several years ago where you can surround yourself with other members who have been effected by this disease, ask them how they used the tools of the Al-Anon program to make their life better. You need help whether your wife seeks help or not or whether she is drinking or not In the rooms of Al-Anon is where you will find that ticket for that help.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 8th of July 2010 12:28:13 PM

Aloha Garrett...Our recovery is best on several levels at the same time...Mind,
Body, Spirit and Emotions.  Getting my mind into recovery mean't learning how
to think differently.  Reading your post one of the things I learned how to think
and then communicate with my alcoholic was, "When I get you what you want,
(alcohol or whatever) I don't get what I want, (peace of mind, serenity, etc...)
So I won't do that.

Spiritual recovery was getting away from fear that things or life would turn out
in some fearful way for her/me/us if I didn't step in.  I wasn't giving God a
turn in the solution so I had no other reference than my own motivation and
intentions.

Emotionally I was fearful, anxious, angry and confused and in that state no
matter what I decided to do for whatever reason I made my situation worse.
I needed emotional balance even when I thought I was going crazy.
 
Physically I was as tense as wound up stainless steel.  So sick and unhealthy
and I needed the opposite or else the disease would continue to take my life
also.

Enabling her or the disease means you don't get what you need or want.  It
is voluntary victimization and martyrdom and also results in self hate.  I don't
think those are consequences you desire.

In support...(((hugs)))

I can definitley identify.  I lived for 7 years around the ex A who drove like a maniac.  I made the huge mistake of owning a  truck with him.  Every other week there was some crisis.  I sunk deeper and deeper and deeper into it.  I was such a wreck about him crashing (he did often) hiting people (thankfully he never killed anyone but he certainly hit a lot of people), fines, impoundments the works. 

Al anon helped me enormously.  First of all I got to come here and sound off.  There was much rage, bewilderment, chaos and fear.  I had to get it out there.  Voicing it to the ex A got me nowhere.  I got blamed, manipulated and cajoled.  I also found myself being responsible for him.

I currently live around an alcoholic roommate who is now in the last stages of the disease.  He can't go one moment wihtout drinking.  He's drunk from sun up to sundown and passes out every day.  I am far less involved with him but nevertheless he still manages to cause chaos every single day.  He manipulates eveyrone and has to be the center of attention at all times.

So I certainly know what you are talking about.  Al anon's tools can help you a great deal.  Learning to detach is so key.  I may get very angry and fed up with the alcoholic roommate (who is probably going to fall off the balcony or have his liver fail any minute) I also have perspective and know I am working on ways to get out of the situation.  I will not be around alcoholics in a living situation for ever.   I take a lot of steps to put boundairies in place.  Being an alcoholic he works real hard on pushing those boundaries whenever he can.  I'm esolute that I won't budge on them.

I'm also aware that being around an alcoholic who is committed to killing themselves is a lose lose situation.  He is killing himself and taking plenty of people along for the ride.  That is the epitome of alcoholism.  I am no longer a prisoner to it.  You can free yourself without feeling tremendous shame guilt and betrayal.  The more you can learn about alcoholism, your role in this and the tools the better. 

I hope you will give al anon a shot.  The tools work.  They creep up on you and give you a perspective that does help.  No one wants to be in the position you are in.  No on welcomes that.  You can certainly survive it.

I am glad you are here.

Maresie.

Hi Garrett,

Having been married to the XAH for 26 years, I can say that you make the boundaries.

I know that NOTHING, I mean NOTHING will stop an alcoholic from getting what they so compulsively need and want.

Hide the keys and she will stock up on booze, if its her car and her keys, let her go, you cannot save her from herself. If its your car then you have domain over it and its your rules.

If you absolutely dont want her driving the car when she is drunk, then hide the keys and let her walk. You cannot stop the consequences of her drinking. Its the most difficult thing you will have to do. Detaching is hard, but you must practice it for your own serenity.

When I was married to the A, I refused to even be in the car when he purchased alcohol and he was not allowed to drive my car and I never purchased alcohol for him. Those were my rules. I stuck by them. It didnt stop him from drinking , but I didnt not want to be associated with the alcohol.

Hope your attending Face to Face Alanon meetings. There a life saver.

Luv, Bettina

Thank you to everyone for your advice.  It has helped me tremendously!

**Update**

After my wifes episode (staying up late, asking for more wine, etc) last week, and I read the comments here, we had a talk.  She apologized for what she did, acknowledged she had a problem (she's known this for a long time), and said it wouldn't happen anymore (the usual). 

A few days later, she asked me if it was ok if she had some wine.  I told her she didn't have to ask me anymore.  She said ok, but asked if I would go to the store and get it for her.  I told her I wouldn't.  She asked how she was going to get it then and I told her she could drive and get it herself if she wanted it that bad.  She refused because she doesn't have cash and would have to use her credit card. 

It's not even been a week yet, but she still hasn't gone to the store.  That's a huge step, but I know how easily things can slip right back to where they were.  I kind of figured that she would say "the hell with it" and charge up her CC with wine anyway.  Apparently that isn't really her case.  She seems more concerned with her finances than drinking.  This surprised me and it looks like my enabling was a HUGE part of the problem.

To her credit, she's trying very hard.  When I was making it so easy for her it must have been even harder to slow down.  I can already see a change and things start to brighten slowly...I hope this trend continues.  The real test will be tomorrow when I give her her portion of the income.  She stays home with our son and I'm the only one employed, so her part is to cover gas and toys/entertainment, summer camp...which she's very good about doing.

If anyone can provide any more advice, please do so.  I'm far from being out of the woods.