The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After 2 weeks of procrastinating, I finally made it to my first F2F meeting last night. It was okay, the people were pretty nice, but I'm just not sure this is going to be for me. They meet once a week and suggest that you try to make at least 6 meetings before you decide for or against continuing, so that's what I'll try to do. It just seemed that everyone there had much worse situations than mine, and I was ashamed to talk about my problems for fear of everyone thinking,"What's SHE got to complain about? (esactly what my AH implies all the time). My problems just seemed so insignificant compared to all I was hearing. Also, when it was over, no one came up to me to make conversation or anything, and I just kind of wandered out alone (again!). I'm an extremely shy person anyway, and it is hard for me to make the first move. I felt kind of like I used to in high school when I would go to club meeting of some kind only to find that everybody there had their own little group and no one invited me to join in with them. I have to say, at this point I find much more comfort and strength by coming to this site and reading what all of you have to say. I feel a sense of belonging here that I didn't get at the F2F. But I will keep trying because this time I am going to do all that I can do to help myself become the person I know I can be!
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
I have to say that attending 6 meetings is a good idea. There are some that will meet more of your needs than others.
There are no requirements to talk. If you are more comfortable right now just observing and listening, do just that. You don't have to have major life changing situations to benefit from Al-anon. I don't but at some point I might and I want to be prepared for that should it go that way.
Trying a few more is a good idea, I think, hopefully you can find one that you are comfortable joining in. In the meantime, I agree completely, there are so many helpful and nice people on this site.
The best of luck to you and even if you don't have a plethora of problems remember that there is no so thing as being just a little bit alcoholic. The illness is destructive and can escalate.
Congrats on having the courage to go to the meeting!! I too would recommend giving yourself the chance by going back for those 6 meetings.
Your reasons for going to Al-Anon are yours and they are just as valid as anyone else's. Eveyone's story is unique and yet we all share a common bond that unites us in the fellowship.
Each person's pain is there own and is truly no "better" or "worse" than anyone else's. I can listen in a meeting and hear someone else say something and think, wow, now THERE is a problem I am glad I have never had, and I am grateful for that. That however doesn't make my problems any less valid to me. It can make them seem less important however. And honestly, that is the whole idea, making my problems seem less important. When that happens they stop being the focal point of my existance and just possibly I can get on with the business of living, focusing on the positive things in my life. Working the program gives me the opportunity to take steps in the right direction!
Every meeting has a different feel to it, its chemistry. Some groups are healtheir than other ones. I agree with david, the reasons are valid to you and so are your feelings. It isnt fair to judge and compare what people are going through. I did that for a long time, I was pre judging them and I was judging me, too. If it hurts you, it hurts and that is it. That is relevant. Dont listen to the nasty hurtful things ur AH says, as he is trying to keep you hurting, bc it feeds the disease and makes it easy for him to continue what he is doing. Focus on YOU and what you can change. Your opinion of YOU is what is relevant in your life, not other's opinions. This is YOUR life after all!
Check out some different mtgs in your area, we also have meetings online (in our chat room) and they are very good.
I would have felt the same way, in the past, 'no one talked to me, no one reached out' -well, we are all there for the same reason, so it is ok. Walk up and say "hi, im new here" and that will likely start a dialogue. Alanon is all about YOU. If you want help and you want to change, you can do it! and you are worth it! hope u keep coming back and give the program a try, it works when we work it.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Way to go Never Going Back! I'm so glad that you went. The first meeting is the toughest. Not all people at your meetings are going to be "right" for you. There are many personalities out there. But the common goal is for YOU to recover from being affected by alcoholism. Some meetings don't really pertain to a problem that I have or have encountered. But, by just listening at these meetings, I can still take something home with me. Don't give up. Keep going back. You are NOT alone even if you have that feeling. Some meetings are "better" than others. Some of the people at my meetings have been going for a long time and you can tell that they are very comfortable with each other. I haven't really clicked with the "old timers" as far as going out for coffee after, but I guess I never really thought about it that way. I have good friends "out of the program". I'm there to learn, to understand, and to grow in acceptance, and if by chance I "click" with some ... great... if not, I can still absorb all that they have learned and how they are living with the disease. Next week may just knock you on your butt with the topic and change your life.... Peace to you, baby steps....
