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First Happy 4 July to my US MIP family. Wishing you all a great day.
I just wish I could say everything is going well in the Tattyhead household. AH is very ill and is in hospital having had upset stomach and not having eaten anything solid since April. He is skin and bone, having lost 3 1/2 stone (49lb) since Christmas. He has been on a week's de-tox regime and they are going to conduct further investigations next week. There may be more going on than just effects of alcoholism but, whatever it is, alcohol will be bound to have played a big part.
He managed to spirit away and smuggle in a bottle of brandy which was found and confiscated by nursing staff. These are my colleagues - I work in the same hopsital so I feel embarrased and be-littled by him. They also had to confiscate his cigarettes and lighter as he was lighting up next to oxygen supply! He is now taking this out on me. He is demanding I bring him cigarettes, is threatening to discharge himself and walk out. He is being, from his hospital bed, absolutely horrible to me.
So - why do I put up with it? Why do I care? Why on earth do I let him have this affect on me? I haven't a clue why - I know I have loved him for more than 30 of the 38 years we have been married (I have to exclude the last 5-6) but now I am just stressed, stressed, stressed!
Also not helping is the fact that my department (at work) is being re-structured - euphemism for cutting the budget and saving money. In the proposed new structure my job does not exist. At my age (61) I would love to tell them to stuff it and just retire for good but I need to keep earning for next 4 years - mostly to pay off loans AH ran up without my knowledge
I have another meeting re my job (the 1st had to be adjourned because I was so stressed) next Tuesday. I do have trade union rep supporting me and although at the 1st meeting I was just numb and all the fight gone out of me I now feel the fight coming back and they are not going to get rid of me that easily!
Thanks for "listening" to me once again, you'll never know how much you all being here helps me.
Thank you for the well wishes. The weather is beautiful here for the 4th.
I am sorry that you are experiencing the pain of this disease. I do understand the hospital thing, and the fact that these are your co-workers makes it more difficult. My brother, a "functioning alcoholic" was just in the hospital acting very much the same way. I suggested that his son ask Dr for the nicotine patch and a detox drug so that he would be more cooperative That seemd to work. He was diischarged a few weeks ago and is still on the patch, not smoking but back to booze.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 3rd of July 2010 05:49:54 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 3rd of July 2010 05:50:41 PM
Your husband's actions are in no way a reflection of you. I know you know this already. You haven't done anything wrong - you weren't the one that smuggled alcohol into the hospital. No need to feel any embarrassment for his actions. I do understand conceptually why it would be awkward having your coworkers in the mix. I am sure they have all seen sick people in a detox before, and I doubt your husband is different from a lot of others. I haven't been through detox personally, but understand that it can cause a lot of anxiety and irritability.
Hang in there, and remember not to take your AH's words personally right now. When I am interacting with someone that is not kind to me, I like to visualize myself wearing a scuba diving wet suit. The words are like water - they can't come in the suit. :)
If this was me, I would keep some distance from him. I mean I would not visit him while he's going tru this and being so rude even though he's going tru detox. The nicotine patch might help.
(((((Trish)))))...you don't have to put up with or go thru the abuse and manipulations of the disease or the alcoholic. Being a nurse (care taker) is one answer to the question why you do...you're professional grade!! Most of your patients do not abuse you or hospital rules from their bed. It is your part in the problem that you have to change and you have to learn what that is. When I learned that inspite of all of my intentions not to support my alcoholics drinking problems I enabled it anyway, that is when I started working the program hard and doing my homework. I was also told I didn't have to put up with it. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Hi Tish.....Ive learned to get out the firing line, especially during a detox! Theyre insane when theyre drinking and insane when theyre detoxing. Its horrible to be the sober person on the sidelines because my emotions always used to make me accept the unacceptable. As Jerry said....I dont have to put up with it......My son is in detox at the moment and Im steering clear!
Glad your hubby is getting help, he may not be liking it much right now but every day he stays is a good day eh? The nicotine patch is a good idea. Anything that can ease some of his anxiety can only help.
I too seem to be living with ongoing stresses at the mo and find going for a massage really helps me de-stress like nothing else can, I try to have it late afternoon so I can go home eat dinner have a bath and then sleep......it knocks me for six and sleep is a welcome bonus in my life!!
My friend from across the pond, so glad you have posted.
There are so many elements of your post that I can relate to....So many hospitalizations and rehab stays for my AH were just like what you describe. I guess it felt like his participation was being forced on him, and really, when I look back, it was. There were so many times I said, (please) do this or else.......It's no wonder he came to see me as the gatekeeper. The doctors, nurses and rehab staff also came to see me that way. I had no trouble reinforcing that I was in charge!
Over time, I realized that I took too much responsibility for my AH's outcome. It was really up to him and his HP. I remember very clearly a time when I "let go and let god". My AH was in hospital for his umpteenth detox, the staff there came to me and said that he really MUST go into a rehab and would I like to review his options? I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders at that moment. I looked at them and said that they should definitely discuss my AH options with him. And I would not like to be present! I became able to take the same approach with my AH - I was able to love him, but not take responsibility that he owned. I recognized that my AH's choices may lead to very bad consequences for him, and as you know, eventually they did. But after many times butting my head against a brick wall, I also realized that the choices I tried to take for him, had no better outcome because they got in the way of him and his HP connecting.
Tish, I put up with it and did the control behaviors for so long because I loved him with all my heart. After a long relationship full of love, it's hard to let that go, even when addiction changes who they are expressing themselves as. You are not bad or wrong, but you feel bad because you know that you need to let him and his HP do what's right for him and that scares you. Have faith Tish, and step out of the way.
Lots of Love, Rocky
-- Edited by Rocky38 on Sunday 4th of July 2010 12:57:58 PM
I well understand the whole issue of dealing with someone who blames you for everything. I did it for 7 years. I lived my life on maximum stress for ever.
I certainly do not live in a great situation now. Money is a huge issue for me, work is also an issue (in this economy) you are certainly not alone.
I don't know if you have a sponsor but I do recommend getting one. That relationship can be a very supportive one.
I also think having a sponsor keeps bringing you back to the program rather than to beating yourself up.
I am glad you are here and reaching out for support, you certainly deserve it.
Detaching for me was a very very difficult skill to learn, another was over responsibility for others. I neglected myself horribly for years in my rush to help others, put others first and myself last. Now is the to put yourself first, set limits and focus on feeling better.
