Another Relapse.. - Al-Anon Family Group

katfshh · Senior Member

Another Relapse..

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Kathy,

Those wonderful kind loving caring men have a disease. Alcohol is a mind altering drug. Thats the reality of loving an alcoholic.

Unless he arrests his drinking, he will continue. I was married to the xah for 26 years. He has times of sobriety, but always goes back to the alcohol. Not a good percentage of recovering A's. , but it is possible.

Seems like the disease is paralyzing your activities, like taking your 11 year old to the movies.

It would be better for you to wrap your mind around your reactions to the disease and to concentrate on your recovery. This disease is a killer not only to the A, but the people involved with the A, it kills our spirit, it can affect every aspect of our life if we let it.

Alanon is about your recovery and thats where your mind set should be, let the Alcoholic take care of himself.

I too started dating my boyfriend from high school after 45 years, I just had separated from the A, what I found , and he wasnt an A, is its hard to go backwards. We were different people after so many years. I broke it off.

Its really time Kathy to concentrate on you and to be strong enough to make those wise decisions for your life and your daughter. Have you been to a Face to Face Alanon meeting.?
Keep coming back also to hear the experiences, strength and hope of the spouses and family members who are dealing with this cunning, baffling disease.

Hugs n luv, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Sunday 27th of June 2010 04:45:28 PM

katfshh · Senior Member

I have not been to a face to face meeting, but I will this week. I need it. My 19 year old son was in detox last Oct for addiction to heroin. He was smoking it. All of the closest friends he grew up with were also addicted. He relapsed a few weeks ago. He is living with his dad now. I was going crazy over that too. It's like I cannot get away from addicts. But, I can break up with my boyfriend. I can't with my son. I just keep hoping that my son will stay straight. If he falls backwards, I really don't know if I will make it through it..

jewel91 · Member

I think we must be twins...
The same thing happened btw me an AH yesterday and today.
That's why I'm sooo happy 2 have found this message board. I see now that I'm not alone in this situation. There are so many people just like me that are trying to make the best of a bad problem.
All I can do is to allow being around or even speaking to him while we under the influence. So what if you don't answer your phone until he wakes up sober? he won't die. He'll probably wake up and won't even remember anything...

katfshh · Senior Member

True. I keep trying to tell myself to imagine he is out of the country and can't call or talk. Because this evil twin, is not my man. I am trying to just remember that it's the alcohol talking and the good guy will appear when and if he is ready. It's just so consuming, the worry, the praying, the grieving. Ya know. I really, really am trying hard not to make an effort to communicate with him right now. It's wothless, and he doesn't want to talk to me anyway. He wants to be drinking right now, and I'm just a thorn in his side. And the only thing that happens is me being more and more miserable. Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate all the input I am getting!!

Kathy

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

This is truly a disease and it is progressive it only gets worse , please find meetings for yourself and your family, for me the best way to support our loved ones is to have a program of our own , keeps us busy and out of thier stuff . We are enablers and until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing will change . this is not easy I know but we have to back off every time we save them , we keep the disease going we are actually helping them use or drink , ugh that ticked me off . I was h elping him drink ???
You need support from people who understand what your going thru ,this board is great but f2f offers so much more .. people with skin on em work . hehe
Your boy friend will have to make his own decissions , only he knows when he has had enough nothing u do or say will make him stop the decission is his and his alone .
Alcoholics treat us the way they feel about them selves , they dont feel lovable and no matter how much we try nothing we do works . Love will not cure this disease .. good luck Louise

katfshh · Senior Member

How does it always get worse? I know people that are sober for 15+ years!

Kathy

katfshh · Senior Member

So, he keeps texting me right now. So, I finally replied, "I won't talk to you until you are sober, let me know when that happens." He texts back, "K", then a minute later texts me back again and says, "let me know when you got your sh*** together, K?"
He is just so hateful. I am an RN, I have 4 kids, 20, 18, 16, and 10. I have my own home, no roommates, like he does. I have a good car. He has no drivers liscense because of his DUI's....why is he trying to turn this on me? When he was sober, he was so amazed that someone like me would be with him. Ugh...So, confusing to my head and heart.

Kathy

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

It gets worse if they continue to drink. The ONLY way it gets better is to find sobriety. Some never do. For some the alternative is insanity or death.

We need to worry less about them. We can't control a thing they do, but DO have control over ourselves. If you are not leaving your house and not going to a movie with your daughter, you can surely see the affects that alcohol has on you. Unfortunately, it is now affecting your daughter too.
I have learned that alcoholism only takes from us what we willingly give. We have CHOICES.
I hope you do attend the meeting this week.

Christy

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Kathy and welcome...It is from being within the program; meetings, literature,
sponsorship, learning and practicing and more that you come to understand what the
oldtimers have learned and know and pass on to us. You will learn about progression
in the groups. You can also learn it from the AMA site checking into alcoholism. This
disease doesn't stop...it cannot be cured, only arrested by total abstinence. What and
who it gets a hold of; both the alcoholic and the family, friends and associates, it will
screw up. Sobriety isn't about just not drinking in AA and other successful recovery
programs it is about not drinking and changing every other aspect of your thinking,
feeling, believing and acting. Total change!! That is how powerful alcoholism is...
simply? it destroys.

Get into the face to face meetings in your area and keep coming back also to MIP
to share your journey and reach out for additional support. If you want more input
on the progression of the disease continue to ask the question.

(((((hugs))))) smile

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Kathy,

I too have a son who is an addict and my heart totally goes out to you. Each time I think I can't take it anymore somehow I find the strenght through my HP.
My only thought about your boyfriend is this....
You said he was moving with you in Aug... My question to you is, is this what you want to expose your children to? You see how it is affecting you ( even long distance) have you considered the ramifications of how it will affect your children when you are all under one roof. Your choice is really none of my business I know so please I mean no offense but I would just like you to consider not only is he an active alcholic but you describe a jekell/hyde personality where he is very mean to you ( the person he loves ) how will he treat your children. Just something for you to think about.
I wish you only the best of luck and
Blessings in recovery

katfshh · Senior Member

I agree. He can't move in here. When we got back together after all the years, he was sober. I was blindsided, after everything we talked about, how committed he was to staying Sober. He was going to meetings 5-7 nights a week. Then he got a new job, and most of the days he worked 12+ hours, 7 days a week. So, he hardly went to meetings. When he relapsed last month, he got a new sponser, and was doing whatever it took to make his sobriety number 1. He took days off work instead of 7 days a week, and he kept in touch with people from AA on a daily basis. Then suddenly on Saturday, his behavior changed. So, again I was blindsided. I figured after the one relapse, which he quickly turned around, he was committed. But, now I see that this is a pattern. He has had as much as 5 years sober in the past. But, apparently he is losing himself to the disease over and over, recently. =(

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