When the world says "Give Up" , HOPE whispers... "Try one more time."
I'm glad you went and are willing to continue. Yes, it is about you! You reminded me of a meeting a few weeks ago where a newcomer came and left, and no one said anything to her. The group is small, and the people very nice, but they were caught up in conversation. I was cleaning up, and saw her standing there, but I didn't know what to say. I am not an outgoing person either, and have left many meetings without talking to anyone. Anyhow, I felt bad, and actually shared this with my sponsor. She is one whom always goes up to newcomers, so I asked her what there is to say. She said she just always tells them she is glad they came, and shares her favorite literature. Ahhhh... so simple!
If you keep going back, most likely things will change. New people, new dynamics. If not, there are lots of different meetings and I encourage you to try those too. Yes, some stories are more tragic than others, but all are important and valid, and we learn from each other.
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Everybody is at a different point with the alcoholic. By you going to Alanon now, you will be even that much ahead of the situation since you dont have any horrific stories. Some of us wait too long to get relief.
Remember that alcoholism if not arrested follows a progression.
Also, you can try different meetings, one that suits you , but the message will remain the same, Keep coming back, because it works if you work it. Remember the program is about you, not the A. Luv, Bettina
D you may remember hearing at the end of the meeting at the reading of the closing the statement "....if you keep and open mind your will find help." Please practice that for now and you can do it well at MIP as your read and ponder post and response.
Al-Anon is full of shy and withdrawn people...Alcoholism in my life grew very well be cause I was sooo afraid to do or not do anything. I was told in early program to never discount my experiences that brought me to the doors of the meeting rooms meaning thinking that my experiences "weren't sooo bad". That thought would keep me in the problem and give me more reason to carry on in the insanity and that is why it took me two attempts at the program. I got sicker thinking I wasn't so sick.
I learned how to reach out and ask Please!! help me openly when I got in on the second trip. That was my part toward getting myself healed.
Good first attempt...do them one at a time. (((((hugs)))))
NGB: I see your frustration, sometimes I go to meetings & still feel left out even after all these years! I guess it just depends on the meeting; don't give up! There will be good meetings where you feel more comfortable. I have been doing more work at times on this site because sometimes I can't make meetings. And, I do remember those same situations in high school, too! Someitmes it seems like people still get into cliques even into adulthood! It just seems so dysfunctional even though you are trying to get help! I hope these people will accept you & you won't feel awful when you leave the meetings. ODAT Kathleen
I've learned one of my own character flaws is that I like to isolate myself. I will spend a lot of time convincing myself that I'm different from everyone - that I don't fit in. That my problems are more unique than other peoples' problems or that my problems are not as bad and I shouldn't be complaining.
I can be in a room full of loving caring people and still at times convince myself I'm all alone when I'm experiencing the disease in its full nastiness.
I can say from my own experience while attending f2f meetings is that I really don't sit there and judge others. The only person I judge is myself. When I hear someone discussing their experiences, I don't sit there and think "What's that person got to complain about? She should try walking in MY shoes!" Instead, I'll hear how they're using the Al-Anon tools, applying them to their own situation and think to myself... "Hey, that's a good idea. Maybe I could try that." or "Hmm... probably not what I'd try, but it's making me think of trying this other solution instead..."
Definitely get to at least six face to face meetings in as short a time as possible. That means, if there's more than just the one meeting you went to, get to others in the area over the next week or so - try to hit six in a week or however quickly as possible. This will expose you to different meetings and give you some variety to pick from.
For me, each meeting offers its own unique feel and unique set of solutions. There are some meetings I can honestly say I like better than others, but it's a relief knowing there ARE other meetings out there and I'm not just stuck with only the one meeting a week.
