The material presented
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This is the very first time I have ever reached out beyond arms reach for a little help if only to keep my sanity. Someone had suggested I go to a support meeting, and thought it was a good idea, but my hours I work could not support it. So hear I am on message board to start with and I have to say I almost feel better already just knowing this is here.
My mother is an alcoholic. I don't even know where to start, I could never fit all the grief on a page or 100 pages. I keep thinking things will get easier, I'm almost 32 for the love of god and sometimes I feel like a helpless kid. I am happy in my life! With the exception of this.
My life is filled with guilt trips and blame twords me and I am not mean, rude or confrontational because I know it leads to way worse things. For years I have just stood there and decided to be the better person and just grin and take it. Now I'm just like a time bomb ready to go of
I feel so abused and she makes me try to feel like I abuse her, and I don't do anything, but try to work around my life to make hers' easier. But then again that is one of her complaints about me is I don't do enough for her. I am her best friend and child I think she feels when she is drunk that she owns me, or that she can make me feel like she feels so she doesn't have to feel her pain alone. She refuses to get help, the few times Ive asked her it was like I asked her to cut off her own leg, and got kicked out of her house, which she never does because she would sew herself to me if she could so I could be her crutch.
There was one point in time when I really had wanted to just cut all ties with her and was so close to doing so, but then again if she does something stupid like hurt herself or anything I would be stuck with that the rest of my life because I know that she did that to hurt me.
It's like she hates me, but can't live without me at the same time and I know she feels that way about herself. That is why she abuses alcohol to self medicate, but it makes her so mean and destructive. I don't understand! Should I truly intervene? Does she maybe deep down inside want that? Does she want me to fight for her life? Is she too scared herself to tell me that? Is that why she is so angry at me? Because I let this go on? Maybe that is what I have to do!? I think I have sat back and watched this train wreckage for too long.
If anyone reads this and has some advice, that would be great because I am willing and ready to fight this if there is a glimmer of hope. I'm tired of being abused and I'm sick to my stomach watching someone who could be beautiful destroy themselves anymore.
I am realtivley new here as well as reativley new to Alanon, so far me just reading posts has helped and you will most likley see similar situations to yours. The concept of detachment has been powerful for me, although, at times, not the easiest one to follow through on and may help in your situation with your mother. Welcome to the board!
So glad you are here and reaching out for help. sorry you cannot make it to a face to face alanon meeting as it would be most helpful for you.
But since you cant right now this is a good place to start. First of all its ok to rebel against the constant emotional beating that your Mother is doing to you, Alcoholics seem to do that because we are the closests people to them and they are full of self hate.
One of the first things you must learn and build are boundaries, even with your own Mother. Its not ok for her to use you. You yourself must decide what those boundaries will be and stick to them. Remember this about her disease, you didnt cause it, you cant cure it and you cant control it. Try to obtain as much Alanon reading material as you can and work the steps, they are a constant guide to our recovery. This program is about us , getting stronger and making solutions that we can live with so our lives can be happy and creative, no matter what the alcoholic is doing to their life. If an alchoholic does not arrest their disease they will surely go insane and die. This is the hardcore truth. Being with the XAH , I have seen it with my own eyes. so, keep coming back and you will gain strength, hope and serenity, Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 21st of June 2010 01:13:45 PM
Aloha Moon!! Welcome...you have found a great source for understanding and change.
You are okay and normal for being a victim of alcoholism and here you will learn how to choose not to be the victim if you so choose. I didn't know I had a choice till I got to the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups but I did and do and I am a grateful member of that program and MIP and no longer a willing victim. Though you think you cannot get into the rooms of Al-Anon in your area please still call the hot line and find out where and when the meetings are because also in those meetings are tons of very very useful information about the disease and people who have faces who have been where you are at now and can lead you out of it.
I learned so many helpful things like how to determine when I was in the presence of my wife and when it was my alcoholic...huge difference and I needed to know that otherwise I was expecting sanity and sobriety from a person who couldn't bring it around. It's crazy to expect the alcoholic to be something or someone they are not at the moment and I had to know that. There is a wealth of understanding and healing in the rooms and literature and program and MIP. Please stick around. You didn't cause your Mom's alcoholism, you can't control it and can't cure it. If you stick around her at all it will and she will attempt to hold you responsible for that which she is responsible. The best person to help her is another recovering alcoholic woman and she isn't there yet.
Come here often and read, listen and practice what the recovering membership is doing.
It sounds like you have been thrown into the role of parent. It is not your obligation. You need to step back, let the chips fall where they may, and wait until your Mom recognizes her illness. She is not a bad person. I am sure you will be there for her when the time is right, but right now, you have your own life to live and it is a valuable one, do not disregard it.
