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OK...it's confession time. I did something today that I knew I shouldn't. As a result, my AH is not speaking to me. I feel so silly now ... at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. So here goes...
My AH has been sober for a little over a year - this time. He had over 20 years the first time and went out. He managed to not drink for 7 years then started again. On his last escapade, he managed to contract alcoholic hepititis, pancreatitis, and was diagnosed with cirrhosis. He was told that to drink again would be writing his death sentence. Recently, his behavior has changed - spending lots of money, leaving the house frequently to go on "errands," etc. I find myself wondering if he's drinking again although I've not smelled any alcohol when I'm around him. I wish I could say I am practicing the "Live and Let Live" philosophy. Not today, however. When he said he was going on one of his "errands" today, I found a reason to go on my own errand (to the post office) and drove by the place where he said he was going. When I did, his car was not there so I circled the block to check a second time to make sure. As I was pulling away, there he was! My AH beat me home. As I entered the house, he started yelling at me and asked why I was following him. I didn't deny my actions and told him that he'd been acting different lately. I admit it ... I told him, "He'd earned my distrust!" Now, I'm getting the silent treatment.
I know I have an amends to make to him. I am embarassed to say, however, that a small part of my heart says I was justified in my actions. Boy, that's where progress not perfection comes in to play, doesn't it?
Hmm -- well, as Al-Anoners who are trying to keep the focus on ourselves and not on controlling our A's, we try to stay away from snooping, bottle-counting, and so forth. Because we already know that if they're alcoholics, they drink, right?
On the other hand, when I was married to my A and he'd been in AA and sober (as far as I knew) for a few months, and he started acting strangely, I was very motivated to figure out what was going on. Was he drinking again, or was I so paranoid that I saw it everywhere? The reason I needed to know was that I was about at the end of the line with the drinking. He swore he was working his program and our marriage had promise and everything was hunky-dory. But my question was: was that true? I remember one day when I found some bags and looked in them and found my answer -- a pile of empty beer cans. That was when I knew the marriage was over. Not that this was a quick decision -- we had been through years of chaos, court-ordered rehab, legal costs, etc. etc. on account of his drinking.
So in that case, I'm glad I "snooped." I needed to know what the reality was.
If you decide that what you did is something you regret, it seems to me that that might be something to make up for and work on for yourself, maybe with your sponsor or your group. I dunno if the A is the one who should hold the key to your "forgiveability." Wasn't it yourself you hurt, rather than him? Just my thoughts.
I certainly hear you and know that living with this disease taught me that it was unrealistic to "Trust" someone until they earned that trust. Your trust in your Husband has been badly shaken.
Program taught me to place my trust in HP and the fact that "What we need to know will be revealed at the right time by HP" That is easy to do many days but at times when" Doubt raises" its ugly head I too revert to old destructive behavior like checking up. It does not improve a situation and makes the situation worse.
You have owned what you did to your husband so please forgive yourself and the best ammend you can make is to not practice the behavior in the future.
I know for myself I'd like to get to a point in my life where I can trust my intuition and go with it instead of deciding I have to snoop and find confirming evidence.
Why will I not trust my intuition? Why do I HAVE to have proof or keep digging until I do find the evidence I dread finding?
Theta you got yourself good that time and it smeared all over your alcoholic too. I learned it Hotrods way also...Forgive myself, don't do it again as possible and apologize to the alcoholic. When you got that gut feeling that you were doing the wrong thing...that's when you got yourself...going against your recovery value system. But hey you get to practice the amends and apology part of the program there's a gratitude for you. Ditch the shame and guilt feeling.
If he's working a good program this should not rock his boat unless his ego and pride are working it for him.
I have slipped so many times in my recovery it's a good thing I have lots of padding back there! I have done things just like that. It's just that when they get sober you want them to stay sober for all of the family not just themselves. At least that's what it was for me. The beauty of recovery is that we can restart it as often as we want. It's about progress not perfection. Hang in there, you're doing just fine. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I know for myself, I used to do that all the time. It drove me crazy!!! I guess I have gotten to the point that I don't care. It is his problem and he needs to deal with it. If your AH is "sneaking" you will find out soon enough. They can never hide it for too long before it is totally out of control. Try to focus on you and get yourself well. I finally figured out that even if I drive all over and try and figure out what he's doing, all it did was cause ME pain. You need to decide how much you are willing to take and go from there. We all need love, respect, and trust in our lives. So.... today is a new day and start over. Your AH should certainly understand the whys of you checking up on him. When they abuse our trust, it is extremely difficult to try to trust them again. Baby steps....
Its kinda like getting your hand caught in a cookie jar and saying ( not me ) and we wonder why people think were crazy ???? make your apology quick and promise yourself that u won't do that again .. your human we make mistakes forgive yourself and have a great day .
