The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
And I am feeling it not only mentally, but now very physically.
I can't eat without stomach pains, my mouth is so dry I have to keep gum so that my mouth will not blister. I feel like I could throw up any minute.
I want my life back, I can remember when I loved getting up in the morning, I kissed my children and took care of what I needed to do, I had friends and interest.
My last ten years dealing with my AS has been so stressful that I am having very dark thoughts, today my boss mention my son's arrest (he found out by my son trying to reach me by phone at work from the jail), I broke down and cried in front of him and left work without saying much.
Now I know it has gone through the whole work place, there are other very sordid details about what my AS has been doing that will come out in this small community.
I hope I can get out of bed tomorrow and go back to work.
I am so very sorry for the emotional pain you are now enduring. This is a dreadful disease and it does exact a huge toll.
Remember that this is a disease and it is wide spread. I am sure that many in your work place are touched by it in their family and since it is an illness feeling embarassed is unrealistic.
I know the pain that you speak and would like to say that Alanon and this site saved my life. Please know you are not alone. Meetings, reading the literature, living one moment at a time ,pray and eventually the situation changes and your can breath and eat and smile again.
Please keep coming back and try to find a face to face they do help.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 22nd of June 2010 08:51:19 PM
Having experienced dealing with my community's acknowledgement and judgement of my exha's drama, I totally understand how you feel. My daughter, in elementary school at the time, sadly took the brunt of it (judgement) from her teachers and peers. It was very difficult to hold myself together, chin up, and try and find a level of comfort for my daughter and myself.
Now, I face the potential of reliving this experience professionally as my resume will now reflect the timeframe working for my exha. For many years, I led a double life to hide what was happening in my life. Judgement from others is a sore spot for me and elicits a whole host of emotions. I feel ashamed about the truth- putting this on my resume- and need to work through this better.
So far, my list of things to help me include: * what other's think is none of my business * give it to my HP, as I know I am powerless over others * this, too, shall pass and better times are ahead. One day, this will be behind me ... and I need to take things one day at a time.
I will pray for you that you find strength and serenity.
Please , please ,please remember that u are not responsible for your sons actions dont take on the shame and guilt of his actions . ((((hugs)))) your son has no anonymity as long as he is out there doin his thing . YOUR NOT THE REASON THIS IS HAPPENING .
I sat here after reading your share, not knowing what to say. Wanting so much for you to feel better.But I am helpless and powerless to do so.
Have a child of ours,no matter what age be an A is about the worst. It does hurt.
What came to my mind was things will not always be the same, life changes all the time.
Also when we learn to detach, it helps us so much. We can do nothing for you son, but take care of ourselves so they do not have to feel the guilt of ruining our lives.I had to learn to let it go, not think about it. He has to figure it out.
We are not them, they are not us. They are separate beings that we have no control over anymore.
The gut is the first to go when we are anxious. I felt like I was carrying around a bowling ball inside my gut. I learned to breath out the crap. Sounds weird but I was so sick of swallowing all that pain. I worked freaking hard until I just fell into bed. Many times with my work cloths on. I had to teach myself to not think about him anymore. the A that is.
It is ok to let our children go.
If your co workers don't get it together and support you, and be kind, shame on them.Also in many ways we are fortunate as life hands us some pretty hard trials. We will learn how to live through them, and we will be ok. I hope this helps some. You are not alone. come back please.
My Aunt told me something just yesterday and Ill pass it on to you. (She had an A husband (dead) and has an A son now in 10 yrs recovery in AA, she went to hell and back with both of them).
A neighbour once whispered to her.......oh its terrible for you, you must be so ashamed of your son behaving the way he does.
She very calmly said, although she didnt feel calm....... I love my son, he is sick and his sickness is on full view to the community, not hidden and whispered about behind net curtains like the secrets a lot of people keep in this village (the whispering neighbour being one of them!!)
She has taught me over the years, by her actions, to keep my head high and my dignity, and love for my son, intact.
What other people think is none of my business.
Talk with your boss if you feel you can, help him to understand your son is sick. Its only with information we learn, and that knowledge brings compassion.
I know how youre feeling Dreams..... take care of yourself.....
I have so walked in your shoes. I hit bottom in a huge way. My son is an addict we live in a small town and everyone knows him as the town addict. I was so humiliated I couldn't even look at my neighbors. Police were regular vistors at our house UGH! I was mentally and physically sick. Probably sicker than my son. Till i absolutly gave in to the fact that my son was sick. and starting actually saying it out loud to the neighbors. Surpisingly they were totally supportive, not judgemental. They had all known him since he was in grade school and always liked him. They gave me support and gave him thier prayers. My son to is in jail in the rehab unit. I can only pray something takes hold cause jail is not his bottom. You are not alone Please remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it It took me a long time to believe that, I still have to remind myself i didn't cause it. Please find or keep going to meetings and work on taking care of you my prayers are with you Blessings
I felt very very shamed by the ex A's behavior. 3 years ago he was facing a court charge of crashing into someone and leaving the scene of the accident. He lied and lied and lied some more about it.
I know full well the grief, rage, shame and anger you feel. Many of us have been through similar situations. I can also say the more you embrace al anon the better you can cope. Of course al anon cannot make your son sober but it can help you feel less alone, defeated and consumed with someone elses pain.
I covered for my AH for a few years before I "came out" to friends, family and colleagues as to the real reason for his many hospital admissions, the cancelled invitations out, his mood-swings, etc etc. I was so ashamed. But one day it all came tumbling out when I was particularly stressed at work and it was amazing how supportive people were. And so many people admitted they, too, had an A mother, son, sister, uncle, etc. Friends whom I thought would be condemming were the opposite - and if anyone was huffy about it, then they were never real friends.
Hold your head up high, remember the 3 Cs and lean on AlAnon friends as well as other friends and family. Ignore anyone who would seek to condemn you or your family. They are simply not worth it.
I understand what you are saying. We need to set boundaries and let them take credit for what they do. I miss my old self. I use to laugh and spring out of bed in the morning. I am mad at myself for not doing this. I wake up with thoughts of my AHsober in my head. How did he get there? I am tired of it though. It is my life.
We all have experienced the painful emotions brought on by alcoholism. I wish that I could take your pain away.
Over time, I've learned to not concern myself with what others think. It's been a very hard lesson. Several family members have made some very bad choices and many outside the family are quite aware of them.
I choose to view going through the agony of being concerned about what others think for so many years (I'm 55) as a blessing in disguise. I now don't find the need to judge very often, nor do I engage the hurtful gossip. I know all too well that it's not my place and also that there is so much that I don't understand about life and the situation at hand. It's a very peaceful feeling not having to sit in judgement of others. Oh sometimes I catch myself doing it; but for the most part, I don't any longer. Again, going through the grief of embarrassment of family members' choices finally taught me how detrimental judging others can be.
I pray that you will find a way to get through this difficult time in your life.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I sat here after reading your share, not knowing what to say. Wanting so much for you to feel better.But I am helpless and powerless to do so.