There are time when you need to be there and there are times when it is the worst thing thing you can do for everyone involved. Hopefully on this site you will learn some coping skills, I am looking for that also. What I do know is that the illness is bad the people are not and that is what makes it so difficult. Talk to everyone.
Alcoholics treat us the way they feel about them selves , ( her problem ) not yours . Nothing u say or do will change another person ,but u can change your self Al-Anon is about you for you ,learn to love her but detach from her behavior .. we are enablers we lie for them , we make excuses for thier crappy behavior ,we beilive the lies over and over again and as long as we continue to do for them what they should do for themselves nothing will change . Blaming you is common , it has to be someone elses fault if she cant blame you then she will have to take responsibility for her own behavior and not matter how hard u try anything u do for them is not enough , that is the nature of this disease alcoholics are angry unhappy people very negative by nature . Please try and find f2f meetings for yourself perhaps there is a day tim eone in your area it is worth missing a lunch once or twice a week , you need support from people who understand exactly where your at and how u feel . this is just too hard to do alone .Trying to reason with an alcoholic is a waste of time , threats dont work , tears dont work , ultimatums don't work until she says enough there is never enough . Your not the reason this is happening her drinking has nothing to do with you- regardless of what she says . YOU are not the reason she drinks . Until we stop enabling nothing will change . Detach with love and let go , get your life back on track you have a right to a life of your own , it's time .
I'm glad you found us. It takes courage to reach out for help and take a look at ways to change to make your life different, better. Congratulations on having that courage. AlAnon meetings, literature and this board have been a lifeline for me. I once felt held hostage and trapped, kind of like how your post sounds. Life really can get better, peaceful and sane. Everyone has given great ESH and probably plenty for you to think about already so I will stick with my welcome and encouragement to keep coming back
I think you and I have some things in common right off the bat! My mom is also an alcoholic, and I am 32. I could've written a lot of the things you shared. A lot of times I feel like my mom's and my roles are reversed ... used to be, she got drunk and irresponsible every single day, and then called me and asked me the same question a million times or told me about what I should do about a particular situation in my life. When I sought recovery for myself, I decided that I didn't want to feel like I was stuck on the phone with her every single day while she drank more and more, and I didn't want to listen to unsolicited advice about everything. So I stopped answering my phone in the evenings. I felt guilty, like I was turning my back on her. I had to realize that she is a grown woman and it is not my job to babysit her. Pretty soon she stopped calling me at that time.
It's taken a long time to get here. At one point in my life, I poured out booze, hunted for more booze, cried, begged, pleaded, screamed, yelled, gave guilt trips, and anything and everything else I could think of. None of it made any little bit of difference. I love my mom dearly and I wish she were happy. I pray that someday she will be. But I no longer try to fix her.
Welcome again - this is a good place to grow and share.
Wow, our stories/situations are so similar. I am 44 and although my mom has been mean and hatefilled towards me in the past, she got really bad the end of April beginning of May. The things she said to me for a few weeks got so bad that I was getting sick-stomache pains and not sleeping. I too was told I was her best friend and always that she loved me but for years she'd be drinking and get mad at me for not agreeing with her or taking her side in a family matter. I have been the go between for her and my dad's issues with my handicapped brother(who I love and I have adjusted my life to be close to for the past 24 years). Back to what I did for me...I told her I needed some time. Time to think, work on my health, work on me and how I was feeling about her. It upset her and took a few attempts from her with her telling me things like she never took some time when I was young or that she never treated her mother like I do. But my not responding to negative comments and only responding to the positive has worked miracles. I was mentally a mess but already I am better. I suggested she seek counceling again as she did just before a suicide attempt last year. I don't think she has but I can't do anything from 1000 miles away and it must be her choice anyway. So here is how my husband and friends describe my relationship with her right now. It's like training a dog. Now I know that's horrible to think of but...I only respond when she is positive to me and only email right now. If she says something ugly about me or my dad or my brothers caregivers I don't respond. It is working for now. She only emails me to check on my brother or to update me on a trip she is going on or something else I need to know about. We are only communicating once a week about and that is better for me too. I appreciate your post about your relationship with your mom. See...you are not alone and we need each other. Thank you Cutie
This is the very first time I have ever reached out beyond arms reach for a little help if only to keep my sanity. Someone had suggested I go to a support meeting, and thought it was a good idea, but my hours I work could not support it. So hear I am on message board to start with and I have to say I almost feel better already just knowing this is here.