The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married for 10 months... He used to drink A LOT and our relationship ended 2 times because of it. I got pregnant 4 months before we got married and I told him 20 days before the wedding that I would call it off if he didn't stop drinking. To my complete suprise he quit drinking and he stayed sober for 8 months. Those 8 months were rough on me because I went from being pregnant and super uncomfortable to a brand new mommy which is superoverwhelming. My husband started smoking weed and he is now high every night and he promised that would not happen. He says its because I didn't appreciate him sober before but he doesn't understand what I have been through either. I know that I am not the reason he is getting high every night even though he seems to think so. I am now staying at my parents with our son because I can't stand even being around him right now and I do not want to fight in front of our son. I love my husband but I need to give my son a better life then having a father that is high every night. Any advice is appreciated.
Well first of all its not your fault that he is addicted to weed. Trying to put it on you because he is in denial.
There is not much you can do about his addiction, but there is something you can do for yourself. If you can try and go to a face to face alanon meeting or narcanon. If not keep coming back to this board where you can read and learn from the experiences of other women and men who are going thru the same problems with their spouses or family members with addiction.
We do know that pleading, crying, being upset, yelling will fall on deaf ears and will not change him. He has to want to do that for himself.
You will learn that you do have choices and will be able to make the decisions that are correct for your life. We do say give the program a chance before you make any drastic decisions regarding the marriage. You dont want to do that in the heat of anger.
Keep coming back . Were here for you anytime....Hugs, Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Saturday 26th of June 2010 03:53:10 AM
Regarding his addiction- you didn't cause it , you can't cure it, you can't control it.
Somehow, we tend to take it all on and it causes us to harbor guilt, anger, frustration, just to name a few... and then our thinking tends to get distorted.
When I first came to alanon several years ago, I didn't get it- even after giving it 6 months. My mind was racing to force solutions and I wasn't hearing the messages. I left alanon but returned; I found this is the only place where I can really get the help I need; the only place where people understand what I've been through and offer help that does work.
Working the principles does improve my life. It would have been interesting to work them while married... I'm glad you are here.
You are definitly in the right place Of course he doesn't see it as a problem no addict does until they hit bottom. Until then they see it as YOUR problem and your causing it you know like making them use by _____ fill in the blank it could be anything. My son is an addict and I swear some days I couldn't even breathe right, or look at him right or he would use it as an excuse to use. Kudos to you for putting you and your baby first and foremost cause thats where the addict is putting himself. Remember this is a progressive disease and without recovery things will always get worse. Remember there is nothing you can do to stop his using or to make him use. You are not that powerful. I keep the 3 C's in my back pocket so to speak at all times You didnt cause it You cant control it You cant cure it Now is the time to work on YOU. Cause in many cases we are just as sick as our A's in my case I think I was sicker before I walked thru the doors of alanon. Your husband is going to do as he pleases until he hits bottom unfortunatly for some that is death ( my worst fear). So as he goes about his business your job is to get healthy for your sake and your babies sake. Please get to some meetings... we have awesome meetings here online too Blessings to you
My husband doesn't see it as a problem either or a drug for that matter. I am new to alanon and have found great support here. Just because I know I didn't cause, can't cure it, or control it i need to be reminded that his addiction is not my problem. I am learning to take care of me.
I am relieved to know that I don't have to make any big decisions regarding my marriage right now.
That's all I have so far to go in my alanon recovery. Going to a meeting now.
Thank you for all the advice :) I can't begin to explain how much weight has been lifted off my shoulders just by knowing that I did not cause my husbands addiction and that I can't control it or cure it. Knowing that in the back of my head really helps me to take better care of myself. I am definitely going to attend some face to face alanon meetings. Thank you again!
