The material presented
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I posted on here a few months ago and got several wonderful responses. however my husband saw it and got very angry and it made me not want to return for some reason. I am in a different place now.
for a recap, my husband and I got married in August of 2009. I had just graduated from college and was so excited to marry him. He always drank a lot but had stopped the few months before we got married so i wasn't really concerned about it. On our honeymoon he drank excessively and was mean to me at times. Once we got home his drinking spiraled way out of control and he blew through so much of our wedding money. meanwhile i was the only one working. he drank almost every night of the week and was viciously cruel to me, threatening me several times. the truly bad nights i would leave the house and stay with my mother. he "tried" several times to quit but never did. On December 30 I left him for 5 days, staying at my mother's. I reached out to his family several times asking for them to talk to him with me but they always refused and ignored my calls. Part of me felt so guilty about leaving because i knew no one in his family woudl help.
after talking with my family he made a million promises to them and me about quitting. well i came back and he was sober for 2 1/2 months (as far as i know) before starting to drink again. it didn't get as bad as it was in the fall so for awhile I just denied to myself that it was happening again. about 3 weeks ago he got so drunk and cruel and was throwing things at me and threatening me in ways he never had before. i was terrified for my life. my instincts told me to leave so i did. he chased me out of the house and i drove off as fast as i could in tears. i stayed away for the night and came back the next day telling him we needed to separate. we talked for about 7 hours and he was sobbing on the floor begging me to stay and saying he would do anythign i want.
for about a week we discussed seperation and divorce every day. meanwhile he wasn't drinking. soon we started talking about it less and less and even though i was thinking about it every day i didn't want to keep bringing it up. well he had been perfectly sober for about a week and half. i was at a craft fair with my mom and i tried to get in touch with him througout the day. he wasn't answering calls or texts. when he would text me it was very bizarre. we talked once while i was driving home and his sobriety seemed questionable but i couldnt quite tell. when i got home he was perfectly calm and articulate but i could see that a part of him was missing and replaced with alcohol. i tried to talk to him about it the next day but he just swore up and down he didnt drink. i checked his bank account (we never merged them because i didnt wanthim to take my money, for awhile he was giving me his checks) and i saw a withdrawl at the liqour store. his bank usually takes about 3-5 days to show a debit charge. when i told him this he claimed it was3 from the time he drank 2 weeks ago. i told him i didnt believe him because it doesnt take any bank 2 weeks to process payment, but he insisted.
since then i have been in a trance. i love him so much but he will not stop drinking. i am too young for this, not that anyone of any age should have to deal. but i am 21 yrs old, no children, just graduated, have a million things in life to do. he is different. 27, almost 28. no degree, can barely hold a job, and won't stop drinking. recently he began work at a new position but he works wednesday-sunday and has monday and tuesday off. all day today i haven't been able to get in touch with him. when i finally did he was weird and confused on the phone. i think he is drinking but i dont know. what do i do at this point? i love him so much WHEN he is sober, but of course I want to be able to rely on him as a husband and as the future father of my children....what do i do now? I want to know from those who saw drinking as a problem in the early parts of their marriage, did it ever go away? do you regret not leaving before having children? i need some serious advice...i am heartbroken about the idea of ending it but i know deep down i could live with it. i just dont want to. i just dont trust him at all anymore and i dont know if i am willing to stay to work on it. but of course something always makes me stay...
I am sure you know that we do not offer advice in Alanon. We share our esh (experience, strength and hope) With what I know about alcoholics I have to say that I would not have any children with them while working on the marriage. You only have yourself to take care of now with no children involved. Children make it much more difficult. Please try to go to face to face meetings where you can hear others share their esh. You do not have to make any major decisions today. Find out as much as you can about the disease. Some get into recovery and never relapse. Some never get into recovery. That is why you can only take care of you. You did not cause his alcoholism, you cannot control it and you certainly cannot cure it but you can get into recovery for yourself before making any changes in your life.
My sponsor commonly discussed the duck analogy with me. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck... it IS a duck! (I've even changed my AH's ringtone on my phone to a quacking duck sound, haha)
This disease really did a number on me as far as my being capable of trusting my own instincts. Where my A is concerned, I used to suspect he was lying to me a lot.. but then I'd ask him and he'd always come up with these excuses that seemed plausible. So I'd sit there in this weird place of trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but still feeling like something just wasn't right. It created a lot of self-doubt for me.
I think it's kind of a mean-spirited thing to say, but I have heard some people tell this joke: How do you know when an alcoholic is lying? It's when his lips are moving.
I think it's true, but then again, it's not. From reading in the Big Book of AA, I can understand that a lot of the time when an A makes a promise, you can be pretty sure at the time that they really TRULY with all their heart and soul had the intentions to follow through with their promise at the time they made it. However, the disease of alcoholism will take over soon after and once they are confronted with the urge to drink, the disease wins and makes a liar out of them. it's a nasty cycle for the alcoholic and for their loved ones.
I can tell you I can feel the raw pain you must be feeling after just getting married to suddenly find you've legally bound yourself to someone who's turned out to be a complete stranger. I'd been married to my AH three months and then my world came crashing down around me when I discovered he was hiding a sexual identity issue and discovered he'd been making arrangements to meet up with other men for sex.
I kept feeling used and like I need to "get out now!!", but I still had a lot of that self-doubt to work through. I had a lot of "what if" questions rattling through my head, so instead of divorcing him right away, I went to Al-Anon and just kept working the program until I finally came to a point where I just knew without a doubt that enough was enough. And it was a gentle knowing, not full of fear, doubt and urgency.
