My neice's Birthday Party and my SIL - Al-Anon Family Group

smartkat · Veteran Member

My neice's Birthday Party and my SIL

Mynameismom · Veteran Member

Smartkat,

I am new here but I have been through the anger that alcoholism can cause.

I'm a grandmother as well. I would have the big party with the same guest list your mom always has (including SIL whether she comes or not). If things become out of hand then she can be asked to leave. If she doesn't, well, take it one step at a time.

I think young children that go through this need as much consistency and normalcy as anyone can contribute to their lives. Another reason why I would do exactly as you and your Mom do with other birthdays and as you have done with their past birthdays.

I understand your brother's point. Situations involving verbal or physical altercations are scary to children. Had A grandfather and so many early childhood memories were about when he "went off on people". I know there were good memories as well but those are the ones I remember vividly.

I certainly understand the feelings of you and your Mom

I would not work around the SIL. It would seem to me that is only giving her more power with her disease.

I hope all works out well no matter what you do. Let us know.

smartkat · Veteran Member

Thanks "mom." I feel much the same way.

But one point I don't think I made clear.

My brother wanted to push us into having the party tonight, with very little time to do so or to plan for. And that party be just the 4 of us, while the girls mother and sisters were still out of town.

One of the points he is expecting her to change on is for her to be involves with their kids more. Like actually showing up at birthday parties.
So maybe he thinks she needs to show up at our birthday party for her, even is she has already had another Bday party for her at their house. but he doesn't think she would so he wants the party to be when she isn't home yet.
Or mabye he beleives my SIL would be mad if my other neices came to the birthday party.

I don;t know but the point seems to be moot now.
My SIL is getting home a bit early today because her AC is out on the car. So instead of leaving late today, she is leaving early in the morning to avoid the heat.

Besides, my brother isn't feeling well and likely won;t be able to go to a party tonight.

-- Edited by smartkat on Thursday 24th of June 2010 10:53:26 AM

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

When you accomodate someone one time then you will have to keep accomodating them. I try to find a mature solution (not easy). For myself, sometimes I just don't go bec ause I make everyone uncomfortable.

In support,
Nancy

Mynameismom · Veteran Member

Yes, sometimes life just works things for us, good and bad.

Just keep on what you are doing. You seem to able to look at this with concern for the kid's benefit which is really important. Let them know you are there for them. Let them know they are safe and loved, as much as you are allowed.

Not a lot you can do other than that.

Wishing you peace and happiness.

BIG HUG

Kiki52 · Veteran Member

It's a sticky situation. Because it's your brother's child to a certain extent, his wishes should be followed. There seems to a lot of wanting to control the outcome of things. I kept reading "I want" and "We want" in your post. We don't always get what we want and sometimes we shouldn't.

I think I'd ask myself "How important is it?"

lyndebi · ~*Service Worker*~

We can only change ourselves. This sounds to me to be a very toxic situation. My question is,"what makes one continue in a very unhealthy relationship?"

I would look more at myself than trying to figure out someone else. If I wanted to give my niece a party, I would do it myself.NO need for all this drama.

We choose those we want in our life.

I choose to be as drama free as I can. Life has so many other healthy things to offer.

debilyn

smartkat · Veteran Member

The truly toxic personality is my sister-in-law. I would love to have no relationship with her but she is the mother of my neices and the wife of my brother.

We will have the party for my neice after church Sunday and my SIL and decide what she wants to do. Her temper tantrums usually aren't at events like this so I was thinking there would be no reason to oppose her coming over. But my brother seemed to be concerned things might get ugly. Or perhaps he was concerned she would choose to not come and he wants her to be at the party. Anyway, that part is his business.

I know we won't get ugly on our side. As tempting as it might be to tell her off or something, it is easy to resist that temptation for the sake of the kids. I might find it more difficult to keep my mouth shut in another situation.

smartkat · Veteran Member

The birthday went wonderfully, all though the rest of the day was aweful!

My brother and his wife split up. My SIL knew the party was at noon but she decided she was going to take the other two girls to chruch with her knwoing they would be home to late for the party. And my brother would miss it if it was any later because of his work schedule. Her attitude was the straw that broke the camels back. Last night my SIL left the severly autistic girl alone with her other sisters (not mature enough to be left with the austic girl for hours) and my brother was fed up with that.

But one nice thing about my neices severe autism is that she doesn't hang on to things. That big fight was this morning. Might as well be a year ago to her. All she cared about was birthday!

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