My sponsor told me if I want to experience growth in the program, I need to try to hit at least three meetings a week. Two if I want to just "maintain".
While I enjoy MIP, I couldn't picture myself utilizing MIP as my only contact with Al-Anon. Face to face meetings give me so much more. I really do need that visual contact, the feel of being surrounded by people with the same problems. I need the hugs, I need the smiles and laughs, I need to see the tears and frustration. I need the form of contact with human beings that can only be experienced in face to face meetings. Staying online only would only feed my Isolation Monster.
Ohh My 1st Al-Anon Meeting :) F2F... I Remember it well... I was Nervous a Hell, stomach in knots, but I charged on.. I have JUST Lost My AFather to the Disease of Alcohol... And I didn't even know that there was such a place for Family of Alcoholics... So when I got there, I was still Very Raw... My Heart was Brokin from losing my Afather, & I had More Anger then I ever Remember having All my life...
When I walked in the room... I was the youngest one there, mostly by 20+ yrs... And I had the same thoughts you had... "Why am I here?" ... "My Afather is Dead this wont bring him back" "what could I have to add to what "These" people have been thru!" I am the product of "Codependancey" and I didn't learn that till I walked into the walls of Al-Anon...
I too was told (6) times... And I can tell you... I went to all 6... And it wasn't till the 6th Meeting that I knew... I was right were I needed to be...Once I adopted the Slogans & the Serenity Prayers I seen A Huge Improvement in Me & My outlook... The Lit you can read also helped me...
Now its been almost 2 years since my Dad Past...And i'm still with that same group of F2F & I'm even Checkin out other local ones in my area, because I have learned that I get many things from all of them... This Program does "Work when you work it"
And MIP is the 1st place I started this journey called "My" life... And I have become friends with many here, and I am forever grateful for all their love & support... Keep Coming Back :) And Yes... You made the 1st one... Keep up the Good Work :) Your Workin it well...
I remember that feeling. I had a horrible experience with my first meetings. They were awful and I felt like I didn't need to be there. I was very discouraged. I was talking to a councelor in my A's rehab and mentioned how discouraged I was. He suggested that I try to find another meeting if the chemistry didn't feel right. It took me awhile to go back. Meanwhile I found this site.
MIP encouraged me to keep going to the meetings. I did go back to my face to face and I found another group to go to. I am so glad I did. There is something very comforting being in a group that is loving and supportive. I love each & everyone of the people here. However, I need that physical interaction. It was in one of those face to face meetings, that a woman reminded me just because my AH was a late bloomer didn't mean that my needs & challenges (I don't like the word problem) were any less. We all live in different levels of pain & angst in our lives. Just because mine may seem less in my eyes when I look at other's lives, doesn't mean that is less important. Does that make sense? I am here because I need to be here. I need to learn & recover. That's why I go to meetings.
It took great courage to walk into that meeting. Well done. It took me awhile to share at those meetings. I started sharing here with our online meetings. Much easier behind a computer. Felt safer to me. You'll share when your ready. HP kind of nudges you when you are ready. I encourage you to keep coming back. I think you'll find the more you go the more you'll feel like you belong. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I think that is one of the natural human traits that most of us bring with us into our recovery..... Either the "their issues are worse than mine" or "my issues are worse than theirs".....
The truth is - it is NOT a contest..... your issues, and your concerns, around addiction & how it is affecting YOUR life..... can be helped. You are neither more, nor less, needing Al-Anon than anyone else in that room....
I'm glad you've started going to f2f, and hope you stick it out.... Six meetings is a great start..... that hopefully leads to a lifetime acceptance and path for you....
take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am here because I need to be here. I need to learn & recover. That's why I go to meetings.
It took me awhile to share at those meetings. I started sharing here with our online meetings. Much easier behind a computer. Felt safer to me. You'll share when your ready. HP kind of nudges you when you are ready. I encourage you to keep coming back. I think you'll find the more you go the more you'll feel like you belong. Much love and blessings to you and your family.