If there's any advice I'd supply here, it's just to get to some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. Keep going back. Find a sponsor and start working the steps. Stay or leave, your answers will come if you give the program a chance and give yourself some time.
Glad you had the courage to come back. Please try face to face meetings, reading the literature, and learning as much as you can about alcoholism. We are drawn to these people sometimes. Myself included. It could be that we feel comfortable with the situations that we grew up with. That being said for me, what my AHsober showed when I was 24 when I married him never went away. He has been sober for over 20 years. He use to work a program but doesn't do anything anymore. He left 5 years ago. He is what they call a dry drunk - drinking behavior without the alcohol. He said he didn't love me and never did and walked out the door. Your never know how things will turn out. But they need to take care of their problem and we need to take care of ourselves. You can't cure it, you can't control it, and you didn't cause it.
Welcome back ,before making any life altering decissions please try f2f Al-Anon meetings for yourself , you need support from people who understand exacttlywhat your going thru ..this is a disease and it is progressive it only gets worse as your already seeing .. it only takes one person to change to create change and if we want change we have to be willing to creat it . you say u love him and do not want to leave so you have nothing to loose by attending meetings for a few months to see how u feel then .. there is always hope never give up , especially on yourself . Your not the reason he is drinking regardless of what he says , your simply not powerful enough to make any one drink or stop . This disease will say anything do anything to get what it needs , believe what your seeing not what you hear . Get the focus back on yourself where it belongs ..no one deserves to live in fear . take care of you . Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Tuesday 29th of June 2010 02:04:10 AM
lmz723 wrote: about 3 weeks ago he got so drunk and cruel and was throwing things at me and threatening me in ways he never had before. i was terrified for my life. my instincts told me to leave so i did. he chased me out of the house and i drove off as fast as i could in tears.
Welcome lmz,
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and the behaviors exhibited by my xAH continued to depths I would have never thought possible. Your statement does not describe alcoholism symptoms alone but also abuse. And could easily progress along with the disease. Please be careful and take care of yourself.
Educating myself about alcoholism, learning the tools and following the steps of Alanon helped me with all the questions I had as to what were the best decisions for myself. There are healthy ways of living with how alcoholism has affected my life. I hope you continue coming here and find f2f meetings in your area for support
Jen
-- Edited by Jennifer on Monday 28th of June 2010 07:24:54 PM
I have to agree with Jennifer. Not only is the alcoholism a problem, he is abusive. I can say for myself, my AH was a "happy" drunk for the first 25 years of marriage. Then as the progression evolved, he changed. He was so angry and bitter at everyone and everything. Would I have stayed if have known? That is a tough, tough question. I don't know if I could honestly answer that. I DO wish that I had found this site when I was 21!!!! I didn't understand alcoholism and everything that comes along with it. Read the literature, go to F2F meetings, read the book that is listed above (Getting them Sober), and do a lot of soul searching. I will admit to one thing.... I will NEVER cure my AH's alcoholism. Only he and his HP can do that. Good luck to you and keep coming back... it does work if you work it!!
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Good morning, IMZ, and welcome. So many members here have spoken so many kind and helpful words to you. I, too, understand your feelings, so I will not repeat what you have already read.
I am totally baffled to hear someone say to you, "As you know, we do not give advice....." when your situation requires a definitive answer. You feel as though your life has been threatened by this man. This threat is to be taken seriously. Many women do nothing to protect themselves, and later pay a terrible price as the consequence of their inaction. Please take care of yourself. Please see to your safety, I beg you. We want you around for a long time.
My sincere good wishes,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thank you all so much for your support and words of courage. All of your personal stories and experiences give me so much to think about. I think I will definitely try to go to some local meetings. No one in my family and none of my friends understand because none of them know any alcoholics (that they know of). It is amazing just to hear how much you can all relate to my experiences. I am sure face to face meetings would give me that same comfort.
All of you that said it is abusive are completely right. I am terrified when he drinks because I know deep down it can and most likely will turn into physical abuse if I stay. I'm learning more and more that it is not in my control and that my words won't mean anything. Neither will my threats. He may have a disease but he is making the choice not to get help and that is somethign I cannot forgive. Yesterday he was drunk and I found a 1.5 liter bottle of vodka under the bed that was almost empty. When he sobered he started a fight with me about our lack of sex life (although who wants to have sex with an alcoholic) and how he has been such a good husband the last three weeks (the last time he admitted to drinking) and I confronted him with the bottle. I went in the other room and heard him shuffling around the house and then go outside to throw the bottle in the recycling. I had assumed he dumped it but instead he drank the rest and got drunk all over again. I slept on the couch.
Anyway, I know it won't get better. I guess that is a realization I am coming to. It makes you feel like you aren't enough when the dissolution of your marriage isn't enough for him to want to get help. But i know this isn't about me. I hope when I do start going to the meetings that I come to that realization like you all have. I also hope to come to that calm realization that Aloha mentioned. I just don't want anymore of this in my life.
Alcoholism doesn't have anything to do with "loving you enough to quit" or you not being "good enough". It is a compulsion to drink that we will never understand unless we are, ourselves, an alcoholic. Nothing comes before that one drink. I think that was the toughest thing for me to understand. No amount of whining, begging, bitching, or bargaining could stop my AH from drinking until HE decided that he needed help. Your top priority should be to be safe. Go to F2F. It really does help you learn about the effects of alcoholics and how it in turn, effects us and how to live a normal life with or without them. By the time my AH went to his fourth rehab, I was probably sicker than him psychologically. I have been taking very deliberate steps to get myself well so if my AH does decide to drink again, I will be able to make good, sound choices for myself. You need to focus on you and leave your AH to his HP. The program does work, if you work it. Baby steps....
